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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Changed???dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: longwinterdays
    ASL Info:    21/F/WA
    Elite Ratio:    4.99 - 204/190/64
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1155
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 531



    Description:
       I don't quite know what this is. I feel an angst that i have never felt to this extent..just started writing...sorry


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChanged???dots
    -------------------------------------------


    laughter heard...dry and harsh
    smiles seen...fake and ugly
    Heart touched...unchanged and guilty

    Dreams heard...amazing and doubtful
    Tears seen...hurt and admiration
    Heart touched...unchanged and painful

    Your voice heard...soft and loving
    Your face seen...handsome and true
    My life touched...changed and whole

    Your song heard...yielding and submissive
    your love seen...true and honest
    My life touched...changed and bettered




    Submitted on 2005-12-16 23:24:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i dont see why you say your not very good, i really love all these so far its really good..
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by smurf1433 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I can see how Lame's idea could work, however I personally think it works well as it is. You work with 'heard', 'seen' and 'touched' throughout the whole thing, and it makes the words stand out. Sure it's repitition, that you are lucky to get away with (because apperantly many readers don't like repitition) but I think that it is also what makes it good. It grabs the readers attention and emotion through three of the well known senses...
    You said you wrote this in angst, but in all honesty it seemed to me more like you wrote it for love or admiration of someone. The way life can be going so wrong, and one person comes and changes everything, mostly *if not all for the better. I think it sounds more sweet than angry...
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey what's shakin-I personally think that if ya lost the
    your songheard
    your love seen..
    My life touched.
    it might be better

    laughter..dry and harsh
    smiles ...fake and ugly
    Heart ...unchanged and guilty

    Dreams ..amazing and doubtful
    Tears ..hurt and admiration
    Heart...unchanged and painful

    Your voice ...soft and loving
    Your face .handsome and true
    My life...changed and whole

    Your song ...yielding and submissive
    your love ...true and honest
    My life ...changed and bettered

    anyway--just an idea but what do I know....I feel ya here--sounds like someone has been thinkling about someone tonite..lol
    lamemansterms
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      it was a good peice not to complex but obviously full of emotion which is really what poetry is all aboutl. even if its no the best poem ever if it helps you understand and deal with your feelings thats the most important part. i enjoyed it my self even if im not quite sure what it was about. i hope it helped with the angst.
    -jon
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by jbb360 | [ Reply to This ]


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