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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Always And Neverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Metal Heart74
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 72/61/17
    Words: 158
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 997
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 959



    Description:
       title came from Sin City, yes i know im a loser for that movie


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAlways And Neverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wish to hold her and tell her its allright
    Suffering alone, torment of the night
    So far away, a sickness of my soul
    I wish to see her face, to love her and console
    Always

    She lives so far away
    Yet still unto this day
    We never got to say
    What we know to true
    Never
    Never face to face

    If we never meet through cruel twist of fate
    If I go my entire life, and never see her face
    I'll always think of her and hold her dear and close
    I never wish to hurt her, but just to make the most
    Of our lives together
    Always...
    and never

    Our time is short, the hours few
    By the heavens above
    I'll truly think of you

    She is the symbol of my affection
    She defines my deepest desires

    Always...
    and never
    To my dearest
    I shall always love you




    Submitted on 2005-12-16 21:30:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think you are too hard on yourself. If she ever read this, i'm sure she was more than pleased with your efforts.

    The only thing I'd say is there was one part that didn't flow so easy as the rest of it..


    Our time is short, the hours few
    By the heavens above
    I'll truly think of you

    maybe something like:

    Our time is short; the hours but few
    I swear by the heavens
    I'll be thinking of you.

    might work a little better. maybe not. just a suggestion. anyway, i'm sure she loved the poem.

    welcome back
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      Could you tell me whether the first stanza has been modified ... coz I don't know ... now that I just went through the whole poem again I happen to think that this given stanza sounds quite well ... er... maybe it' got to do with the fact that I've read the poem quite a few times thus the effect that this caused on me this time was different. Anyways, as I told you it definitely sounds better than last night.
    Later,
    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      

    Quite straightforward, maybe too direct... everything is there you know? Nothing is hidden... As far as I noticed. One thing you could do is to conceal some elements here and there, so to speak. Also you could use more powerful vocabulary to create a sharper effect if that suits you.

    One thing I liked about it though was line 6 "So far away, a sickness of my soul" It reminds of some stuff written by Edgar Allan Poe. I reckon it's a very effective line that should in a way serve as an example for subsequent lines. However, then I stumbled across the first line in stanza 4 and I have to tell you that the expression, namely the fate remark you make, walks dangerously through a clique path.

    Then almost at the end, I mean at the end of stanza five I could in a way relate that part to an Elvis Costello's song called "She" which I liked ... (Meaning that precise part of you poem and the song itself for that matter) and was somehow inspiring ... have you heard the song by the way??? ...

    I hope you don't take this the wrong way... I'm just giving you my personal appreciation ... take care and good luck.
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      Matt, first, you have never hurt me. Some people just dont understand words.

    This was beautiful.. it touched me more then I can tell you.
    It was sad, always & never.
    It was happy though, like forever will come but only when its all over.

    I dont know, I am so touched though...
    I wish I could tell you more...

    thank you
    ~jenn
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]


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    84749

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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