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duel [turn and draw]

Author: shes automatic
ASL Info:    17/f/ky
Elite Ratio:    2.99 - 47 /62 /13
Words: 203
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1010
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1372


the beginning line in parenthises is the first spoken line in the movie The Rules Of Attraction.
i haven't even revised this. i don't know. i like the end. i think the beginning could be stronger though. thoughts are nice. be kind. <3

duel [turn and draw]

'its a story that might bore you but you don't have to listen, because i always knew it was going to be like this'

cracked concrete.
dirty shoes.
long drags of smoke.

he's crying, but she's not listening.
taking a deep breath inward he exhales the winter air as she exhales the cigarette smoke.
he's always hated that about her.
she's always hated everything about him.

snow flurries dance in circles and land on their foreheads.
melting with direct contact to body heat.
her eyes are dark and bored with his precense.
his lips are curled and quivering, waiting for her to answer.

'i can change'
he mutters. he stammers. he cries.
'you'll never change'
she fidgets. she yells. she hates.

both staring at the ground, the akward silence hurts the most.
they stand back to back.
90 paces west.
turn and draw.

he draws his weapon.
but she is quicker.
shot him down.
pierced his fragile piece of pumping clarity.
he falls to his knees and even as he's dying for breath...he screams her name.
she laughs & stuffs the coiled silver death toy in her jacket.
on to a new victim.

Submitted on 2005-12-12 18:56:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Wow hun!
This has so much symbolism in it it's not even funny. You could take the actual shooting of the male character in a literal way or figurative way. As if by saying that he would die to be with her. He would change to be with her. She doesn't accept this...she wants out...she doesn't know any other way that to literally kill him (on the inside or the outside).
I like the opening. It was sort of like you set up the scene for us before the duel took place. The title, references to heartbreak, and the details you include awe me hun.
I loved it.
Definitely a favorite. Take care hun.
I love ya! <3 <3
Bethany Ann
| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow I really liked that one Ambuh. there are some real feelings and things I can relate to int he poem but I can't relate to them at this very moment :) I really liked it this was the first poem of yours I've read and I look forward to read ur other love you lady

| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by in_my_suffering | [ Reply to This ]
  Gosh... that is VERY depressing! But, I think your style is good, just maybe too sad for my liking :)
I think you could probably brush up on your capatilization techiniques ;)
| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by Aelfled | [ Reply to This ]
  This is pretty good, your right, the beginning does sound a little weak, but the ending makes up for it. For some reason i found the ending kinda funny when I read it, is there something wrong with me? lol
Anywyz it was great cya
| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by Darko | [ Reply to This ]

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