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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: srcastic1
    ASL Info:    18/F/IA
    Elite Ratio:    6.29 - 96/97/28
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 561
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 898

       I'm kind of experimenting with different rhyme schemes, because I've never really been much for constant endrhyme to begin with. I think in the first few lines the flow could be improved a bit. Just let me know what you think.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I dumbly follow fate's footsteps forgiving
    for sending me The Someone with the key
    to slide in my depths, fit every contour
    and pull apart my protective shell
    in one loving motion swiftly.
    For giving me the gift of rapture yet
    letting days pass slowly
    before years can come.
    For leaving me on my back with guts hanging, and the blood blinding,
    trust's casualty.
    For leaving me, naive child, willing to follow
    to earth's end and fall in vain
    believing I'll land on optimism's haze
    and float away, I can forgive.
    Because I can take in and never waste ecstasy,
    Because his words shield my vulnerablility,
    Because the power to leave and will to lay
    sustains in me,
    And very little is held by invisible entity,
    I forgive fate for giving me love.

    Submitted on 2005-12-13 20:52:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, it definitely flows well. I really like the way your wrote the first few lines. It was alliteration at its best! There was one part that I got tripped up on ...

    "For leaving me on my back with guts hanging and the blood blinding,
    trust's casualty."

    However, I reread the line with the comma, and it went a little more smoothly.

    As for the content of the poem ... I was concentrating on the scheme, but then found myself being enveloped into the meaning. I rather enjoyed this poem. I had to read it again, but the same part that tripped me up also caught my attention.

    As I do not do well at the whole rhyming scheme, I'm afraid I can't help you. But I did enjoy reading this poem, and it flowed almost effortlessly. I did notice that the momentum slowed down towards the end, but perhaps, that's what you intended?

    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by Cyntia | [ Reply to This ]

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