rounin kuro by rounin

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Submission Name: rounin kuro dots

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Author:	rounin
ASL Info:	17/f/USA
Elite Ratio:	4.38 - 122/113/21
Words:	171

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	869
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1201

Description:
Sequel to/remake of Picture Perfect, but I want to know what it's like without reading the first one.

rounin kuro dots

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I've forsaken the portrait
It's faded and peeling
And I have begun
my time of unsealing.

Once doomed,
now I've abandoned the place
And they will be left
without my real face.

Smashed ancient lamps,
broken glass is dispersed
through the hall of my blood
where I've broken the curse.

Haunting control
and ironic perfection
have fed and released
my dissolving reflection

I've come my own way
and I won't reconsider
I've only just tapped
what will now make me bitter.

I know I'm still trying
to let go of my past
But it's made its mistakes
And you'll be the last.

Oh corpses of stone,
you still linger in mind
I'll forever remember
how I was confined

I hate all the ways
you kept me in submission
Now I can no longer
ignore my ambitions.

The desperate tear,
the one I let fall,
it's still eating away
at the ruins of your hall.

Submitted on 2005-12-12 20:55:46 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
You grasp and abillity with rhyme is amazing. You do it with such ease it seems second nature. Do you find yourself rhyming in conversations and not realizing it? I do, and im nowhere near the rhymeing guru that you are. Very good piece. In fact i just read all of yours and I liked them alot. Your one of my favorites.
| Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by Amanda Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
I'm going to start by saying I love rhyme. I've read a lot of poems where the rhyme is forced and is distracting and takes away from the flow of the piece. In this piece however I got through the first 7 stanzas so smoothly. The line "But it's made its mistakes" Should it be *I made my mistakes* ? If not I don't understand what you are saying there. Also, the line "You kept me in submission" could be changed to *I was kept in submission* I really don't know what to make of the last stanza. I think you could end the piece stronger. But overall, I like this piece. Nice work :)
Nicely
| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.