Christmas has come again....
Lovely time of year isn't it. Always was for me, but this year it seems far from the memorys I hold close inside my heart, or mind whichever you want to see it as.
Nothing has ever been the same since I moved here. Sure I got so many more friends, but are they truly my friends? I mean I know one or two might be willing to help me in any way a real friend can, but is that really a friend?
My father says a friend is someone who would die for you, give something precious to them away just for you whatever the reason. They love you, and stay by your side while you were sick or close to death. The ones who help you get back up when you fall, that walk in when the rest of the world walk's out on you. Do my "friends" like that at all?
So many questions, I can't think. This christmas is a sad one, yet also a very helpful one. This time of year is when I always think more, think like a genious. I look at both sides and pick one. Yet I can't decide who's really with me.
My father says one thing, and I listen to him, then my friends say something, and yet I go against my father. I'm torn apart. I don't know who to believe. Am I just being used by both of them? Am I only a tool for everyone's enjoyment, to torture me as my sanity slips little by little and shatters into peices.
Christmas isn't the same this year as well for my mother's peronality, and cause I've grown to much.
My mother says she hates it, she wants to finish it with just burning down all the happiness we feel. I know she's sick, but I deny it. My father's also sick mentally, and I also deny that.
I'm denying everything that's so clear right infront of me. Denying ever little thing just cause I want to keep the innocence of christmas that I am so used to. I want to save it.
I remember when I was small. Friends gave me presents, I was happy, my mother and father were ok. The whole family was still together, laughing having fun.
All that ended some how. I don't know how, but it did.
Now all I ask is for someone to pass judgement on me. To see if I am just living a lie, or I'm lying to myself as I write these things out.
Will there ever be another snow white christmas under the tree, which always flamed with the bright colors and decorations that glittered with the plastic lights. The house always bright with light inside and out. My mother's wonderful latin cooking with a lil spice from my grandmother.
My grandfather, father, and uncles watching the game while drinking the expensive whine we have recieved from far off family members that still remembered us in their minds.
I'd be watching this all in my new clothing that I'd always recieve, a nice white dress maybe, or even red or navy. Made with the finest silk, and material, and glistened with fake jewels and designs of christmas jeer on it. Also hanging onto my dog which loved me since I got her. My brird perched on my shoulder, and my cat next to my side. I'd be laughing ignorant that one day it would all end.
Will those things ever come back, will they reach me some other time? Will I stop lying to myself to restrain the truth of therse questions, but please oh god I ask only to keep my ignorance, and keep my hope. I'll just keep lying, and die a sinner in my sleep.