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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mirrordots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 870
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 726



    Description:
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    dotsMirrordots
    -------------------------------------------


    On this side of my mirror
    there is a smile
    and a face with shame
    and hair that falls
    she feels lame
    and she has my name


    we look in each others eyes
    and push back tears
    we look and we try to smile
    but it is clear
    that no happiness will remain
    to this girl I see
    that has my name
    that has no chioce but to believe

    that she isn't enough for love
    art is to great for her to touch
    but she paints a heart
    that resembles a blackened lung
    and it is scarred and it is hurt
    it is hers
    it is mine
    and we drew it together
    and cried when it became this way




    Submitted on 2005-12-14 11:03:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      "she feels lame
    and she has my name"

    "but she paints a heart
    that resembles a blackened lung
    and it is scarred and it is hurt
    it is hers
    it is mine
    and we drew it together
    and cried when it became this way"

    These were just a few of my favorite parts in this poem. But the favorite of the favorites is my all time favorite desription "but she paints a heart that resembles a blackened lung". It's just favortism that it's my favorite, lol, sorry, hyper. But seriously, that's one hell of a desription.
    One thing I think could use some immprovement (and I know this is an older poem that you wrote and it probably won't mean much to you, but just bare with me) is the rhyming. Your rhyming started out great at the beggining but to me it faded towards the end. Maybe work on that, I dunno.
    Keep writing.

    Peace....for now or later
    *Toxic*
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      When you were rhyming at the begining, it threw me off a little when you stopped. Besides that, i think it was an excellent poem. It shows self examination. It also makes someone who is reading it look into your "mirror" and see you in it.

    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know if you were rhyming on purpose in that first stanza, but it doesn't work for you. Your poetry is better when you don't rhyme. It gets better after you stop. I like the part with the heart that looks like a blackened lung, or something. Interesting imagery. This computer won't let me copy and paste, so I'm not gonna type it out either.
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      The imagery in this poem is fascinating. You can almost picture the girl gazing into the mirror with a look of sadness on her face. I love it and I love the way it is written. Great job.
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by asianprincess06 | [ Reply to This ]
      this was good. the first stanza just seemed like an introduction then u slowly got sadder and sadder as u continued to look into the mirror. this is pretty sad, when u lose hope just from looking at urself.
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      This had such a genuine saddness and appeal because of that - we all can get insecure and have such an esteem issue.
    Sometimes other people make us feel unworthy but within is where the light shines and you have a gift of expression.
    BE true to yourself.
    Love,Peace,JOY~Feel,Experience,BE!
    tif
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      hey long time hope all is good and i see another great piece of writing from you
    it is funny what we see when we really take along look at who we were and are after 43 years sometimes its frightening when i do it
    lots of skeletons come out to play
    i liked this very well written
    merry christmas to you and yours and all the best in the year that follows
    may i suggest you read memories lane i no you will enjoy
    sandman
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very powerful poem and the imagery is perfect.

    Remmeber there is always room to improve yourself, watch out for words you use to rhyme and make sure they go with your poem and over all feelings.
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Autum-Moon | [ Reply to This ]
      but she paints a heart
    that resembles a blackened lung>>

    This is very good. I loved that. You have real writing potential here. Don't stop writing!

    But from scarred and hurt the poem started to lack emotional power. Maybe be more elusive, and use more poetic metaphors like the one I quoted above.
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by thetwilight | [ Reply to This ]


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