Changed??? by longwinterdays

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Submission Name: Changed??? dots

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Author:	longwinterdays
ASL Info:	18/f/wa
Elite Ratio:	4.75 - 182/174/51
Words:	58

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	193
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	531

Description:
I don't quite know what this is. I feel an angst that i have never felt to this extent..just started writing...sorry

Changed??? dots

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laughter heard...dry and harsh
smiles seen...fake and ugly
Heart touched...unchanged and guilty

Dreams heard...amazing and doubtful
Tears seen...hurt and admiration
Heart touched...unchanged and painful

Your voice heard...soft and loving
Your face seen...handsome and true
My life touched...changed and whole

Your song heard...yielding and submissive
your love seen...true and honest
My life touched...changed and bettered

Submitted on 2005-12-16 23:24:42 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i dont see why you say your not very good, i really love all these so far its really good..
| Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by smurf1433 | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I can see how Lame's idea could work, however I personally think it works well as it is. You work with 'heard', 'seen' and 'touched' throughout the whole thing, and it makes the words stand out. Sure it's repitition, that you are lucky to get away with (because apperantly many readers don't like repitition) but I think that it is also what makes it good. It grabs the readers attention and emotion through three of the well known senses...
You said you wrote this in angst, but in all honesty it seemed to me more like you wrote it for love or admiration of someone. The way life can be going so wrong, and one person comes and changes everything, mostly *if not all for the better. I think it sounds more sweet than angry...
| Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey what's shakin-I personally think that if ya lost the
your songheard
your love seen..
My life touched.
it might be better

laughter..dry and harsh
smiles ...fake and ugly
Heart ...unchanged and guilty

Dreams ..amazing and doubtful
Tears ..hurt and admiration
Heart...unchanged and painful

Your voice ...soft and loving
Your face .handsome and true
My life...changed and whole

Your song ...yielding and submissive
your love ...true and honest
My life ...changed and bettered

anyway--just an idea but what do I know....I feel ya here--sounds like someone has been thinkling about someone tonite..lol
lamemansterms
| Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
  it was a good peice not to complex but obviously full of emotion which is really what poetry is all aboutl. even if its no the best poem ever if it helps you understand and deal with your feelings thats the most important part. i enjoyed it my self even if im not quite sure what it was about. i hope it helped with the angst.
-jon
| Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by jbb360 | [ Reply to This ]

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