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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: For Travis Jamesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tears of Azrael
    ASL Info:    14/F/Lost
    Elite Ratio:    5.47 - 107/102/25
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 679
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 543



    Description:
       The title is pretty self-explanatory..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFor Travis Jamesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the morn, thrice and twice a string,
    Among the masses, laughter, and screaming,
    Where aptitude and acumen brings
    To your eyes, a clouded seeming.

    A swarming exodus, amidst the people,
    Yet there you stand, stoic and tall.
    I must admit, not even the highest steeple
    Could tear my eyes from your poised drawl.

    Silken strands that hide a grey
    Veiled beneath a fragrance of green,
    An eternal glance that haunts today,
    Like a picture in a dream.




    Submitted on 2005-12-16 20:39:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This piece struck me for what I think to be really well-worded rhyming - it doesn't sound forced at all. Your use of alliteration is focused and effective in producing great sonics.

    Only one line (in my opinion) seemed to have a stilted rhythm in relation to the timing of your other lines -
    'Could tear my eyes from your poised drawl.'
    - perhaps it's the word 'poised' that throws it off for me. Deleting 'poised' or perhaps substituting another word with two or three syllables could tighten up this line better.

    But as I've said, it's just my opinion. So, have you shown this to Travis or are you a silent admirer from the shadows?

    Nice piece. Lovely emotive cadence and well-chosen words.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Once again a lyrical image that juxtaposes youth and experience in a single image (green and grey inhabiting the same space?). You seem captivated by this person in a very spiritual way, as if he were the avatar of perfection and beauty in your eyes. Your vocabulary is both precise and interesting, generally because you've summed up your emotions/observations so economically (without explaining too much of yourself in the process). Once again, nicely done. Keep posting. Bill.
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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