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    dots Submission Name: Hiddendots

    Author: IndependentGirl
    ASL Info:    17, newyork.
    Elite Ratio:    2.21 - 29/34/21
    Words: 41
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 863
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 245


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Behind these eyes are a hidden smile.
    I want to be happy,
    but my life it is so out of control .
    I need somebody who understands me,
    Some one who care's and loves me.
    I'm heartless, and alone.

    Submitted on 2005-12-17 17:42:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      That doesn't sound like it's coming from a heartless person at all. Heartless people don't need happiness, control, or love.
    Ohhh... unless you mean you don't have someone ELSE'S heart... then that changes everything. But I still like it, no matter what you're going for.

    I love when poems are short, but manage to say a lot... and yours definitely did.

    Good stuff.

    | Posted on 2007-10-15 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]
      As far as gramar is concerned "exsplict" is not spelled correctly, it has strong language and good emotion, however it could be more clear, for example i do not fully understand the last sentence.
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by Big J | [ Reply to This ]
      Grammar wise: through instead of threw, spostrophe in I'm and none in cares or ways. somebody should be one word. Perhaps put a semicolon after heartless. Overwhelmed should also be one word. explicit. somewhere.
    This writing isn't bad... however it is just really random. First it seems that there is noone. Then "I need you, you need me" makes me think that there is someone. Then it goes back to the cry for love. I like the crying out thing. I used to feel that way all the time... I just didn't have a way to say it. But that last line "I loved You" just hanging there... that's the most powerful line in the writing.
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by Splent | [ Reply to This ]

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