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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Just to talkdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vastmark
    ASL Info:    29/M/U.K
    Elite Ratio:    6.02 - 225/171/26
    Words: 269
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1101
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1581



    Description:
       This was originaly to be a sonnet, obviously it never made it and only the rhyme sequence survives, but this is what I churned out after alot of rewrites. and with the few comments I got since posting I have edited certain aspects and would appreciate any and all comments.

    Thanks all
    V


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust to talkdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your hair dances, radiates and confuses the way
    It lights a passion within my libidinous being,
    Should I cast this devil out, and demon slay
    Or do I sate the vampire inside me, leering.
    I hang on each movement of your lips
    It beats against my ribs with animal strength
    To come to you virtuous would be my heartfelt wish
    If I took you now how to forgive, how to repent
    I notice the move and shimmer of your every curve
    And fight the nature that coils so dark within
    It is the light thatís present inside me I wish to serve
    To be free, no longer shackled to this dreadful sin
    As I walk closer my skin dances with uncertainty
    As I go to speak, the demon speaks through me.

    Edit 1

    Your hair blazes, radiates and confuses the way
    It lights the passion within my libidinous being,
    Could I cast this devil out, and the demon slay?
    Or must I sate the vampire inside me, leering.
    I hang on each liquid movement of your lips
    It beats against my ribs with feral strength
    To come to you virtuous would be my earnest wish
    If I took you now how to forgive, how to repent
    I notice the movement and shimmer of your every curve
    And fight the nature that coils around, so dark within
    It is the light flaring inside me I wish to serve
    To be free, no longer fettered to this dreadful sin
    As I walk closer my skin burns with uncertainty
    As I move to speak the demon speaks for me.




    Submitted on 2005-12-15 15:41:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good poem. I do like what you did with the revision and it is very interesting that you included both poems here. I like that as it gives me the opportunity to read both of them and compare how you improved on the revision. I think the revision is indeed better. You made only small changes to it, but the word choices are much better. You chose more of fire, such as blazes and burn and such. Perhaps you would consider changing this classification to passion instead of misc. This is really a very passionate, desire, kinda poem. I enjoyed reading this one. Quite the inner struggle! Nice job. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This was well written and gave me a hint of good bumps. I do agree with a prior comment for you... make it longer... I could see it even getting better!


    Monica
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by mon28 | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the intensity of this. It is such a true and wonderful view of the introspections of passion.

    You might want to look at these lines. I think there may be an issue with agreement.

    I hang on each liquid movement of your lips
    It beats against my ribs with feral strength

    each liquid movement = plural
    It beats = singular

    Maybe either

    I hang on each liquid movement of your lips
    that beats against my ribs with feral strength

    or maybe
    I hang on each liquid movement of your lips
    They beat against my ribs with feral strength

    Just thoughts.

    Nice write

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Neatly done, a few of your word choices had me wondering, but overall, the message was well put out.

    Dark and deep, the beast inside that we try to put down keeps rearing it's head.
    I don't know if "sonnet" should be used, its only resemblence is the 14 lines, which is still fine, it tells the story in that space.

    Another great idea Phil, I quite fancied this.

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well lookey what I found. A writer with a knack for the words. This piece was very well put together, and very remenicent of Anne Rice, though, not just because of mention of vampire or demons... the dark sensuality is what gives it that tinge. The only thing that bothered me was:

    As I open to speak the demon speaks for me.>

    It might just be me though.

    This is great work! I will be looking for more of your stuff!
    | Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by thetwilight | [ Reply to This ]
      This is interesting. I like the overall sentiment. I think is a great idea to want to overcome your darker side. I think it sould be a little bit more descriptive, perhaps a little bit longer. It leaves me wondering what happens.
    Briannan
    | Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]


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