Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: red lightsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tinasha
    ASL Info:    20/Female/Oklahoma City
    Elite Ratio:    3.96 - 100/142/41
    Words: 163
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 837
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1446



    Description:
       this poem is dedicated to the black men that struggled that i might be free


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsred lightsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    red lights
    red-blue lights
    red light ran
    red-blue lights in rear view
    red, blue, white stars on church pews
    funeral blues
    ceremonial deaths
    covered with red hues
    paying dues
    refusing to acknowledge ones false muse
    red lights
    red-blue lights
    red light ran
    red-blue lights in rear sight
    red-blue blood
           never turning white
           never being right
    meandering into plights
    coming out with fights
    more red-blue lights
    minus red, blue, white stars
    head duck into cars
    yet another farce
    of the black scars
    that cover white stars
    of a blue-eyed
           red-blood nation
    using infiltration
    to promote patriotism
    red, white, blue flags
    blue, white, red masks
    to conceal past     sins
    performed again and again
    a nation of friendly enemies
    torn from alimony
    unholy matrimony
    red stains on sheets white
    from black bruises
    and blue eyes
    blue-red dies
    red lights
    red-blue lights
    red light ran
    red-blue lights reflect black skin
    skin rots
           iím caught




    Submitted on 2005-12-14 02:13:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like how this poem is dedicated to all of those people who fought for freedom and let a nation be what it is today. That was very thoughtful and inspiring to read from my point of view. The thought of the past was a time i wouldn't like to be in yet at the same time, if i could of done something to change all the negativities there were in society, then probably i would of wanted to be there. So this poem symbolize a lot about the past.

    This piece might be perfect in terms of ideas yet the structure behind it lacks a lot of things. Things that i have observed is firstly your over use of the color blue, white and especially red. I know you are trying to highlight "Red" and you did well by stating it in the title and then stating it in the piece itself but you overused it so much that in the end that same "Red light" did not mean as much as it should of had.

    Secondly, Where is the punctuation? I know you used another line for every break but punctuation deserves to play a part in poetry. It's not something to just dash away because you think there might be no use of it for this piece.

    Thirdly, You state one general idea. You didn't break it down into smaller portions to give the reader a closer look at what you are talking or more likely expressing yourself over. When reading something, the reader follows the bits and then when the reader reaches the end, the general idea behind everything makes sense. But here, it's all gathered together and once again looses meaning in the end

    So my overall assessment is, this piece is wonderful and expresses something that many people risks their lives just to make it happen but the way it was put was lost in translation. Yet somehow, i enjoyed this very much. It was refreshing and worth reading. You have a vision unlike any other. I am looking forward in seeing more of your work.

    Take care,
    Irina
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    84399

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry