Description: title came from Sin City, yes i know im a loser for that movie
Always And Never -------------------------------------------
I wish to hold her and tell her its allright
Suffering alone, torment of the night
So far away, a sickness of my soul
I wish to see her face, to love her and console
She lives so far away
Yet still unto this day
We never got to say
What we know to true
Never face to face
If we never meet through cruel twist of fate
If I go my entire life, and never see her face
I'll always think of her and hold her dear and close
I never wish to hurt her, but just to make the most
Of our lives together
Our time is short, the hours few
By the heavens above
I'll truly think of you
She is the symbol of my affection
She defines my deepest desires
To my dearest
I shall always love you
Could you tell me whether the first stanza has been modified ... coz I don't know ... now that I just went through the whole poem again I happen to think that this given stanza sounds quite well ... er... maybe it' got to do with the fact that I've read the poem quite a few times thus the effect that this caused on me this time was different. Anyways, as I told you it definitely sounds better than last night. Later, Ethan.
Quite straightforward, maybe too direct... everything is there you know? Nothing is hidden... As far as I noticed. One thing you could do is to conceal some elements here and there, so to speak. Also you could use more powerful vocabulary to create a sharper effect if that suits you.
One thing I liked about it though was line 6 "So far away, a sickness of my soul" It reminds of some stuff written by Edgar Allan Poe. I reckon it's a very effective line that should in a way serve as an example for subsequent lines. However, then I stumbled across the first line in stanza 4 and I have to tell you that the expression, namely the fate remark you make, walks dangerously through a clique path.
Then almost at the end, I mean at the end of stanza five I could in a way relate that part to an Elvis Costello's song called "She" which I liked ... (Meaning that precise part of you poem and the song itself for that matter) and was somehow inspiring ... have you heard the song by the way??? ...
I hope you don't take this the wrong way... I'm just giving you my personal appreciation ... take care and good luck.