we hadn't noticed

Author: sudie ASL Info:    18/ f / virginia Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 182 /195 /51 Words: 53

Class/Type: Misc /Misc Total Views: 1031 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 391

Description:

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we hadn't noticed

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we hadn't noticed how long the swingset shadows had grown hiding us in our own mental decay where we sat forgetting our youth there's an iris idely glowing where the sun still sheds its beams this is where our childhood can frollick until it goes home for bedtime.

Submitted on 2005-12-10 19:42:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

I really liked this but those last two lines flowed kind of odd with the rest of the poem. I get the weird feeling that someday we'll be seeing your name in text books.

| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]

Idly and frolic... yep, I'm your personal spellchecker lol. With that out of the way I like this poem of yours for its brevity and eloquence in expression. While there is no punctuation in this, I'm at a loss whether it should or shouldn't have any... perhaps a minimal amount so the reader knows exactly? How about something like this: we hadn't noticed how long the swingset shadows had grown(;) hiding us in our own mental decay where we sat forgetting our youth there's an iris idly glowing where the sun still sheds its beams(;) this is where our childhood can frolic until it goes home for bedtime By putting two semi-colons at the end of line four in each stanza it breaks it up in halves, thereby making the reader pause at that critical moment. But yea, take it or ditch it - whatever fits true to how you want it. Overall, exquisitely conveyed and very emotive. Just one more suggestion? Instead of 'bedtime', how about 'sleep'? Sonically it slips off the tongue a bit nicer in my opinion. Give it a thought, ok? Peace, Jase

| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

I'm left with the impression that old friends (former lovers?) are sitting idly on swings with a canyon-sized gulf between them and little to say; fumbling to reconnect after time apart. Perhaps they've even had difficulty connecting with themselves ('mental decay' having stripped away their innocence). This was simple, straightforward and very effective in framing a lost moment in time. Nicely done.

| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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