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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Kool-Aid comfortdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: playcrackthesky
    ASL Info:    21/f/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463/457/88
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 845
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1000



    Description:
       Not so sure where I got this one... I hope you can kind of understand it. whatever critism is welcome not feared. be my guest.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKool-Aid comfortdots
    -------------------------------------------


    “Do you want some Kool-aid, Steph?”
    Knocking just loud enough
    To be heard over my squabbling heart.

    Push words through my eyes
    Let them drip away
    Far from my thoughts.

    Can’t delve into this image
    Of brownie batter eyes,
    While spending splotchy afternoons
    Carving happiness on my face.

    “Brave it away, Steph, brave it away”
    Pleading not prodding but hoping me out
    Of a destructive, memory scarred bed.

    How can locks resemble the gloss of your eyes?

    Luster, capturing the edge of my sight
    Pulling and thrashing my will to the floor
    Stare into what I only wish to be there.

    Who are your eyes gazing through today?
    That you smother in heat so perfectly fabricated
    Passion always seemed your best friend
    Leading and pointing the way to a game.

    “He doesn’t deserve you, Steph, he doesn’t deserve you.”




    Submitted on 2005-12-12 21:39:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok Steph, this is over my head. I at first thought you were high, thenrealize no you seem to be scared to face what your eyes make you see. You are avoiding some truth. It seems like you are willing yoursekf to see that this guy is a jerk. Anyways, I love the flow and I liked the imagery. This was nicely done.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Neatly done, Steph, a very compelling read, that drags the reder through, wishing to know where it goes.

    Not much I can criticize, I really enjoyed the narrative-like style you did it in.

    Well done

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to say you could take this two ways: the accusations could be toward the guy who broke your heart or this guy who brings Kool Aid, but I'm not sure which is the most compelling.

    You know, I like how you don't say who this person that comes to the door with Kool Aid is because it's like it's going to be like a play by Harold Pinter in which some mysterious stranger shows up and mysterious (but bad) things happen. This "myserious non-stranger" seems to be a well-meaning controller.

    Well, this definately has some unique imagery. I quite like:

    Can’t delve into this image
    Of brownie batter eyes,
    While spending splotchy afternoons
    Carving happiness on my face.

    One thing that really perked my interest is "How can locks resemble the gloss of your eyes?" because it could mean hair or locks that have keys.

    This is refreshingly original, Amy
    | Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really interesting. I think you did a great job with this one. I like the descriptions you use here to allow the reader a true sense of your feelings. Relationships are so hard and men can be such [censored]s! I like how you talk with yourself here telling yourself to be strong and reinforcing your self esteem as you cry with tears that he has caused. I like the line "push words through my eyes" I think that is very clever and kind of like saying that each word is represented by a teardrop. I like the painted on face reference here as well, I think we all know how that feels. This is a nicely written and expressed write you have here. Good work. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good, the title was pretty nifty (it imediately drew me in)
    I loved the lines
    "Pleading not prodding but hoping me out
    Of a destructive, memory scarred bed."
    I'm pretty sure I "kind of understood it" I hope so, and if not I don't care because I like what I got from it - lol.
    But Keep Writing!
    I look forward to seeing some more of your work.
    -Caribou-
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, how could people not comment on this.
    I initially didn't like some of your word choices,
    but they grew on me. I think the piece could be improved, but I really like it as is. "Brave it away Steph, ..." I loved that part. I love the title. It caught my eye before, and I wanted to read it, but I got sidetracked.
    Anyway Nice work!
    Nicely
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]


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