Description: yes i know there are a loooot of errors. such as 'donging' but i can't think of the propper word to put in its place so it most likely will stay that way heh.
ok this poem is about the nightmares i have. I had a really bad one once were i almost died while the thing was raping me. I was completly paralyzed, the thing on top of me had my wrists and its hands clutching my throat. Every time i cried for help it tightend its grip on my neck.
the glossy gloom was the thing on top of me. It was sort of like i could see it, it was clowdey, almost clear, it had horns. Meh i remember the more i couldn't breathe the more i saw its eyes. But yeah as i stoped breathing there was a white light coming from my sealing and the beast on me scrame, a sharp bell chimed in my ears and i woke, still seeing the light and hearing the bell.
Great job on this. It's got a haunting subltle sweetness to it. If that even makes sense lol.
But it's original, which is a little rare now adays. I loved the last stanza, it was a glorious ending, it fit right in.
I'd only suggest going back again in like two weeks or something and revising it, it could be alot better, even if I love it now. Just a suggestion, I do it often...
I think dreams are very hard to get across to an audience because they really are very personal, and what the writer may concieve to be an acurate retelling isn't necesarily going to come across to the reader with the intended tone or make any sense. I can say however, that I would not like to have this one.
As with your dilema 'tolls' or 'chiming' (which you used in your description) are as good as any words to describe a bell ringing 'knell' is also pretty cool.
Whoa. Dark and gloomy. I'm just trying to make the connection of the church bell ringing with the dark side and the incubus' breath. The church is supposed to be something holy, while the incubus' is a demon that usually makes itself into human form and seduces men and I think it kills them. Why is the incubus breathing on you and choking you? Why the church bell? Are you trying to say that religion has no power over evil? What sound left you crippled in sleep? I would like to know why you wrote this one and what inspired you to do so.
Submission Name: Sweet sleep
