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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Keyhole Thoughtsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Halston
    ASL Info:    20/female/carlsbad,ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 72/71/30
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Misc/Depressed
    Total Views: 1169
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 867



    Description:
       Written at 14.





    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKeyhole Thoughtsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Laying paralyzed
    I wish to see your face
    your smile decorated with dimples
    you skin smooth like lace.
    There is a car accident in my mind,
    We're goners I realize.

    Your favorite song plays
    I can even here you're voice
    "strawberry feilds forever"
    Metalic and thick,
    I'm starting to taste the noise

    Looking through a keyhole
    My thoughts are comatose
    What a waste of time your mind was
    I wanted your heart the most.
    Bright lights put me in a trance,
    I'm not sure I will see again.

    I will not miss this place
    It was a waste of good fortune
    I want to go out young and un-happy.
    Losing color in the face,
    your so goddamn right
    And I know not what you mean.




    Submitted on 2005-12-16 11:02:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ooooo you mixed senses this time. tasting noise. wow. great. this is what i know and love about you halston, your ability to write.
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Itzmeemiflee | [ Reply to This ]
      "I'm starting to taste the noise" this was my favorite line here...so much description. The whole thing was REALLY REALLY good...I loved it! there was alot of detail and it was undoubtadly original...intresting thought processing here it really got me thinking. can't say that I've overdosed...not yet anyway but I liked this and I could relate enough...plus i understood your point which is what's important usually to hte writer. This was brilliant and I must tell you this is a favorites addition. you have alot of talent.
    peace
    ~silent tears cried in blood ink
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      "car accident in my mind" that is a very new and interesting idea. I like that, new ideas get my attention, good or bad, and this was definetly good. It was very descriptive and gave your readers a picture in their mind (kindergarten words, I know) which really made your poem that much more memerable.

    The emotion behind it was brilliant and I could feel it, wonderful job. Great poem, and keep it up.

    -Miss M.
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
      This one is really deep
    I have overdosed many times in my wacky and wild Life before I refound God
    This write really came from the Heart
    The Only thing I would change and this is Only my opinion Is the word G D
    It would sound so much better with just Damn
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to say, for 14 years old, you have an amazing talent I didn't acquire until recently. "I'm starting to taste the noise"- This is a poetic technique called synesthesia when miss match senes with sensors.
    I also like the ending.
    The line "my thoughts are gross" doesn't really fit for me. It's too general. What are your thoughts? What do you see? Rather than telling us your thoughts are gross show us. It also occurred to me that maybe you mean gross as in a large mass which is awkward and unnatural. Maybe because you are rhyming you are getting backed into corners. Try free verse. It's where it's at.
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by AngelintheRain | [ Reply to This ]
      "car accident in my mind" that is an orginal way to express your emotions...your thoughts feel as jumbled as the twisted metal...emotional over load like that of a smoking engine...I liked this...Though it made me think why at the young age of 14 would death be a sweeter reality than life...but those are your demons I suppose...

    This write was not only wonderfully written it also contained some lines in here that just made the visual that much more vivid for your reader...

    "I'm starting to taste the noise.
    I'm sick from the flavor."

    Loved those lines!

    Tina
    Elite's Ghetto Ballerina...
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]


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