Description: This is very much the first draft of this piece, and I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with it, so I'd like some serious feedback and a breakdown of what you think I can do to improve. I hope you enjoy it...
NOTE: Title changed based upon popular comment. If you would be so kind when you comment as to let me know whether or not you think that this title better works with the piece, that would be great. (FYI, the original title was Director's Cut)
In the Blink of an Eye -------------------------------------------
Watching in silence as days fly by
Memories created and past
Of no great importance to anyone
Weeks later, looking back to say
"Where was I?"
Gone...
Sitting in the director's chair
With faded, peeling letters
I watch as my life passes by
Discovering no possible place to yell
"Cut!"
And jump back in
Drowning in that pool of lost opportunities
Starting only as a teardrop
But growing into the deep end of a swimming hole
Floundering to the surface enough to call
"Hel me!"
But there is no one...
Hi The title change fits very well with what you are saying To me it seems like you were expressing how lifes chances fade in the blink of an eye and we have to take chances to move forward Perfectly written God Bless Your Friend Ron
This is an interesting write I wouldnt change anything to the poem itself But I would consider changing the title Because this write is much more deeper than a directors cut Maybe something like Silence Is Golden God Bless Ron By the way are you anywhere near Redondo Beach If so Id like to invite you to one of my readings Take Care Ron
Ok here's an idea you can play around with. The director is the one making the movie. He chooses what happens next. You could try that OR play the angle of you are the director but you have no control. I would forget about the fading letters, I don't see anywhere you could go with that. And I would also think about comparing your life to a movie. It just presents what looks like a corner you'll jsut end up working yourself into. Also the last stanza, sorry to be blunt, but I would just drop that. My opinion - Work on my first suggestion. You are the director with no ontrol, no one will listen to you things like that. Hope I helped. Metal Heart74
id start with the title. i dont think it fits the piece because the directors chair is such a small part of it. plus it feels like it needs some kind of resolution or closure...and if your really in the chair then you have to have closure. and open ended work is only so good. but then again that sort of conflicts with the feelings of continued expansion. seems like maybe theres something in your life that needs closure that could inspire proper closure for this piece. but over all i enjoyed it even though it sort of reads slowly. thats not bad...just slow:P. keep rocking! -jon
I will say this like they said it on boys in the hood: this poetry got more cakes than Duncan Hines I LOVE YOUR WRITTING! It's crafty. I think you should continue to post things on here forever. I look forward to reading more of your works. You have a natural talent. Keep up the good work. Thank you for blessing me with the presence of your passion whick lies within your writting.
Hmmm...comparing life to the director's chair. Is that right? If so I'll be interested to read more, but yeah I would advise that you go back and keep working at this piece. I can't really give much advice, it seems the best advice yuo can get for this would have to come from you. I really wish I could give more advice but right now I am stumped. I'll look it over later, just to see if something comes up. But this does seem like a cool subject,I'll be curious to read more. Metal Heart74
Submission Name: In the Blink of an Eye
