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I can scarcely breathe,
standing in the vacant room
walls painted in sickly hues of
The resonance of my present existence
fading against the loud echoes
I closed my eyes
Playing at pretence -
a girl of eight again,
retaining the perfect reason to slip
her small hands in yours,
twirling beneath their canopy of
clear blue skies,
dancing along to humming
now only she can hear.
once upon a time in the arms
of the man
who is holding another now.
Along narrow pathways,
I almost missed
the memory of slight brushes
of your shirt sleeve
against my shoulders,
how we started walking in
opposite directions -
but no longer pausing
for that sideway glance
the downtown coffee house -
when you spilled coffee
just over the spot
where my heart is;
and you watched me
watching the stain spread,
securing its permanence
you didn't know
what happened to us,
never be able to understand
what I cannot bring myself to explain.
my statements were
we had no answers to.
| I dont usually come right back and comment on another. From those two poems i read you have a sense of passion for what you do, not just half-stepping you get it done and get it done well. I know exactly what you felt from this poem there is always going to be that someone that holds you so close you feel like your the biggest part of their existence. Spending each and every night wondering how she is doing really falling not checking for a thing else blind to the world and open to her. She took me heart and all that coffee shop thing the whole thing sittin down under the stars with a sheet spread on the golf course we broke into shes laying on me listening to my words and my heart beat sounds like perfect love. Thats why im still hurting because she left without a word with my heart and all. So much vivd pictures came into my mind when reading this brought me to a place i wanted to forget but it did bring emotion i love it.||| Posted on 2006-05-28 00:00:00 | by wallya20 | [ Reply to This ] || Well, this is just beautiful. Sad, as a poem about lost love always is. Reflective, in that it's a look back at what happened. There never really seems to be an answer, ever, in any meaningful relationship that ends. It just takes time to dig deep enough to realize the hopelessness. But every once in a while, no matter how deep we go, it just gets sweeter and sweeter.|
Here are a few small suggestions to use or abuse:
S1 - The verb tense shifts from present to past with,
"I closed my eyes
I think, more correctly, it would be,
"I close my eyes and see"
S4 - The word "incident", to me, seems too harsh. Why not either leave it out entirely or use "the time" or some such.
S5 - "never be able" to "unable", then
"cannot bring myself to explain" becomes "cannot myself explain"
I just thought this bit should be shorter (tighter). See what you think
Well, a beautiful poem about a lost love, one that got away, or was cast aside, whatever. It hurts all the same. Somehow as you grow older these become treasured memories, softening through time, losing some of their hurt and gaining a sort of fuzzy tenderness.
Loved this one.
|| Posted on 2006-07-14 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] || Hmm, you know what? I rarely say this, but your poem made me itch to write as I was reading it... and that it was truly inspiring to come to this conclusion by the end of this piece. |
I get a lot of first impressions... you state it with beautiful imagery and unique expressions. To infuse apparent fiction with personal experience - to me - brings more life and colour to your 'fiction' - how often is anything every truly made up, disconnected from the soul of the writer? In my experience, not often at all, if ever.
If I cannot say anything constructive and just ramble on, it's because I truly like it and will make it a fave.
So yea. Just a quick note of appreciation.
(Goes off to scribble)
|| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ] || A beautiful piece. I especially admire how nearly each and every verse has a meaning to everyone although the whole topic is personal. |
The imagery is very sweet, but also very strong. It was quite hard not to visualise every picture of your past.
I realise this is fiction, but it is one based on the life of a girl, and the life of a person... the life of every person, if you may.
As for suggestions, I have none. I think the poem is fine as it is, I wouldn't change a thing. I only ask you to re-write 'scarcely' in the very first line because aparently there's been a typing mistake (I hate those).
The poem as a whole was very enjoyable and the imagery (I say once again) extremely beautiful.
I congratulate you on such a good job.
|| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ] || This poem is like a slight breeze, brushing its meaning against our minds. I like it, but I will nevertheless make a few suggestions. Notice how in S1 you you’ve omitted the word “is” before “fading”. This is proper, but I believe it also needs to be applied elsewhere in the poem. Perhaps “with” in L3; “all over” in S3L2; “and” in S6L2, following the dash; the comma after “me” in S6; “be” in S7L3 – all these could be eliminated, and I believe would give the poem more power.|
These are small adjustments I recommend, because the overall poem is quite beautiful, conveying its feeling and state of mind well.
|| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ] |