Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a collage of memories.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wilted_
    ASL Info:    20/f/singapore
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 138/110/29
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1136
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1561



    Description:
       meant to be fictional but the essence of this piece carries too much truth. way too much truth.

    imperfect and fragmented, it offers no conclusion or answers I cannot provide.

    comments are appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa collage of memories.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I can scarcely breathe,
    standing in the vacant room
    walls painted in sickly hues of
    brightness.
    The resonance of my present existence
    fading against the loud echoes
    of..

    I closed my eyes
    and see.

    [-]

    Playing at pretence -
    a girl of eight again,
    retaining the perfect reason to slip
    her small hands in yours,
    twirling beneath their canopy of
    clear blue skies,
    dancing along to humming
    now only she can hear.

    once upon a time in the arms
    of the man
    who is holding another now.

    [-]

    Along narrow pathways,
    I almost missed
    the memory of slight brushes
    of your shirt sleeve
    against my shoulders,
    remembering instead,
    how we started walking in
    opposite directions -
    meeting,
    but no longer pausing
    for that sideway glance
    or half-smile
    courtesy permitted.

    [-]

    the downtown coffee house -
    when you spilled coffee
    just over the spot
    where my heart is;
    and you watched me
    watching the stain spread,
    darkening,
    securing its permanence
    right there.

    [-]

    you didn't know
    what happened to us,
    never be able to understand
    what I cannot bring myself to explain.

    my statements were
    questions
    we had no answers to.




    Submitted on 2005-12-11 11:54:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I dont usually come right back and comment on another. From those two poems i read you have a sense of passion for what you do, not just half-stepping you get it done and get it done well. I know exactly what you felt from this poem there is always going to be that someone that holds you so close you feel like your the biggest part of their existence. Spending each and every night wondering how she is doing really falling not checking for a thing else blind to the world and open to her. She took me heart and all that coffee shop thing the whole thing sittin down under the stars with a sheet spread on the golf course we broke into shes laying on me listening to my words and my heart beat sounds like perfect love. Thats why im still hurting because she left without a word with my heart and all. So much vivd pictures came into my mind when reading this brought me to a place i wanted to forget but it did bring emotion i love it.
    | Posted on 2006-05-28 00:00:00 | by wallya20 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this is just beautiful. Sad, as a poem about lost love always is. Reflective, in that it's a look back at what happened. There never really seems to be an answer, ever, in any meaningful relationship that ends. It just takes time to dig deep enough to realize the hopelessness. But every once in a while, no matter how deep we go, it just gets sweeter and sweeter.
    Here are a few small suggestions to use or abuse:

    S1 - The verb tense shifts from present to past with,

    "I closed my eyes
    and saw"

    I think, more correctly, it would be,

    "I close my eyes and see"

    S4 - The word "incident", to me, seems too harsh. Why not either leave it out entirely or use "the time" or some such.

    S5 - "never be able" to "unable", then
    "cannot bring myself to explain" becomes "cannot myself explain"

    I just thought this bit should be shorter (tighter). See what you think

    Well, a beautiful poem about a lost love, one that got away, or was cast aside, whatever. It hurts all the same. Somehow as you grow older these become treasured memories, softening through time, losing some of their hurt and gaining a sort of fuzzy tenderness.

    Loved this one.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm, you know what? I rarely say this, but your poem made me itch to write as I was reading it... and that it was truly inspiring to come to this conclusion by the end of this piece.

    I get a lot of first impressions... you state it with beautiful imagery and unique expressions. To infuse apparent fiction with personal experience - to me - brings more life and colour to your 'fiction' - how often is anything every truly made up, disconnected from the soul of the writer? In my experience, not often at all, if ever.

    If I cannot say anything constructive and just ramble on, it's because I truly like it and will make it a fave.

    So yea. Just a quick note of appreciation.

    Peace,

    Jase

    (Goes off to scribble)
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      A beautiful piece. I especially admire how nearly each and every verse has a meaning to everyone although the whole topic is personal.

    The imagery is very sweet, but also very strong. It was quite hard not to visualise every picture of your past.

    I realise this is fiction, but it is one based on the life of a girl, and the life of a person... the life of every person, if you may.

    As for suggestions, I have none. I think the poem is fine as it is, I wouldn't change a thing. I only ask you to re-write 'scarcely' in the very first line because aparently there's been a typing mistake (I hate those).

    The poem as a whole was very enjoyable and the imagery (I say once again) extremely beautiful.

    I congratulate you on such a good job.
    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is like a slight breeze, brushing its meaning against our minds. I like it, but I will nevertheless make a few suggestions. Notice how in S1 you you’ve omitted the word “is” before “fading”. This is proper, but I believe it also needs to be applied elsewhere in the poem. Perhaps “with” in L3; “all over” in S3L2; “and” in S6L2, following the dash; the comma after “me” in S6; “be” in S7L3 – all these could be eliminated, and I believe would give the poem more power.
    These are small adjustments I recommend, because the overall poem is quite beautiful, conveying its feeling and state of mind well.
    fred
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    84076

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry