Communion by Th

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Submission Name: Communion dots

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Author:	Th_Plonk
Elite Ratio:	6.38 - 41/41/10
Words:	123

Class/Type:	Misc/
Total Views:	187
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	753

Description:
Oddly enough, the setting is adequitely described by the title. Wierd, eh?

Communion dots

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This moment is forever.
All moments here are one.
In this music, hearbeat slows
My heart beats like a drum.

My hand in yours,
Your hand in mine.
You pull me deeper into Love.
I shake and cannot stop.

Breathing deep, I lift my voice.
This thing of mud and ashes
Spins upward in this wind
in wings of fire and gold.

Spun into Law, these words ring true:
I cannot hide - I shake and cannot stop.

Love pulls us deeper into Love.
Your hand in mine, my hand in yours.
This drum beats like my heart.

This heartbeat music slows.
All moments are this moment.
This moment is forever.

Submitted on 2005-12-12 01:30:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
The images here are of the drum and the heartbeat... in poetry, the meter associated with both of those is the iamb. Your verse is also mostly iambic... it gives the poem that drumbeat, heartbeat rhythm. There are a couple lines that you could add to and there by give the same iambic regularity too.
The key, for starters, would be to make sure all the lines have an even number of syllables, but that would only start it. Placement would also be important.
"(extra syllable)In this music, hearbeat slows"
Even syllable would just be a start though. Some of your lines have even syllable but start on such a strong word that the line becomes Trochaic instead... Which isn't bad.. but it breaks the heartbeat rhythm. Of course... the problem would be that you might get too sing-songy, but since you aren't rhyming, I don't think that would be an issue. Maybe just once go as far into the iambs as you can... see if it is too much. It's still a good poem as is... just play with how your words and form and ideas can all three Commune.
| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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