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Author: Car va g o
ASL Info:    35/M/NY
Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 180 /185 /45
Words: 239
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1574
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 3241


before anybody gets the wrong idea: I love Hume. I say bastard with a smile on my face like any guy knows. I know, I'm a dork.



The Ocean was still
like the frozen plane of a lake.
The long light on the surface


He felt pin prick points race over his skin
and a short run up his spine-
Like drying concrete
fear thickened in his throat;

Looking at the unnatural calm of the sea.


The sun did not rise today
and Hume was smiling in the sky.
The bastard was right
“don’t set your watch by expectation”
even if it’s Kant your waiting for.

She waited for the sun along the shores
until hope had died and she accepted


On the walk back she imagined
she felt the earth spin in a straight line.


The stars shone brighter on the last night;
It is true, there is always room for more.

                               a chill.

What is slow to the mind
is quick in time;
we are intimate with moments.

When stillness becomes emptiness,
the vacancies left
collapse into themselves.

Submitted on 2005-12-11 13:12:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  The way that this is formatted is very appealing, especially in the first stanza. The way you formatted it seems like an illustration for that one. You say “the long light came to his feet” and then those words falling, the really remind me of the ray of light across the water.
I like it because the mentioning of the see. I love the sea, sometimes it’s calming, sometimes it petrifies my (I’m thinking about the stormy sea), but “
the unnatural calm of the sea” can be strange too.
The mentioning Hume and Kant was interesting, and kind of cute.
When the day is dark and I’m feeling really depressed I imagine strange thing too. The earth spinning in a straight line is really weird (in a good way).
The third part is a bit rough and maybe to long. But the ending I loved the most. We tend to take for granted many things, and we shouldn’t. And all this stillness-darkness-emptiness-implosion thing seems familiar. I guess that is why I liked it...
Well that was it, not much of a review, just my thoughts.
| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok Marco... I've read this out and I have to say it has a really nice sonic quality to it overall. The single dropping words look pretty nifty and gives this piece a wonderful sense of aestheticness.

I also agree with David about your third stanza - it's too chunky compared to everything else - and it also has separate ideas... just a suggestion -
'The sun did not rise today
and Hume was smiling in the sky.

The [censored] was right -
“don’t set your watch by expectation”
even if it’s Kant your waiting for.

She waited for the sun along the shores
until hope had died and she accepted.'
- I split it three times. To me, it looks much better and separates this out into how I think it should read out.

This whole part after 'emptiness' could do with reworking I think. I think you meant 'shone' and the second line seems irrelevant to me, like space-filler. How about '
The stars shone brighter on the last night;
no room for sun or moon
that wasn't new'
- ok, I know that was a crappy suggestion but do you see what I mean? It takes out that middle line that just didn't click with me - so anything that does that in any way will smooth this kink out.

I also agree about this part -
'just a chill turned frost'
- which sticks out too much compared with your other dropping words. I think you should keep them singular again. And rework that whole part slightly (remember my previous suggestion incorporating 'no sun' in your previous stanza so you don't have to put it in there again... how about 'just/chill/turned/frost/made/ice'? I couldn't be bothered employing ES code to get the proper spacing - that would've taken me forever lol. By incorporating 'no sun' with the previous stanza you shorten the length of this part just enough to make use of the dropping word scheme work to your favour... ok, I just repeated myself but I had to reiterate lol.

The last stanza is perhaps a touch too wordy and should probably be split up into two... something like this -
'It comes on slowly in the mind,
quickly in time, until stillness becomes emptiness.

Leaving vacancies in hallow places
they took for granted
- to collapse into themselves.'
I inverted the second part as well, and also dropped some unnecessary connecting words to make it far more concise and easier to digest ... but even just dropping the second 'the' and spacing this out into two parts would be a lot more fluid in my opinion.

I'm also a stickler for consistency when a pattern is apparent - so cap the start of your second stanza and uncap the start of the fourth line. Also, drop the caps at the start of your second and third lines of your first stanza lol. And your periods - you're missing a couple at the end of sentences. Another thing (yes, just one more I promise lol) - perhaps a semi-colon after 'spine' - it doesn't seem to mesh without it.

I realize this comment wasn't very unbiased, but I've tried my best to give you suggestions that might work with your vision.

It really is an interesting piece - it gives off a well-orchestrated sense of spirituality and mysteriousness in a way...

Subconscious implosion? I'll take this all metaphorically according to how I see it. Water is the subconscious, the sun is the conscious. A frozen lake - your mind is captive and trying to understand but the sun isn't rising to thaw the lake out. So, if you cannot break free, you must implode instead. This female character could be your alter-ego/persona... I have no idea, I'm kinda fishing with that one.

But poetry is totally subjective. And I've rambled FAR too much already. I definitely think this critique will give you a few things to mull over Marco lol.


| Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Well let's see. I like the collapsing lines in this piece. They give the poem Eye interest and serve to heighten the meaning of the poem. It's a nice touch. The third doesn't do it for me as well as the other two do, though, because of the long central section. It seems to give the poem a stability I don't know if you want. An idea you might want to look at, if the idea is implosion... is maybe to bring the last stanza to more of a point... a smaller line even than what you end it with now... though you're obviously dealiing with the shortening line htere already. Maybe the stanzas themselves couold take a form... wide at the begining, coming together in the middle, and lengthening again at the ends? Just some ideas.
I like what I'll call the stage direction lines... the single word lines... the lines that set the mood of the piece. It's a good one to sit and think about and as a study in form... how form can mirror a thought and add to it.
| Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  Well here's some light airy thoughts for my morning coffee. ;-)

The ocean still
the earth spining in a straight line
the chill turned to frost

cold. empty. dark.

kind of amazing she's managing that walk along the shore without that spin.... but I'll allow you poetic licence there.

Catherine's geography teacher has told them twice now the sceneos that will lead to us all dying in the dark and in the cold (of course he is much more dramatic - and there will be more - and if not us, our grandchildren or their grandchild...he will also subject the to an entire class of being treated like sweatshop workers - but I'm off topic as usual....)

of course in your poem, we have no control over this fate, I almost like that better. and in the momments (or would it be days?) before we die, before everything dies - what a strange and fascinating place our mother earth (finally in her crone stage - if she's not there now) would be.

interesting write Marco, one to ponder...
| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by glasshill | [ Reply to This ]
  Quite a good write!
A couple of things that simply does not make sense for me in it is the wording of: "she felt the earth spin in a straight line."
When the poem is build up as a circular motion from still tying it together with empty - the straight line that is setup is broken, and the metaphor seems a bit off.

Also, you use a quote by Hume. When putting it together with a piece of nature (the rising sun), it seem to contradict his own notion of the divinity in nature (the nature God, most well put in his dialogues on a natural God), which is his project, and about the only thing you can expect. I think that putting Hume in at such a point in the poem is a mistake.
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]

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