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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Seasoned lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vastmark
    ASL Info:    29/M/U.K
    Elite Ratio:    6.02 - 225/171/26
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1106
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 781



    Description:
       We've had our ups and downs, but we're still here......So far!

    I went with a refrain here, not sure if it works to well. It could maybe altered subtly each time. It's what I sign my cards with so it has special meaning to me. Speak freely.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeasoned lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    There are memories here
    In the iridescent light,
    Of love and desire
    Of Jealousy and spite.

    I remain, forever yours.

    Words echo forever here
    In this emptiest of nights
    Friendship among settling dust,
    Antagonism in glossy white.

    I remain, forever yours.

    Events that took place here
    ‘neath that moons heavenly flight
    Tangled under sheets of lust,
    Reticence that follows the fight.

    I remain, forever yours.

    And upon your return to me here
    When we share again the light
    Once we have laughed and fussed
    Simply holding each other tight
    uttering “Forever yours”

    All will be just right.




    Submitted on 2005-12-17 17:26:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      also i think that the refrain is a nice touch!
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      this is one of the most simply beautiful and romantic pieces i have ever read about love.
    i love it i love it i love it i love it!!!!
    alright, now that i am done with my little explosion, lets get down to business:

    There are memories here
    In the iridescent light,
    Of love and desire
    Of Jealousy and spite.

    I remain, forever yours.
    --
    I liked this stanza for the most part however i felt that "irridescent light" doesnt quite fit the feel of the rest of it.....


    Words echo forever here
    In this emptiest of nights
    Friendship among settling dust,
    Antagonism in glossy white.

    I remain, forever yours.
    --
    I love the way this sounded in my head, so cool and calm, almost distant, but distant in the way that you have fought it and felt it and lived it and analyzed it to death and now it is no longer that important, it just is, it exists and it can't be abandoned, but it no longer controls you.


    Events that took place here
    ‘neath that moons heavenly flight
    Tangled under sheets of lust,
    Reticence that follows the fight.

    I remain, forever yours.
    --
    wistful, reminiscent, almost regretful?


    And upon your return to me here
    When we share again the light
    Once we have laughed and fussed
    Simply holding each other tight
    uttering “Forever yours”

    All will be just right.
    --
    content, more than anything, sweet and lovely.

    I didnt see many grammatical errors, there were a couple like capitalization that were probobly just typos.

    this was really nifty
    xoxo
    | Posted on 2007-05-23 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      The refrains don't hurt this piece one bit... they seem to be a wavelength for a message that never stops flowing... I feel that they actually carry the write and are almost stronger than the stanzas... 'I remain, forever yours' could be a submission of its own. Not so sure the kids would go for it though... thay may not understand and will beat you up for beginnings and ends... I haven't yet written anything with refrains, although I have written on the pains of being apart, and the endurance, and the reunion... this piece works for me, and I wouldn't change a thing
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a creative and unusual piece. The Emptiness ones feels when separated from a love and the healing when love returns is well captured in this write!

    really good write!

    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece. It shows that love remains (and becomes stronger), even through the fights and arguments. The many emotions that come from two people living and loving together.. Love conquers all.

    I like the title. Love surely has it's seasons of ups and downs. But to trust that it will remain (as you've implied here).. is a wonderful gift.
    I like your use of words, such as.. "iridescent" and "reticence". They fit so well in what you're saying.

    Nice work! I very much enjoyed.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      *swoons*
    I simply MUST show this to my boyfriend. He shares appreciation for poetry as much as I do, and I 'm sure he would love this.
    This is BEAUTIFUL! When you mean that you sign your letters with this, does it mean the "I remain, forever yours" section? That is so beautiful! Excellent write, wonderful wording, absolutely nothing to say in ways of improvement from moi!
    Oh, by the way, though wewak11 says that the refrain is just "ok" I think they are wonderful. I did not get distracted a bit.
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      Jeez Phil, I hope you realize my opinions are onlt that - MY opinions, I don't bloody know much.

    I think the refrain is ok, but to make it work the stanzas need to be a tad longer, to slow the whole thing down. The way it is, the reader misses a lot of what you're saying because the eyes naturally drop to the refrain line...like speed reading.

    I'm gunna play with this, I'll get back to ya

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well..it's a wonderful thing when two people can go through ups and downs and come out on top...come out still in love. When you can have memories that are good and ones that are bad...and still want to be "forever yours" to that person, it's an amazing thing. I loved your poem..I loved the message...of love is not always a bed of roses...but when you're truly in love, when that person is in your arms..everything is alright. Great write. ~hailie~
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was a very creative piece and the sentiment rang true. I liked the refrains, they fit in quite well. I think your male view of your love for your partner was mixed well with sensitivity. All in all a very well concieved piece and an enjoyable read. Thanks! Diamond Dan
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]


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