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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Finding Sundaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aferisan
    Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 17/25/15
    Words: 859
    Class/Type: Story/Nature
    Total Views: 185
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4950



    Description:
       Hopefully a inspirational story for both young and old. It's fairly long so if you just read this I warn you.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFinding Sundaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Jerry touched down the plane. Smog lines carved a path of black smoke marking the plane’s descent. A squeaky noisy emitted as the plane bounced up and down, decreasing it’s speed.

    The plane itself was a beauty. Two white-washed wings connected to a slim white fuselage marked by a red stripe. The bottom folded out three wheels, one on each wing and one in the middle. Written on top of the red stripe on the plane was, in black cursive, “Passing Years”.

    A door opened on the plane, and a pair of automatic stairs leapt onto the runway. Jerry stepped out, wearing dark sunglasses and the standard leather jacket with jeans. Nearly swaggering he walked down the steps, heavy footsteps on each stair.

    “Went out for another run?” asked a fellow pilot, extremely plain-looking fellow with a exuberant personality. The man was blonde, wearing flannel and jeans working on the underbelly of his own plane, a glider.

    “Yeah Rick, I gotta tell you, each time I go up its like heaven. Up there in the clouds, I feel like a young man, not these worldly aches or knowledge to weigh me down.” replied Jerry, feeling particularly resentful of his 50+ status now that he was grounded.

    “Yah, I gotta say, for a mid-life crisis you chose the right hobby” joked Rick, wiping some engine oil off on his jeans.

    People at the runway always made jokes to Jerry, which he accepted with humorous smiles. The only man to start flying at the age of 40 he had put in more flight time more and more recently as he aged. Maybe it was his wife, his spare time, hell even his retirement could be the cause, he always considered the possibilities.


    Back at home he walked around. He had the home remodeled three times, each time worse than the last. He knocked his feet on the wood floors, they could have them now since the kids weren’t their to ruin them. Along his hallway hung pictures of their kids growing up. Jerry walked by and imagined each of his three kids growing in each picture as he passed by them.

    His wife had receded to a more feminine pastime. She would shop all day, gossip among the other ladies in the neighborhood, in fact she spent nearly all day doing that. There was always a new dress to get, always some impossibly young clothing that looked absolutely horrid on anyone except a teenager.

    Ah, he thought, the good ol’ days were long and past, he had time, relaxation and except for some minor back troubles and achy legs, he was happy. But he wasn’t.

    When he was young, he looked back on those days, the only time he could seem to remember having fun, was never. He remembered those sick dreary days, the ones where it rained, where the house was kept stifling hot. He remembered the sore throats, the runny noses, the absolute heat of everything despite it being below 58 degrees. Those days he felt envious of his health as if every time he was healthy he didn’t take it for granted. Strange as it was, he never thought about his enjoyment during those happy times, and left his mind surprisingly obscure as to memories.

    Youth, wasted on the young, he murmured to himself. That saying was more true than anything he had every remembered. He looked back at his past hobbies, trivial pursuits to his interests now. A golf set sat next to a wall, gathering dust, poor looking shabby clubs, that were once kept oiled, cleaned and sparkly. Tennis rackets, soccer balls, footballs, all those things his kids once loved now rolled in his closet, neglected.

    He always even looked at those long hours at the workplace. Every project was a challenge, the rushing eager interns and the jaded veterans of the paper battlefield. A old hand in his last days he worked disenchanted, a prize horse turned mule. He never had enough Sundays. The only good memory he really had were those nonexistent Sundays he had to spend with his kids, and now the kids were gone and every week was a free day.


    That next morning Rick saw Jerry walking out to his plane at 5:00.

    “Damn, Jer, you come here every morning at five?”

    “Nah, why you here anyway?” Pilot lingo tended to rub off on people, after a while everyone in the sky spoke improper grammar.

    “Just installing a new gas tank, I’m so damn eager I swear I’m a kid at Christmastime with that baby. So why you here?”

    “Finding my Sundays”

    “Crazy bastard, it’s Monday and we both know it, you always pull some crazy answer out of that mouth of yours. Well I find my Sundays right after Saturday, pssh, like anyone could get anything more out of Sunday’s than a good start on Monday’s work” ranted Rick, with wild gesticulations with a wrench.

