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    dots Submission Name: to longdots

    Author: jbb360
    ASL Info:    22.m.wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 25/36/12
    Words: 221
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 573
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1327


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsto longdots

    as i lay in this bed
    and wither away
    i reflect on the past
    and my better days
    when i was younger
    and strong enough to walk
    when i had lots to say
    and always loved to talk
    but as i lay here
    enshourded in blankets
    im sure im at my end
    i dont know how much longer can i take it
    i realize this bed
    and blanket are like a coffin
    and i couldnt leave if i wanted
    im basicially locked in
    my muscles to weak to move
    my hands to weak to grab
    my legs to weak to support
    my lungs to weak to gasp
    as i wither away
    alone in this room
    i remeber my maker
    and hope he takes me soon
    as i wither away
    lost and forgotten
    i slowly close my eyes
    hoping i spot him
    my view out the window
    is always the same
    the thoughts in my mind
    move to slow to change
    so the days run togther
    i barely notice the night
    time has stopped moving
    as i breathe in this plight
    ive been here to long
    my tears have dried to my cheeks
    theres no one to talk to
    so i really never speak
    so ill just lay in this bed
    and wither away
    and hope that tomarrow
    will stay forever away

    Submitted on 2005-12-14 08:32:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is such a sad and depressing poem you have here. The story here is very good, yet very sad and I think you have done a good job with it. I would suggest you review the spelling errors and I see the other comments have already mentioned them so I wont go through them again. Your words are what make the poem what it is and if there are errors in spelling it takes away a bit from the overall write. I would also suggest you capitalize the "I" throughout your poem. It really should be capitalized. Other than those things, the story here is very sad and really gets the sympathy of the reader. That is good. It says you are getting through to the reader with what you are saying. Welcome to Elite! Take care.

    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I won't mention the "too"s since someone else has, but yeah ... this is depressing. I feel sorry for the narrator. It'd be so easy to give up and wish for death to take you away if you were just laid up like that.

    My only other correction would be spelling:

    remember as opposed to remeber

    That word must be one of the most commonly mispelled word in the English language.

    Welcome to the site. I look forward to reading more of your work.

    -Cyntia :~)
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Cyntia | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really depressing, but not bad at all. My only real criticism is that most of your 'to's' should be spelled 'too'. Other than that it was pretty good as I said. I liked how you described the blanket wrapped around you reminding you of a coffin. It fit in well with what the poem was about.
    This is how I feel when I get a darn good flu-I wouldn't want to know what this is like when I get older. To just sit and know that you are withering away is so very sad.

    And by the way...WELCOME TO ELITE

    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]

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