Let Me Fly by Lady Almira

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Submission Name: Let Me Fly dots

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Author:	Lady Almira
ASL Info:	16 Female Redding Ca
Elite Ratio:	3.41 - 26/37/17
Words:	113

Class/Type:	Lyrics/Misc
Total Views:	145
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	578

Description:
This is a first draft, I am still working on it but I wanted to get some input, don't be shy, let me know what you think.....thanks. ^-^

Let Me Fly dots

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Take me away from here
Let me fly, fly….
Take me away , away from this place
Take me far from here
Up in the sky so high
Let me fly, let me fly, fly
I want to live, to breath in this air
I want to see the world out there
I want to dream, to see new things
So let me fly, fly fly
You try to hold me back
To save me from the pain you saw
But can’t see, even if its just you and me
Pain is there, its life
So let me go, let me find out on my own
Let me fly, let me fly

Submitted on 2005-12-10 22:57:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Since I don't know the beat of the music, and seeing as these are lyrics, I was forced to look at the piece as a poem.

Now the theme is quite unique in a way. Although flying is an action related to being held back, I wouldn't personally relate seeing the world to flying. That's because (and like you mentioned in your work) the world is full of pain, pain that someone's not letting you see. So personally I wouldn't have chosen the word fly to describe seeing the world.
That's one of the reasons I liked it though, because everyone sees things from a different angle. I understand your use of the term, because it makes sense if you think about it.

Being a first draft I can't be very harsh with this, but the first thing I advise you to do is spread it out. I know it's a short piece and it makes sense to put it all together, but leaving spaces at the end of sections would be a great help. Both to you and the reader, because the thoughts would be placed neatly in front of your face for you to observe, adjust and add where needed.

"But can’t see, even if its just you and me
Pain is there, its life"

I didn't understand this part. Do you mean "But can't you see"? If so then I think it would be best to break it up like this:

"But can't you see,
Even if it's juts you and me,
Pain is there, it's life"

I'm not exactly sure of the rhyme scheme in this poem. I really think you should look over it and revise what needs to be revised. I hope my comment is of some use.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  veri light and fluttery, i can tell it's a first draft though... maybe you could re look a few things, poetry isn't just about slapping words on a page, you want the reader to feel it, if you want to go for light and fluttery then try throwing in some more emotive words, i like the repetition of the word fly, though i think it might be a little over done. Id love to see a second atempt. keep it up
*thoughts*
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by thoughts | [ Reply to This ]
  I understand the meaning in the poem to be of a person feeling held back by another, such as a parent and child relationship...the parents trying to hold back the child to protect them and the child asking for the chance to learn for themselves. I like the story and feeling in the poetry, but personally, I don't like the repetitiveness of the word fly. Maybe if this word was replaced by another which means the same thing i soar, glide, rise, float etc. But that's just my preference :-)
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]

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