On this side of my mirror
there is a smile
and a face with shame
and hair that falls
she feels lame
and she has my name
we look in each others eyes
and push back tears
we look and we try to smile
but it is clear
that no happiness will remain
to this girl I see
that has my name
that has no chioce but to believe
that she isn't enough for love
art is to great for her to touch
but she paints a heart
that resembles a blackened lung
and it is scarred and it is hurt
it is hers
it is mine
and we drew it together
and cried when it became this way
"but she paints a heart that resembles a blackened lung and it is scarred and it is hurt it is hers it is mine and we drew it together and cried when it became this way"
These were just a few of my favorite parts in this poem. But the favorite of the favorites is my all time favorite desription "but she paints a heart that resembles a blackened lung". It's just favortism that it's my favorite, lol, sorry, hyper. But seriously, that's one hell of a desription. One thing I think could use some immprovement (and I know this is an older poem that you wrote and it probably won't mean much to you, but just bare with me) is the rhyming. Your rhyming started out great at the beggining but to me it faded towards the end. Maybe work on that, I dunno. Keep writing.
When you were rhyming at the begining, it threw me off a little when you stopped. Besides that, i think it was an excellent poem. It shows self examination. It also makes someone who is reading it look into your "mirror" and see you in it.
I don't know if you were rhyming on purpose in that first stanza, but it doesn't work for you. Your poetry is better when you don't rhyme. It gets better after you stop. I like the part with the heart that looks like a blackened lung, or something. Interesting imagery. This computer won't let me copy and paste, so I'm not gonna type it out either.
this was good. the first stanza just seemed like an introduction then u slowly got sadder and sadder as u continued to look into the mirror. this is pretty sad, when u lose hope just from looking at urself.
This had such a genuine saddness and appeal because of that - we all can get insecure and have such an esteem issue. Sometimes other people make us feel unworthy but within is where the light shines and you have a gift of expression. BE true to yourself. Love,Peace,JOY~Feel,Experience,BE! tif
hey long time hope all is good and i see another great piece of writing from you it is funny what we see when we really take along look at who we were and are after 43 years sometimes its frightening when i do it lots of skeletons come out to play i liked this very well written merry christmas to you and yours and all the best in the year that follows may i suggest you read memories lane i no you will enjoy sandman