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Greater sin (ryhmed version)

Author: silent_death12
Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739 /805 /135
Words: 352
Class/Type: Lyrics /
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Bytes: 2411


rhymed version.
any preference?

Greater sin (ryhmed version)

The girl's dreams died along with her memory,
she vanished amoung the rotting wooden floorboards.
So blinded by blood and tears she couldn't see,
The comedy and tragedy of death's awards.
In her clouded vision fields grew cold,
And secrets lie within misery's grasp...
She's still choking on words half-told.
Here life merely someone else's memory lapse.
The broken home still stands on the street.
But her soul and memory are for no one to touch.
Patiently waiting for someone to free her soul,
She'd never needed anything so much.
The life she believed to have led took it's tole.
Thoughts of what she once had,
To memories of what she never knew,
until such thoughts finally drove her mad,
The memories now all lie so askew.
She cries for her lost happiness,
The love she could never find,
So tired of thinking of this,
Joy remaines to be too blind.
The blood that once ran through her veins,
now lies long since dried upon the wall.
Always enjoyed small burning pains.
Lost her fear early on of any fall.
Lonely cries into the night,
cause no one's by her sides,
growing cold with deep fright,
alone in the house she resides...
Her second thoughts lay in forget-me-nots,
In this fairy tale of her life,
In her very simple last thoughts,
she lived in love with a knife.
But there's no rest in her isolation,
The solitude always shines stronger,
No more need for a confrontation.
and in pain the scar grows longer.
She lived alone and in death that remains,
The sounds of her death unheard,
Through well thought out long refrains,
Dancing to the unspoken word.
In death she left on tragedy,
To move on to a greater sin.
Her life a comical parody.
Another loss from within.
Burn in the water to drown in the fire,
Her death came with 1000 spades,
A burning incense of deep desire,
'another one for the razorblades'
She lived so blindly,
for the razor's embrace.
Never in her right mind,
a life to sad to deface.
(repeat twice...fading second time to whisper)

Submitted on 2005-12-15 19:11:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  alright I got a sick, wicked ass idea do what I said in the last, but also get the voalists from flyleaf and have her sing one of the two, and half the non-rhyimng one song low, and softly under this one, god that would be sick as [censored]! I can't telll you whichn one is better, sorry they just both kick ass!
| Posted on 2006-06-22 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
  Although dark poetry isn't really my taste, I've got to admit this one impressed me. Since there's such a common rhyme scheme, I can still comment on flow even though these are lyrics.

My main criticism would be spacing. Don't worry about length, you should space things out for the reader so that they really listen to each and every word. Your post deserves to be heard.

Apart from that all seemed fine except some bumps with the rhythm. I can see you didn't have trouble with the rhyming which shows you've got talent, but try reading over and actually counting the syllables in every quadrant. Removing some unneccesary words could make all the difference.

| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
I cant explain this but this write really touched me much more then the origanel
Again I saw shades of my own life flash in front of me reading this
This is a very strong write where you really captured a lot of the emotion one goes thru in trying to find there true self
This one is a favorite
God Bless
Your Friend
| Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  i think it's pretty much the same as the other one. it was better though. i liked the rhyming much more than the not rhyming. this one is gonna be another fave. keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
  i like it .. ithink it has good wording and well .. just the problem would be that it is too long .. but overall it is very goood then ... ilove how you describe your life here in this writing ... i hope to hear more from you and i cant wait to the next contest... maybe another topic or free topic?? .. let see,...
peace and love
| Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  "it's comedy and's saint Jimmy and that's my name...AND DON'[T WEAR IT OUT!" I"m guessing that's wear you got the comedy and tradgedy part, huh? lol, see, I can be good at this, too, lol. Well, I really liked this one a lot as well. Very good, and the rhyming seemed to put even more emotion in it. Great write.
| Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
  this was good but you gotta, like all of us herer with our strange language...whatch your spelling...''Aand secrets lie withing misery's grasp...''...''
'vains,''...'''desier,''...but i can see this is a piece meant to be sung so don't worri!

thanks..deep and moving write!
| Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by orpheus | [ Reply to This ]

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