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    dots Submission Name: rounin kurodots

    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 869
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1201

       Sequel to/remake of Picture Perfect, but I want to know what it's like without reading the first one.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsrounin kurodots

    I've forsaken the portrait
    It's faded and peeling
    And I have begun
    my time of unsealing.

    Once doomed,
    now I've abandoned the place
    And they will be left
    without my real face.

    Smashed ancient lamps,
    broken glass is dispersed
    through the hall of my blood
    where I've broken the curse.

    Haunting control
    and ironic perfection
    have fed and released
    my dissolving reflection

    I've come my own way
    and I won't reconsider
    I've only just tapped
    what will now make me bitter.

    I know I'm still trying
    to let go of my past
    But it's made its mistakes
    And you'll be the last.

    Oh corpses of stone,
    you still linger in mind
    I'll forever remember
    how I was confined

    I hate all the ways
    you kept me in submission
    Now I can no longer
    ignore my ambitions.

    The desperate tear,
    the one I let fall,
    it's still eating away
    at the ruins of your hall.

    Submitted on 2005-12-12 20:55:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You grasp and abillity with rhyme is amazing. You do it with such ease it seems second nature. Do you find yourself rhyming in conversations and not realizing it? I do, and im nowhere near the rhymeing guru that you are. Very good piece. In fact i just read all of yours and I liked them alot. Your one of my favorites.
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm going to start by saying I love rhyme. I've read a lot of poems where the rhyme is forced and is distracting and takes away from the flow of the piece. In this piece however I got through the first 7 stanzas so smoothly. The line "But it's made its mistakes" Should it be *I made my mistakes* ? If not I don't understand what you are saying there. Also, the line "You kept me in submission" could be changed to *I was kept in submission* I really don't know what to make of the last stanza. I think you could end the piece stronger. But overall, I like this piece. Nice work :)
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]

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