Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

One Day...


Author: lucianraven
ASL Info:    21/M/Spfld Il
Elite Ratio:    3.46 - 49 /67 /19
Words: 79
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1942
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 486



Description:


Basically, i got the $H!T kicked outta me because i was 2o minutes late for my appointment with my friggin shrink and it wasnt even my fault! anyway, if it wasn't -22 degrees outside i'd run away, i get yelled at and told im worthless everyday and im sick of it ya kno!? Anyway, since it's cold, i'll just write to clear it up shall i? enjoy.


One Day...



You look at me and scream
But you can only fuel my dream
You crush my spirit, but the cruel twist
Is that i do worse upon my wrist

You say I'm trash
The lowest of low
This bird will crash
And then you'll know
Just why i thought
I had to go

With you it's push
with you it's shove
So i cut myself
To imagine a love
That i have never felt





Submitted on 2005-12-12 21:12:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I self mutulated for the longest time untill I found drugs...so I have nothing against self harm. This was beautifully written, I would look at the third stanza though the last couple lines sound a little awkward, like it dirupts the flow. Never believe the f***ed up things people say to you.
| Posted on 2007-08-10 00:00:00 | by Halston | [ Reply to This ]
  Brilliant Piece i love this i can totally relate as the same things happen to me but its only my step dad i swear he hates me lol
i love this stanza as it says exactly what i would like to say to my parents but because they dont know i can't and i'd probably get the sI-Iit kicked through me even more...

'You look at me and scream
But you can only fuel my dream
You crush my spirit, but the cruel twist
Is that i do worse upon my wirst'

one slight spelling mistake but apart from that its excellent.

Definitly keep writing
Take care and if you ever need to talk i'm a good listener lol or so i'm told.

Love izzi x

P.s Definitly a faves addition.
| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by fallen_angel384 | [ Reply to This ]
  i hate to be so bad commenty but i CAN relate! this was written beautifully! I can't even describe it! I'm not saying that i endorse the cutting business, but i can't critizize you for it, i'm not a hypocrite. Once more- awsome piece.
| Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by LivingShadow | [ Reply to This ]
  another great piece from you. i like how you write...alot. i think i'm going to stalk you...i hate stalkin people but i like the way you write so i think i will stalk you...you're the first. lol.
xoxoxo
Reeses
P.S. please dont forget to look at some of my stufff...much love byebye for now
| Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Numb | [ Reply to This ]
  really good write although i dont really know what to put lol er... if you ever need to talk pm me or somthing i think i could help as i'm going through the same thing at the moment...
keep writing youve got talent.
take care
izzi xx
| Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by fallen_angel384 | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a good write but I don't realy understand is this a poem about you feeling abanodoned or not feeling loved ??? I have good things to say about it though . the word flow is great and the last phrase is realy haunting because I have felt the same way about some of my loves and hopes
like in my last poem A Prayer for many it explanes why i am so against busch(sic) the stupid idot but any way i just have to say that if you ever feel like suiciding pm me and I can try to help
sk
| Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by stormkrow | [ Reply to This ]
  Thats so sad... nicely written though. I know what you mean. Its rough, but... I hear it all brightens up eventually (I dont know... Im still waiting...). My favorite part is the end:

"With you it's push and shove
So i cut myself
To imagine a love
That i've never felt"

I love it. Great job

-nikkki
| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh Ian...its sad...but its actually really pretty good...umm the emotion was pretty good...but the end seems like u kinda just cut it off...like it was too short...from all the emotion its seems like it would be longer...but yea it was good...
| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by RainbowGirl | [ Reply to This ]
  running away isn't all that fun. been there done that. i was found very quickly... but i think that's only cuz i went to my friend's house and her house is like a 30 second jog from my house. but at least there was no snow outside when i ran away!
the flow on this one was actually really goodly done! well done.. done good? done well... you know what i mean...
the emotions behind this one are pretty strong... but cutting is BAD! and i will continue to tell you that so hahahahahaha!
maybe you should tell your parents that it's not very nice to tell you you're worthless... and maybe they shouldn't hit you unless that was just an expression when you said you got the 5hit kicked out of you.
i loved this poem... short and sweet. straight to the point. way better than the super long i don't want to keep reading this poem ones. unless they're good... then i actually read them... ok now i'm done.
really nice write! keep it up!
| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by LoneWolf | [ Reply to This ]
  *sigh*...know how ya feel man. I can relate here, sadly...sorry you've got "those" parents too.

I really like it though, it's simple and short, and not overly drawn out...it helps you readers relate better, and helps them enjoy it more I think.

Great job...

-Miss M.
| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really emotional piece - it really blew me away.
Although I am going to suggest that you either correct the grammar (capitalize "i"s and the such) or delete it all together, either way will work.

"With you it's push and shove
So i cut myself
To imagine a love
That i've never felt"

I really liked that.
Keep Writing
-Caribou-
| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
  short and yet so full of emotion, wonderful piece i shall be adding this one to my favs, i like the third stanza the best it compared to different beings but made them mingle, the beginning also had a lot of meaning and put forth a fight, between you and who ever else is involved by say or showing what you do because of them, overall this poem had depth emotion and a good start and finish,
++My Pain++
| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a really spirtual piece. I'm sorry that you feel like this. I like the write though, and I know where your coming from.
Keep your head up,
Georgina
| Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by Raye | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



84249