This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

we hadn't noticed

Author: sudie
ASL Info:    18/ f / virginia
Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 182 /195 /51
Words: 53
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1031
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 391


we hadn't noticed

we hadn't noticed
how long
the swingset shadows
had grown
hiding us in our own
mental decay
where we sat
forgetting our youth

there's an iris
idely glowing
where the sun
still sheds its beams
this is where
our childhood can frollick
until it goes home
for bedtime.

Submitted on 2005-12-10 19:42:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I really liked this but those last two lines flowed kind of odd with the rest of the poem.
I get the weird feeling that someday we'll be seeing your name in text books.
| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
  Idly and frolic... yep, I'm your personal spellchecker lol.

With that out of the way I like this poem of yours for its brevity and eloquence in expression. While there is no punctuation in this, I'm at a loss whether it should or shouldn't have any... perhaps a minimal amount so the reader knows exactly? How about something like this:

we hadn't noticed
how long
the swingset shadows
had grown(;)
hiding us in our own
mental decay
where we sat
forgetting our youth

there's an iris
idly glowing
where the sun
still sheds its beams(;)
this is where
our childhood can frolic
until it goes home
for bedtime

By putting two semi-colons at the end of line four in each stanza it breaks it up in halves, thereby making the reader pause at that critical moment.

But yea, take it or ditch it - whatever fits true to how you want it.

Overall, exquisitely conveyed and very emotive. Just one more suggestion? Instead of 'bedtime', how about 'sleep'? Sonically it slips off the tongue a bit nicer in my opinion. Give it a thought, ok?


| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm left with the impression that old friends (former lovers?) are sitting idly on swings with a canyon-sized gulf between them and little to say; fumbling to reconnect after time apart. Perhaps they've even had difficulty connecting with themselves ('mental decay' having stripped away their innocence). This was simple, straightforward and very effective in framing a lost moment in time. Nicely done.
| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?