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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blooddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kera
    ASL Info:    18-f-NH
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 116/129/29
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1016
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 614



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlooddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dark blood falling
    off the rose
    resembles the tear of blood
    falling off my cheek.
    It engulfs my world in darkness,
    and pulls me deeper still.
    I see the light,
    and try to run,
    but it captures me
    in my fear of living without
    the feeling of true love I find
    when near you;
    our children run,
    for in the darkness
    we hear our children scream.
    We hide from what we hear
    and run into the stream,
    the stream of blood
    falling from our eyes
    as it is with the rose
    in this life of pain.




    Submitted on 2004-04-25 22:33:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Okay, first of all, don't listen to Wannakill. I doubt he actually read the poem, and if he did, it's clear he has no real knowledge of this place. I don't see his point of repeated words. Blood, rose, children, and darkness are each used twice, which does not feel excessive in a piece of this length, esp rose... that's your metaphor, and you tied it through very skillfully. My only real suggestion on those lines is to avoid using "red" or "crimson" to describe blood. Way overused words.

    Secondly, the flow could use a little work, but your images are very dramatic. Especially that first one. I could just see a drop of blood trembling on the tip of a rose-petal. There is no such thing as too many words in poetry, as long as the whole thing flows.

    Okay, I've got some punctuation/grammer stuff here, and some suggestions to improve the flow.

    Line 1: take out "red"
    LIne 2: remove the ; those are hard to use properly, I know professors who can't use it right.
    Line 3: change "my" to "the", and remove the ending comma
    Line 4: change the comma to a period
    Line 5: Change "and" to "It"
    Line 6: try "deeper still" in place of "into it further", and use a period at the end of the line
    Line 9: "with out" should be "without"
    Line 10: try "true love I find" , with no comma at the end
    Line 11: THAT is a proper use of a ; ...
    Line 12: change ; to ,
    Line 14: add a ; or period to the end. If a period, capitalize the "we" in line 15
    Line 16: change ; to ,
    Line 18: add a comma at the end
    Line 20: try "is" in place of "does"
    Here's the whole thing w/ the changes.

    Dark blood falling
    off the rose
    resembles the tear of blood
    falling off my cheek.
    It engulfs my world in darkness,
    and pulls me deeper still.
    I see the light,
    and try to run,
    but it captures me
    in my fear of living without
    the feeling of true love I find
    when near you;
    our children run,
    for in the darkness
    we hear our children scream.
    We hide from what we hear
    and run into the stream,
    the stream of blood
    falling from our eyes
    as it is with the rose
    in this life of pain.

    I love the pacing you use. The first part, while by no means swift, maintains a fairly steady beat. The last four lines slow down dramatically, like the last few drops of water from a faucet... or blood off a rose.

    Don't feel picked on, sweetie. You have an incredible talent for one so young. When i think of the drivel I wrote at 14! *shudders* Hugs! And well done! <><
    | Posted on 2004-04-26 00:00:00 | by WorththeWait | [ Reply to This ]


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