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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a man and his miserydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jbb360
    ASL Info:    22.m.wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 25/36/12
    Words: 289
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 933
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1750



    Description:
       details


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa man and his miserydots
    -------------------------------------------


    as i sit here lonely
    hearing fingers strike keys
    i listen to the piano
    and begin to weep
    not hard or down pouring
    just one single tear
    that fall off of my cheek
    and drops into my beer
    i let that tear fall
    for the life that ive lived
    i could have been cought
    but i fell through the sieve
    i let that tear fall
    for the ones that ive crossed
    and i should let one more go
    for the ones that ive lost
    ive lived many years
    with many regrets
    when i was younger
    i thought better i expect
    but now that im older
    i realize the truth
    that life slowly slips away
    till its gone in a poof
    some times it goes
    when you let out your last breath
    my life went away
    when i had nothing left
    my spirit left my heart
    when i turned 43
    the day my wife died
    and left me to be me
    i found depths to my soul
    i knew not exsisted
    and slowly they burried me
    instead of being uplifted
    i found darkness in places
    i expected the light
    i found parts of my mind
    that raced all through the night
    i lost my wife the last time i cried
    and i havent cried in 17 years
    lost all my life
    and shed not 1 tear
    but as i sit here lonely
    and think of this earth
    i let loose with 1 tear
    that it truely deserves
    and when this tear falls
    all of my life will be gone
    but ill still be here drinking
    compleatly alone
    so remeber this tear
    that i shed on this night
    for that single tear falling
    is the last of my life




    Submitted on 2005-12-13 22:44:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well I think I will have to disagree. I think you could leave it alone. I mean punctuation is great and all but I think the lack there of is also sometime good. As for the shortness of each line I think that kind of added to it. Not always to I like this type of writing but I have done it. A lot of my work does not have punctuation and maybe one or two will never get it but I do intend to go back and add a lot to almost all of it but I can guarantee that “Son Of Man” will never have any more than it already does. Awesome job.
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by SonAsylum | [ Reply to This ]
      Follow 'seven dots' advice.
    Combine a few lines and finish thoughts using a tad bit of punctuation a couple more times. Try making lines longer so it is not as choppy to read. This will shorted the page and not stiffle the reader by the emensely stretched out writing. At least capitalize As the first word, but it is awfully hard to continue on with just one breath to the end. Thats right, periods or rest for another breath will be formed by PERIODS!
    And, if I might also add if it helps read it over and check to see it does not contain rambling on phrases.
    Other than that a bit of tweeking will make this really cool, but its all up to you.
    Hea, some like this style writing, so hang in there and wait until a few more comments arrive then make your decision.
    LATER
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, you know how to capture a great amount of sorrow in your writing, grasping emotions that I'm assuming aren't necessarily your own-judging by your age and what I've read of your postings. That's awesome!

    I too agree that this would be easier to read if you broke it up a bit. Also, I think that you could help it sound a bit better if you got rid of some unnecessary words. I also was going to suggest that you drop the line that says

    not hard or down pouring

    Now I'm far from perfect, but I'm quickly learning that you need the words to say it without being so blunt about it. It'll start getting repetitive and people won't want to read it.

    I do love the amount of emotion that you put into your writing. It drew me in as a reading and made me sympathize for the person in the poem. You did a great job-I would simply suggest going back and read your piece over again and see what is really essential to keep in the poem as far as words go. It's the little words that at times can ruin an otherwise steller piece of work. Keep it up! I will keep reading as long as you keep posting!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]


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