Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

In the dark room..

Author: Sanjhana
ASL Info:    21/f/India
Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 118 /154 /45
Words: 105
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1121
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 691



In the dark room..

in the dark room...

she could hear soft thuds
something was falling
but nothing was to be seen

she could feel salty drops
falling on her arms and face
but nothing was to be seen

a flash of lightening
showed a ghastly figure
after which nothing was to be seen

lighting a match
with all the strenght she could muster
she glanced around to see...

it was her reflection in the mirror
tears streamed down her face
from her swollen, blood shot eyes

realisation hit hard
she was in pieces
her heart and spirit on the floor

Submitted on 2005-12-14 05:44:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  hey which city are you from...?
i'm from delhi...
anyways the poem is nice...yeah its a lame comment.
who's the guy you've been looking for...and congratulations, loss of love turns us into poets.
So do not love.
| Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by Devrath | [ Reply to This ]
  I love it. It is really sad though, but i can understand how you feel. I feel the same way when i look in the mirror.
"it was her reflection in the mirror
tears streamed down her face
from her swollen, blood shot eyes"

I loved that, At first you thought that maybe something was in her room...and then it went for a bit of a twist and put a little shock in you poem. Very good, going to my favs list.
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by cannibal | [ Reply to This ]
  this was dark, spooky if i may say. what i found discontenting was that there was no explanation as to why she was brokne or who the "ghastly figure" was. i believe this has already been mentioned so i'm sorry to repeat. i did however like the present story line. it was excellent (up till the end of course) i hope to see if you decide to change it up a bit, but even if you don't i liked it anyway.

| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really sad
I pictured a very lonely soul who just wanted to give her love to the world but was always turned away
Fantastic Write
God Bless
| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  This has some really good elements. I like the visual pictures you give the reader and the stark tone. Some minor spelling & grammar errors, but other than that, pretty good effort.


| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the way you put this together, and the visual image it creates. The dark room symbolizing depression. Something was falling but nothing could be seen.. like the mind slipping into depression. Then, just for a moment, she sees the place she's fallen into, as it shows on her face.

"she was in pieces
her heart and spirit on the floor" < good description.

Nice work!
My only critique.. that maybe omitting "to be" from this line would make it read better? > "but nothing was to be seen"

and a typo with "strenght" - which should be "strength".

I enjoyed this piece as good poetry.
| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the "but nothing could be seen" part of this, it's a little repetative but it buts dramatic supence and makes you want to read on. but i realy like the ending were she see's herself broken but it makes me want to know why she is broken in pieces. i realy would like to see a continuation to this poem that decribes why she is broken. just a segestion. thx for the read.

| Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?