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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Forgotten Strangersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: tmullins
    ASL Info:    37/F/Mo
    Elite Ratio:    4.5 - 127/149/41
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Society
    Total Views: 631
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 876



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForgotten Strangersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    They walk alone in this world.
    Through this strange place.
    An unknown person.
    A forgotten face,

    The time goes by at a slower pace.
    People don't see through this world.
    All the lonely people.
    All the discouraged.

    A sad lonely person
    filled with resentment and rage.
    One day soon,
    to fill the same stage.

    Life has given this person
    bad days, and it's hard
    to see through the haze.
    The world walks in circles today.

    The people go in circles.
    Day after day.
    Always doing the same thing.
    Going ths same way.

    Get a job.
    Go to work.
    Work too hard.
    Then you die.

    In between,
    all these people
    laugh, love, and cry.
    Always to reason why.




    Submitted on 2005-12-17 20:17:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Sorry this isn't going to be a great critique.
    I can see the emotion you tried to convey in this piece, however, as i was reading it seemed to get dull and i found myself becoming rather distracted from the piece, i don't know if it's because i've been reading on this site for an hour or so and this piece doesn't quite match the calibre of the other pieces i've read or whether i am interpreting the piece wrong and the emotion i think you are writting about isn't the one you are trying to convey. Either way i suggest you take this and re-write bits and pieces to grip the reader more.
    Sorry for being so negitive, i hate leaving horrid critiques but there's no point leaving one if it isn't honest.
    Danny
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]
      Somehow you've expressed some of the same sentiments and raised similar questions as those of an ancient Beatles tune called 'Eleanor Rigby' ('all the lonely people, where do they all belong?'). I have to concur with the previous post that this does need some work in order to flesh out certain stanzas, but the idea is relevant and deserves to be heard. Don't give up on this post, keep writing. Bill.
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      The sentiments should move me, but they don’t. Why? Because your points are not made with consistent language. The wanderings of meaning would be fine if they formed a mosaic, but they don’t do that either. “THEY walk alone...AN unknown...A forgotten” They change of number would be fine if you had several examples like the 3rd and 4th lines. “...time goes by at a slower pace.” Slower than what? “One day soon, to fill the same stage.” Which stage, and the same as what? Is this someone different than the one in L3 & L4? S5: The people go in circles...Always doing the same thing” This seems redundant.
    I’m not trying to be hard on you – quite the contrary. I don’t want to discourage you, because you have a worthy idea hear, and worthy single thoughts. They just need to be gelled together to form something more consistent. You need to attend to the meaning and words of each and every line, and make certain they relate to the single picture you wish to paint.
    fred
    | Posted on 2005-12-17 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]


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