    “Someday you’ll get it Rick, we all chase our Sundays”




    Submitted on 2005-12-13 17:36:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Right, I'm going to make this comment mainly technical because I do like the story and the sentiment of it all and others will comment on that. It does put across that feeling of nostalgia, the lost days of youth etc. but needs some serious refining. I hope you don't mind the nit-picking, it just means I enjoyed this piece enough to want to see it improved...

    Okay, that first sentence is great. Immediately the scene is set and we have Jerry in the plane, descending on the landing strip.

    The next sentence: 'A squeaky noisy emitted as the plane bounced up and down, decreasing it’s speed.' is developing the scene but 'squeaky noise emitted' are 3 words that can be cut to 1, because the reader knows that a squeak is a noise and noises are emitted from the source. So maybe 'The plane squeaked as it bounced up and down on the landing strip.'.

    The second paragraph is good. We get a nice idea of what the plane looks like and I love the name you gave it.

    In the third paragraph it's a case of cutting unneeded words out again. 'Standard leather jacket' describes no more to the reader than simply 'leather jacket'. The same goes with 'Nearly swaggering he walked down the steps'. This is very confusing because it detracts from the story by causing the reader to imagine something that is a bit like swaggering but is also walking. It should just be 'He walked unsteadily down the steps' or 'he swaggered down the steps' depending on whether you want to display him as a confident person or not.

    In the fourth paragraph you should tell us straight away what this fellow pilot is doing. He seems to jump out of nowhere. The lack of description let me down a bit and I couldn't picture the landing strip at all, maybe go into this on the second paragraph, describing the other pilot, where he is, who he is (depending on whether Jerry knows him) and what he is doing...

    The following dialogue is great. It tells us how Jerry is feeling, why he flies and also lets us in on the theme of his problems with his age. I think you should cut out the awkward '50+ status' though because it doesn't read well and if you replace it with simply 'age' then by the next line of dialogue we will know how old he is.

    In the next paragraph cut out 'humorous', it's grammatically incorrect and would work better as simply 'he accepted with smiles' or 'he accepted with uneasy smiles' to give a better idea of his character.

    I think the transition from airstrip to home is too sudden. Perhaps have Jerry make some remark as to where he is going now. Something like: "'See you later, Rick' said Jerry as he turned and walked to his car"



    Right I know I haven't finished talking about the whole piece but I got a bit carried away as it is. I do really like the idea of this piece but you need to be really strict with yourself as to what words are not needed, particularly in your descriptive language. But really do keep going with expanding it, it's worth it for the story you are telling. If you do want me to give you my thoughts on the rest of the piece just let me know and I will, I'm just a bit strapped for time right now...
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by manintheshack | [ Reply to This ]
      Incredible piece.


    Flight, granter of freedom.
    Comfort.
    Santuary from a not so happy life.
    Perhaps even escape?

    Maybe even peace.
    Peace of mind?

    I run. Used to for school cross country team.. but I don't like being watched. Running.. to be free. Escaping. Cold air and exaustion do me good. Sometimes.. after a good run, I could conquer the world. Just being able to get away from it all..
    I like easy ways out. Escape.
    I think I'd like to be a pilot. I have an uncle who flys planes. I may.. someday. Take a load of work.. but might be worth it.


    I'm trying to put together the pieces to Jerry.. Quiet reserved guy perhaps? Pilot lingo. Minimum words.
    Heh, I guess I use "pilot lingo" when I talk.. I mumble a lot though.. try to get away with the least possible amount spoken.

    Five am. He must have had to get up at three am to get back at five.. three am is really lovely. Dark, quiet. No distractions.. Good time for writing. My family has a lot of kids though.. Five children, I'm first child. Only time of the bloody day when it's quiet.

    I would like Jerry I think.


    This piece.. Kind of nostalgic too. Memories of time past. Bit of regret.


    Last note:
    The begining, when you use the describtions with "black smog", It makes it sound like something is wrong with the plane, and is slightly confusing. Maybe "cloudy white emission" or something to that degree, less negative?



    Other than that.. Beautiful piece, sorry about all the spacing in this comment.

    PS- I looked at your comments you've given. No need to comment back on any of my piece[s]. I don't need any "What the xxxx?"s or arrogant - aired bashings without a reason.


    Thank you for the most excellent read.
    *tips hat* Good day to you.
    Peace.
    -MechanicalQ
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by MechanicalQ | [ Reply to This ]



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