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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Forget The Worlddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 580
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 879



    Description:
       Wish I could do this again.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForget The Worlddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Let's hold each other and forget the world.
    That's all I want to do.
    Just take me in your arms and kiss me.
    The only thing I need is you.

    Forget the worries and the pains.
    Forget the trouble with the car.
    Forget the pressures of the job.
    Let's just be who we are.

    Forget the housework and the bills.
    Let's just lie here together.
    Don't worry about what tomorrow brings.
    Forget about the weather.

    Just look into my eyes,
    And favor me with a smile.
    I'll listen to your heart beat.
    We'll be at peace for a while.

    Let's hold each other and forget the world.
    I can't think of a more perfect thing to do.
    Just take me in those arms and love me.
    The only thing I want is you.




    Submitted on 2005-12-10 10:16:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed this write. To me it seems like an ordinary womans entry into a diary, or personal feeling, and its with that, that i think it holds its power. As it is something (although i do not know from experience) that many women tend to think about in a relationship. Its that connection with all the other millions of women that are in the same situation which gives this work clarity and a sense of being. Good job. Cheers.

    Mstr Rz
    | Posted on 2005-12-31 00:00:00 | by master raz | [ Reply to This ]
      This could be a song...haha ain't I intuitive...I know I am...but I like this...it is sad, and though I know that it is about him it is getting easier for me to see the poem for the poem and not your relationship and that really helps me appreciate it more...

    this was awesome
    Jaz
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this but the ending was off a lil bit! but it was still good! im glad u found someone to luv and hold im still looking! good joB!
    ~akaila evonne~
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by iluvpoetry_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Funny how being with someone you want and need can have the effect of making the world go awayand its trobles with it,nice write I really liked the line,I'll listen to your heart beat,keep tapping those keys adnil
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      This is quite good. (And I've felt like this on many occasions, too) You do a good job with this as far as rhyme and meter. Anyone who has had to deal with this can relate to this piece. Nice work.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I relly like this
    To me you are writing about World Peace
    This is a subject that is very near and Dear to my Heart
    I only wish the people of the World And that includes
    ALL the Politicians would only Open up there Eyes and see how Eay world Peace can Become
    Yes it is a vision
    But with Gods Help
    The World Together
    Can Be
    One
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I was looking at the first stanza and the last one, and I found it intresting how at first you said "The only thing I need is you" And then you replaced the need, with want. I could feel the longing, the beauty of the piece. It was nice, how you added the typical life problems, like the bills, and car troubles (lol this part made me laugh. Not sure why) job issues, etc. I did feel a tad bit like the rhyming was possibly slightly forced, but it's just my opinon that pieces that express love and nature and beauty sound better without rhymes, and I think the reason why I feel like that is because with rhyming, you sort of feel forced to say certain things, but without rhyming, you can just write freely on your feelings and wishes. Just a thought. Nice job.

    Peace,
    Squirreley Scribe
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by roses | [ Reply to This ]
      good write overall. the rhythm didnt really become steady until after the first two stanzas. it was a little rocky and hung me up a couple times on the initial read. that may be something you want to address. i have no complaints with the content, its a beautiful piece with beautiful expression of love and what it is. good job.
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by brokenroses | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmmmm, hmmmmmmmmmmm, yeah, i like it. it's very simple and very sweet, and i think that's why i like it. yes there is a subtle sadness in each word, but the poem still leaves you feeling...love. yep, i like it! oh, suggestion: maybe get rid of the periods. each line is already a complete thought, and i think the periods actually slow the reading of the poem, slow the flow (heh, i'm a poet and i know it! wow, i'm a dork). anyway, yeah, toss those periods...you don't need 'em!
    | Posted on 2006-01-05 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]


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