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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Why Can't You See?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lucianraven
    ASL Info:    21/M/Spfld Il
    Elite Ratio:    3.46 - 49/67/19
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1333
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 897



    Description:
       I know it's not my usual genre, but here is the story:I am madly in love with a girl, she also happens to be a very good friend, and in her words im "her best guy friend" and "basically like a bother" and everytime she says it she kills me, i swear, when she talks about guys it makes my cheeks burn and my blood boil, and this is how i feel right now, but i'll wait, as i have, for her to see.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhy Can't You See?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    How can you be so blind
    When I'm standing right before you?
    How can you not see
    How much i adore you?

    I've been here for years
    Helping and waiting
    Through smiles and tears
    But my hope is fast fading

    When life has trapped
    the road before you
    I place a pillow
    there to catch you

    With you unknowing
    I take the hit again
    to keep your smile
    ever glowing

    I try and fight
    with all of my might
    to protect you
    from the dark of night

    but one day soon
    I will be gone
    and you will find
    you have no one
    I can't seem to stress
    my love enough
    i cant keep you protected
    life is too rough
    Why cant you see?
    I look to you,
    just look to me!




    Submitted on 2005-12-12 20:58:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You were not kidding when you said that you had a similiar situation going on. I really loved your poem and you mannaged to hit the nail on the head as to what I am feeling. I would like to offer you a suggestion though on the very end. Your whole poem is grouped into four lines execpt the last stanza... Maybe you could go from...

    "but one day soon
    I will be gone
    and you will find
    you have no one
    I can't seem to stress
    my love enough
    i cant keep you protected
    life is too rough
    Why cant you see?
    I look to you,
    just look to me!

    To:

    A day soon, I will be gone
    and you will there all alone
    I can't seem to stress
    my love for you enough

    I cant keep you protected
    With all of this distance
    when your life is too rough
    And things have gone wrong

    Why cant you see?
    All the time, everytime
    I look to you,
    just look to me!

    Monica
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by mon28 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like that. I HATE the subject (because i can relate completely to every word), but you said it perfectly. I would say that maybe you should tell her... but even I dont take my own advice, so nevermind. Anywhoooo I like the way you word things. Good luck with everything. I hope it all works out. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      yea i think love sucks. actually... i don't really believe in true love. lol
    well, if you REALLY want her to know how you feel, just tell her. makes life simple. i'm a simple minded simpleton. and i know life isn't that easy, but that's all i have to say! for all you know, she could like you and is afraid to admit it.
    about the actual writing part... the rhyming and flow weren't really consistent and that made it harder to read, but the feelings and story behind this one make it a really nice read.
    write on and speak up!
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by LoneWolf | [ Reply to This ]
      damn...I hate these kind of situations; but I love these kinds of poems. I've been in the situation quite a few times...and I've even been in your place once or twice, and really, it's true, it does not get any easier. Not unless you really make it happen. I'm not saying give up hope, I'm saying keep pushing and keep a positive outlook but don't expect anything...or you'll be crushed even more.

    Now about the poem. I really liked it, it a roughness to it, but it wasn't an all bad one it actually worked for you. The last stanza I'd say kind of threw me for a second, but then it pulled me right back in. It's got some serious emotion in there too, and that's what is truly important. I'd say, as I would say with everyone and anyones writing, let it sit for a week or two, and go back and maybe revise a little, bring out it's full potential.

    I also loved how the rhyming scheme was kind of out of wack...Idk why, but it really worked for you.

    Good luck and great poem,

    -Miss M.
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow... i feel your pain one becasue it is in this peice with every word you chose but also becasue i know what it is like to be the friend that they see as their best friend. unfortunately it does not get easier. but i could be wrong about your situation. great write. very heartfelt.
    "i cant keep you protected
    life is too rough"
    i think this line is one of my favorite lines out of the whole peice. i thought that it was a great poem overall good luck with everything...Joy
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      The end kinda caught me off guard, the way it breaks away from the pattern you start out with, standard 4-line rhyming stanzas. But I did like that, my figurative impression was a sort of sharp edge, I think it's effective in that way. sort of getting faster, more intense like that. You should give it to her...see what happens.
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by rounin | [ Reply to This ]


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