a good deed by deadlydarkdevil

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Submission Name: a good deed dots

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Author:	deadlydarkdevil
Elite Ratio:	5.35 - 241/173/40
Words:	111

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	257
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	670

Description:
people tell me i should write sonnets...there ya go.

a good deed dots

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Oh knife with sharpened blade come to my hand
Your balance perfect as I test your weight
Spill forth the blood; Over my hands do send
The rushing warmth, my lust do satiate.
I yearn for the excruciating death
Of one who causes those around us pain
As I imagine feeling that last breath
My heart aches for the perpetual gain.
The lives of all those people I'll augment
By simply taking one unhelpful life
That person who with mere existence rent
Walls of pain open and caused so much strife
And so I lift this knife within my hand
To slash my wrists so that my life will end

Submitted on 2005-12-11 16:45:39 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Although suicide is in no way a new topic in poetry, I do admire the imagery you've put into this, especially in the beginning:

"Your balance perfect as I test your weight
Spill forth the blood; Over my hands do send
The rushing warmth, my lust do satiate.
I yearn for the excruciating death
Of one who causes those around us pain"

Those are lines whose meaning really caught my attention.

As for this being a sonnet, for some reason... it just didn't seem the proper theme for one. That may just be my opinion, but that's how I felt. A sonnet's strength is in description, but describing suicide somehow doesn't fit.

All in all, a fair job,
Peace,
DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  Classical forms are perpetually restrictive, so I'd say you've done well relating a story so concisely with so few lines to work with. I hate to admit it, but I knew where this write was going after the first line; something about fatal tension and knives, I suppose. It would be interesting to see where further experiments with the sonnet might take you. Not bad.
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  I should hope that writing something like this would get whatever might be bugging someone out of their system. I wonder about the audience for such dark, self destructive tales. It is my personal opinion that while writing it may serve as a purgative, reading it can put someone else in a more depressed state that before, except it help to know that one is in good company.

I have to confess that if I write about depression, it's about someone else's and my inability to properly deal with it. Your work has a classic ring to it, like an "Oh happy dagger" kind of thing. Good discriptions, but we have some philosophic differences in that I could not call this "a good deed", even for artistic purposes.
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  This sonnet, no offense sounds like angst to me. I did like your beginning though. With the description of the knife you hold between you hands. I just felt that you could have expanded on it and many other things in this piece. I know sonnets are supposed to be a shorter form of poetry(I hope so cause that how I write mine) This piece if you expanded it and gave ever piece the detail and imagery it deserved, it would be great. I just have the feeling with this piece that you rushed it to the end. For something as complicated and thought over as killing oneself it seems like a spurr of the minute thing. I have this knife, my life sucks, I cut my wrists. Like a commentor before me said, " You need to give the reader a reason why." Why is your life unhelpful above all overs. I know the feeling of wanting to kill oneself. It is a feeling of loathing, you get to the point where you are pass hating the world and blame it, but blaming yourself. Falsly of course. I just didn't get that feeling from this piece. A little bit of work and it will be great. Trust me.
Thanks for posting.(sorry for spelling mistakes)

Yours Truly,
Argos
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by Aruemos | [ Reply to This ]
  A little too morbid for my taste... mainly because my style of writing is very different... fuzzy bunnies, fluffy clouds. So needless to say this piece is intriuging to me because of the very different context and format.

I got the sense of desperation that you were trying to bring forth, but the ending seemed a little too cold and sorrowful... that was probably your intention though. I try to see the light in all drak pieces, but this one had no glimmer of hope... only death.

Dont take this as a bad comment though, I would love to be able to understand your anger batter, but I am just too much of a positive thinker!

I guess maybe I am a little jealous of your dark descriptive words, and part of me wishes I could express myslef so freely.

There is a couple of lines that really caught my atttention and got my mind thinking "As I imagine feeling that last breath
My heart aches for the perpetual gain." I have often imagined taking that final breath and thinking about where my life was and where my spirit will lay. You but my thoughts into words beautifuly here... thanks!

Ella
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey,
I've always liked the sonnet format, so I was interested in this piece. And at first glance, it's fine...But I feel like it should have been more than that. The subject matter, I don't think is a bad one for a sonnet but I think it needs to be expressed more fluently. Your lines seemed to be individual lines strung together, not one piece flowing together, probably because of the phrasing of some of the lines... Also, you seemed to repeat the same thing over and over again, I know it's the theme etc. Ok, you want to die, you have pain, you have a knife, that's great, you can express that in 3/4 lines. Move on to something else, like why?
I think you have a good basis here, you just need to polish it up and really find something original in your ideas. Hope this helps.
Thanks.

JoKing.
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]

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