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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: glass dolldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sudie
    ASL Info:    18/ f / virginia
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 182/195/51
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 976
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 485



    Description:
       was asked to make a poem using the phrases "and if" "nothing" "but now" "don't" and "more finely shaped"......i think they were fragments from a poem by sappho but i dont remember


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsglass dolldots
    -------------------------------------------


    [and if] you sigh
    i will gain [nothing]
    but a translucent hope
    wistfully putting me to shame

    [but now] you laugh
    your eyes retreating
    to the crinkles of your lids
    [don't] stop.
    for my lack of expectance
    is making me fragile

    so should i shatter
    i pray you gather
    my sallow skin and ruptured veins
    to place me
    [more finely shaped]
    in my dollhouse made of glass.




    Submitted on 2005-12-10 19:37:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this, it was a pretty unique way to use those lines.
    And the imagery was pretty wicked
    Just remember - those who live in glass dollhouses shouldn't throw stones
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      [and if] you sigh
    i will gain [nothing](,)
    but a translucent hope
    wistfully putting me to shame(.)

    [but now] you laugh(,)
    your eyes retreating
    to the crinkles of your lids
    (-)[don't] stop(,)
    for my lack of expectance
    is making me fragile(.)

    so should i shatter(?)
    i pray you gather my sallow skin
    and ruptured veins(,)
    to place me
    [more finely shaped]
    in my dollhouse made of glass.

    Again, I just thought I'd give you my suggestions on punctuation and the re-enjambment of the part 'my sallow skin' - do you see what I'm getting at here? It seemes to read a bit smoother this way, but that's just what I think.

    Like the last piece of yours I commented on, it's very eloquent and quite minimal, yet it says a lot in few words. Fragility, glass and shattering are all good images and metaphors that tie in well together, translating into something different and personal to each reader. My take on this is how you perceive love and how you respond to it... in an unsure and slightly dismissive way.

    It's just the feeling I get from it. I could be miles off, but that's a subjective thing, isn't it?

    Take care and be good lol.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Is this the moment two people become more than friends; intimacy is shared and accepted as the one whose heart skipped a beat feels about to shatter with the tension? This feels more fleeting than a moment in time (a millisecond, perhaps?), as the possibility of two outcomes almost overpowers them. I could have missed this by a light year, but I might be close. In either case, this is very nicely written. Well done.
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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