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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Stungdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DrewDilla
    ASL Info:    25/M/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    2.81 - 131/196/51
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Serious
    Total Views: 713
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 842



    Description:
       I realy didn't write this to have a reason. A friend said something about a grip safty gun. So I just wrote. Just tell me what u think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStungdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wont to get off my bum
    and have a little fun
    with a grip safety gun
    and I bet you’re on the run
    so I shot off in the air
    and u start to stair
    you say now that's fair
    but of you it's rare
    I say I just don't care
    if you live or die
    and you shouldn't try
    very hard not to deny
    that I could kill.. you guy
    only to put you with your friend
    in reality you wont that in the end
    you wish you could bend
    time not to hit send
    so he still be alive
    but you have to strive
    you know so you do a dive
    like dodging bees out a hive
    that aint fun to do
    when you with your crew
    in the alley drinking some brew
    that sucks says me Andrew
    if you stung you turn blue




    Submitted on 2005-12-12 00:00:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I thought it rhymed together really well. It was pretty funny too, you punked some guy out it sounds like to me. Good write, sorry I didn't comment on this sooner.

    Holy xx
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Holy Wood | [ Reply to This ]
      This is okay. Unusually, I liked the addition of improper English; it fits in well. Since this is supposed to be rap, I won't critisize the rhymes although I thought this could be improved. At first, I thought this lacked a message, but when I read it more closely the next time, this was pretty meaningful.




    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-09-24 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      well, i loved the lyrics at times, but i thought this piece neeeded some grammatical work.

    some of the flow was interrupted or destroyed in my opinion by broken speech at times. just thought it was something u could improve upon.

    and i thought that the language was quite simplistic and elementary, even for lyrics. i'm not here to bash the piece, just offer a couple suggestions.

    tell u what, pm me your poem, ill do some edits, send it back, u edit it again, send it back to me, then repost alright? only if ur serious about ur poetry

    cheers
    loquacious mind
    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      have alittle fun
    with a grip safty gun

    I really like these lines. I enjoyed reading this, you express anger very well in this piece. In my opinion, the first line kinda lets it down but over-all I found it to be a worthwhile read! Sugar x
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by Sugar | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this is awsome how you say you could kill him! and the end is so cool these other people dont know what there talking about this is so cool i'm going to add this to my favorites ok well read ya later

    Shygirl

    Over and Out
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by shygirl | [ Reply to This ]
      not exactly my style, but it was intriging (sorry can't spell) I think that its a very interesting thing to write about a gun. hmmm makes me think of air soft guns...yea anyways nice minus spelling errors
    Tabbie Kat
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by Tabbie Kat | [ Reply to This ]
      Lol, beyond the whole point of spelling and propr sentences, I like it lol. I'm a violent person in most of my poetry, but i used to praise rap like it was a god or somethin lol. So I think it was good so, keep in touch, I WANNA HEAR MORE! Don't leave me hangin' onto this as the last thing I hear either lol.

    ~*AnGeL*~

    btw I still have some of MY rap, if you wanna compare sometime I have yim. yim=gothyka_bytch
    msn= living4ngel24hotmail.com
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by missing_angel | [ Reply to This ]
      What?! I dont fet it... but okay... guess if you put a good beat behind it anything can be a song.lol. I dont know I guess I'd have to hear it. But w/e If this is something you came up with in like 10 mins or w/e just cuz your friend said something You must be a [censored] genius cuz I could never come up with anything that rymed like that... of couse it didnt really make sense but hey... nobody needs to understand it but you right??? So... anywayz, thats my comment and it's finished.

    Drea
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by Drea | [ Reply to This ]
      Pretty pathetic.. Dont like it myself... But what can i say... You can ryhme... (Y) good show...

    :)

    Peace Out

    Keep writing

    Me :) xx
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by MysterydarkPoet | [ Reply to This ]
      look its not to be just writen it's supose to be like a rap. It wouldnt be very good if it was proper english. and if u say it would the go look up your favorit rapper online and read what he/she wrote. and if you talk to people on here they spell you with just an u
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by DrewDilla | [ Reply to This ]
      You really need to learn how to spell and form sentences and phrases before you try to write lyrics or poetry or whatever this is supposed to be. I'm sure you have good intentions, but nobody will ever take your work seriously when it's loaded with these types of errors.
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by eliwhitneyradio | [ Reply to This ]


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