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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: her on medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jbb360
    ASL Info:    22.m.wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 25/36/12
    Words: 252
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 851
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1507



    Description:
       this is written from my ex's perspective about a conversation we had. its much more than just like some poem i wrote but i actually tried to step into her shoes and be her. the language she would use, the thoughts she would have, and how she would convey theym. i sorta want to make that clear. im not trying to write as me and so not everything is how i would want it. its much more important that that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsher on medots
    -------------------------------------------


    as i heard his words
    my ears rang with pain
    the past was gone so quickly
    we'd never be the same
    my love turned to hate
    and my patience to grief
    as i sat on the phone
    in utter disbelief
    at first i thought it was a joke
    but hes not quite that cruel
    and i know its the truth
    id been played for the fool
    all of the fighting
    should have been my first warning
    the empty space in the bed
    when i woke up in the morning
    he said he wanted to go
    but i demanded he stay
    i was use(d) to his body
    at the start of every day
    i was used to his word
    before i went to bed
    i was used to my hands
    rubbing on his head
    i was used to making breakfast
    the start of every morning
    i was used to his touch
    every time i was horny
    i was used to his kisses
    when i was feeling down
    but after his words today
    all of thats gone now
    tears rolled off my cheeks
    and speckeled my shirt
    my breath wasent coming
    and all of me hurt
    my stomach was in knots
    i thought i was going to hurl
    with a few simple words
    he destroyed my whole world
    my life wont be the same
    i need time away
    to decide what we'll do
    i cant decide today
    so leave me alone
    till i call you again
    right now were nothing
    not lovers not friends




    Submitted on 2005-12-16 12:41:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      yeah! i love this .. your structure is ok and you express your ideas really well.. but ... your wording can be improved i mean .. maybe iyt is so simple.. but overalll i think it is a very good writing ! i like this part of the writing:

    "i was used to his word
    before i went to bed
    i was used to my hands
    rubbing on his head
    i was used to making breakfast
    the start of every morning
    i was used to his touch
    every time i was horny
    i was used to his kisses
    when i was feeling down!"

    it has happened to every person in the world that get use to a person and when she or he is gone .. well the world your world seems to die ... so i hope you get better and hope you get another world to live in ... (i am talking metaphically )

    peace and love!
    victor!
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm, the idea was good, but it was lacking in a few key ways... Your word usage was kinda basic and there wasn't anything that I haven't heard before... The only thing I really enjoyed was the ending because I know I've been at that "We are nothing at all anymore" stage... It wasn't bad, but it could've definitely been better... If you give it some work and maybe bust out the thesaurus, you could turn this piece into something to really be proud of, but it's your poem, so you choose what you want to do in the end
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I can't say anything was unexpected-- though I do agree with sarah that the ending is good--but even as a peom I've certainly read before It still touched me as something I wouldn't wan't to go through again.
    For starters let's CAPITALIZE our i's and in places like "id been played for the fool" we'll put I'd. It all seems rather rushed, as though you just broke up with someone and quickly wrote this poem. Was this the case? Or were you going for this effect? Or perhaps you've just spent too much time on chating online? In any case...

    "i was use to his body" -Probably intended to be 'used'.

    "tears rolled of my cheeks" Should be 'off'.

    You have successfully shown that the two of you did everything together and he threw it all away not even providing a reason. If that is what has happened to you, I'm sure many others on this site as well as me can understand what it's like to have your love and your world taken from you.
    Mimosa
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Mimosa | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, good idea and all but iv got a couple points...
    the line 'at the start of every day' doesnt flow that well, amybe each, instead of every would work better
    when you said 'as i sat on the phone' it sounds so odd. i just got an image of someone literally seated on top of a phone...maybe im just too immature or something but i can't be the most immaturre on this site so maybe think about changing it cause im sure other's will be just a confused/amused by it.
    i think the line 'i thought i was going to hurl' has too many syllables but its not really a problem im just in a [censored] of a mood and taking it out on you cause you said you wanted nitpicking detail on this one... sorry
    on a more positive side, great ending!sarahxxx
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by _ybutterfly | [ Reply to This ]
      It takes a big person to look at things from the other perspective like this. It shows some compassion there my dear!

    You did another fantabulous job pulling me in and making me feel for the person in your poem. My criticism would be the same as it always is, so we don't need to keep beating that dead horse now, do we? lol
    Your style is fine with me and I will continue to read your work, because you really are good at creating a good story and giving life to all of these people you've been telling us about. You do what feels good to you and if you ever feel like revising, then good for you! We're all just here to offer some helpful advice and become better writers all the way around!
    Take it easy!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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