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Mountains erode into anthills
Once hated people hold interesting new thrills
Ideas are like joyrides in the night
Demolishing the dark into manic light
Restraint is excommunicated
But regret is just sedated
This story is without a resolution
It rises and falls in bitter confusion
When the only thing that gets tied is the tongue
The climax has shunned the pain it has brung
Behind it its rising action is a knife serrated
The plot is degraded
"I'm sorry" is a forsaken cliché
"What was I thinking" don’t make it all okay
Personalities split into 2 3 and 4
Morning resurrection will bring even more
They say Jesus was worshipped once resurrected
But this protagonist isn’t even respected
From looking at the ants and feeling empowered
To looking off the peak and feeling devoured
Inevitable stumbling, cascading to the ground
This is what I am, this what I’ve found
Soaring then drowning
In this plotline of life
That is etched in blood as it is experienced
And formulaic in retrospect
| I think this is a very good poem. You have provided the reader with some deep and detailed insight into your life and your thoughts. I really like the word choices you have used throughout this poem. It is very well written and expressed and it very intellectual as a whole. I am impressed with this. I think we all have some sort of issue to deal with in our minds whether it be a disorder or just our own little quirks, nobody is perfect. It is the awareness of yourself and how you are that makes all the difference. You have done a great job at analysing yourself and your knowledge of yourself is very valuable. The only thing I could say to suggest, and it is quite minor, is a comma between 2 3 and 4 so it looks like 2, 3 and 4. It just helps seperate the numbers 2 and 3 more clearly. Otherwise this is really very good. Nice work. Take care.|
|| Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ] || Hi, thought I'd drop a turd on your lawn on my way through the neighborhood. |
Overall, the piece has a pretty clear flow and meaning. Some of the rhymes feel forced, actually most of them do. I say that with all respect, believe me. As I was reading the poem I had to wonder if you were trying to create this piece as a means of convincing someone else how you feel instead of creating it to free the confusion inside yourself. The lines
"Restraint is excommunicated
But regret is just sedated"
speak to me of hopelessness of the worst kind: it seems that you fear your mental state causes people to see you in a bad way, that you feel forced to be someone else when you're around friends and/or family, pushing your real feelings down so far that when you finally feel safe enough to be yourself you can't find them anymore. I sympathize greatly with you, more than I probably sound like I do. My mental state is very much in question with those who know me, as my nickname is Monk. It used to drive me crazy that people would constantly ask me how I was doing, or crack on me about taking my meds or whatever else. But the truth is that even though I'm so different than those around me, I've come to embrace the fact that being so different creates an environment where you're forced to learn who you really are, because no one else can tell you. That fact alone opened my eyes when I was in the gutter, and still does when I'm on the wrong end of a polar swing.
Wow, this comment grew a lot bigger than I meant it to. Sorry about that, just wanted to say that I liked the poem. It pulls on my heart strings, though. I strongly encourage you to continue writing, try to throw as much of you out onto the paper as you can without caring who might see it. The freedom it brings is unequaled.
|| Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by ghostknight | [ Reply to This ] || Love the references in this piece, to jesus, to cliché', etc..|
It at times feels very sexual, very involved, then at others seems as though you are very seperated from the piece..
I am assuming that is what it is like to be bi-polar, although i do not wish to jump to conclusions..
However if that was the intent it worked quite well..
Your usage of words and images shows you have a creative way of expressing yourself with words that i enjoy..
Overall i liked it a lot..
|| Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by k.o.malley | [ Reply to This ] |