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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the hustlerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jbb360
    ASL Info:    22.m.wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 25/36/12
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 670
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1077



    Description:
       something i wrote


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe hustlerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    a man sits alone
    on a corner
    his clothes once nice
    have been beaten and battered
    his face once young and bright
    has become down cast
    and full of anger
    the look of a man punished
    by the world
    his jacket is unzipped
    and his hands in his pockets
    pull it open and closed
    a sign of the nervousness
    and paranoia
    that reals within his mind
    his shoes are scuffed from walking
    and running
    hiding and jumping
    and when he takes his hand out
    a small gold ring
    wraps around his left ring finger
    his hat is pulled low to cover his eyes
    and his face though well groomed
    is not quite clean shaven
    his wife is at home
    watching their child
    waiting nervously for his safe return
    the man rarely smiles untill a stranger approaches
    and with them the prospect
    of food on the table
    then his smile lights up their world
    as he does what he does
    the only thing he knows how to do




    Submitted on 2005-12-16 01:52:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't think I'll ever look at a pan-handler the same way again.

    You have asked for nit-picking details, and I'm good at those, so I'll offer up some suggestions. Use what works, and toss the rest!( My suggestions are in brackets [].)

    [A] man sits alone
    on a [street] corner[.]
    [H]is clothes, once nice
    have been beaten and battered.
    [H]is face, once young and bright
    has become down cast[,]
    and full of anger[;]
    the look of a man punished
    by the world[.]
    [H]is jacket is unzipped
    and his hands[,] [hidden] in[side] his pockets
    pull it open and closed[-]
    a sign of the nervousness
    and paranoia
    that re[e]ls within his mind[.]
    [H]is shoes are scuffed from walking[,]
    and running[,]
    hiding[,] and jumping[.]
    [A]nd when he takes his hand out[,]
    a small gold ring
    wraps around his left ring finger[.]
    [H]his hat is pulled low to cover his eyes
    and his face[,] though well groomed[,]
    is not quite clean shaven[.]
    [H]is wife is at home,
    watching their child,
    waiting nervously for his safe return[.]
    [T]he man rarely smiles untill a stranger approaches;[;]
    and with them the prospect
    of food on the table[.]
    [T]hen his smile lights up their world
    as he does what he does[...]
    [T]he only thing he knows how to do.

    Also, if you could prune out a few of the 'his'-s in this it would read easier.

    ie:

    With jacket unzipped,
    and hands stuffed in the pockets
    he pulls it open and closed...


    Just an idea. I know it would mean reworking it, and it is good as it is. I'm just a bit anal about repetition.

    A very nice piece. I reminder to all of us that the Holiday Season may not be merry and bright for everyone.

    Nice job,

    Chell
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks for rplying so quicklly,,,the only reaaso suggested a change to
    "the man rarely smiles untill a stranger approaches
    and with them the prospect'' is beause ''a straber" is singular and "them" is plural..

    so it doesn't make sense....
    but you are your own man...
    its good to meet you

    luv 'n' respect
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by ertha | [ Reply to This ]
      It's so sad that people have to live this way. You really helped set the stage and made this scene unfold in front of my face with how you described everything.
    The only thing about your writing, is that I'd like to see a couple of them broken up a bit, just once. As the idea takes a different turn or you begin describing another element, it would be nice to see a break once in awhile. Either way, you wrote another great piece. Your characters have an immense amount of emotion and you do a terrific job of drawing me into your writings. Great job!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is very good. You have captured the essence of this man with your words. You give wonderful descriptions which really allow the reader to visualize what you are saying. I could see the image of this man in my mind as I read this poem. This is kinda sad, that he must live this way and do what he does just to support his family. But, a reality for some people and you have captured this well with this poem. Very well done. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      
    -------------------------------------------
    Firstly I must say this is a powerful and sympathetic portrait
    I have some suggestions for improving it

    first it needs some line breaks where the subject changes


    a man sits alone
    on a corner
    his clothes once nice
    have been beaten and battered
    his face once young and bright
    has become down cast
    and full of anger
    the look of a man punished
    by the world

    his jacket is unzipped
    and his hands in his pockets
    pull it open and closed
    a sign of the nervousness
    and paranoia
    that reals within his mind

    his shoes are scuffed from walking
    and running
    hiding and jumping
    and when he takes his hand out
    a small gold ring
    wraps around his left ring finger
    his hat is pulled low to cover his eyes
    and his face though well groomed
    is not quite clean shaven

    his wife is at home
    watching their child
    waiting nervously for his safe return
    the man rarely smiles untill a stranger approaches
    and with them the prospect
    of food on the table
    then his smile lights up their world
    as he does what he does
    the only thing he knows how to do

    These are my other suggestions/ hope you like them
    and can see the reasons for them


    his clothes once nice
    how about
    his clothes once new

    that reals within his mind
    should be
    that reels within his mind


    and when he takes his hand out
    a small gold ring
    wraps around his left ring finger
    his hat is pulled low to cover his eyes

    'this is hard to follow because you talk about pockets so many lines before

    how about

    he pulls his hat low to cover his eyes
    revealing a small gold ring
    on his left hand


    'and his face though well groomed
    is not quite clean shaven'
    this doesn't add much ..it needs to be clearer or cut out


    the man rarely smiles untill a stranger approaches
    and with them the prospect
    how about

    the man rarely smiles until a stranger approaches
    and with him the prospect

    bye for now E
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by ertha | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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