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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dinner for Onedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: tmullins
    ASL Info:    37/F/Mo
    Elite Ratio:    4.5 - 127/149/41
    Words: 50
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 909
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 343



    Description:
       I tried to write one without using, I, he, she, me, you, or we. I want to add more, but it gone for the moment.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDinner for Onedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Wine on the table.
    Roses on the floor.
    There for a moment,
    then ran out the door.

    Cd still playing,
    again, songs of love.
    Meant for an evening,
    all women dream of.

    Chair remains empty,
    the wine is now gone.
    Pain is subsiding.
    His clothes on the lawn.




    Submitted on 2005-12-18 14:26:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My, you've had a multitude of feedback on this write (most likely because it possesses a charming simplicity that's as biting as acid for those of us who've suffered through 'dinner for two' minus one). Sounds as if the man was 'ejected' ,with all his possessions, like a cannon shot, leaving only the residue of lost love in his wake. I'd consider lengthening it if the muse returns, otherwise, it's fine as it is. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      This was writhing with passion that you sent so honestly coursing through my veins. It's simplicity is what makes this piece beautiful. Such an admiral aspiration to exclude such common use of words, it made the style so mcuh more sincere.

    ~in the end will there be a silent denial of all that has taken place?~weepingprophet
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by weepingprophet | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked it very much. simple but touching. i really enjoyed the second stanza. it totally sets the mood for the rest of the poem, and i would love it if you added more. if you do let me know so i can read it!
    -jon
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by jbb360 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this
    I know you had to think deep to write a poem without those words
    I find this very creative
    Very nicely written
    Your Friend
    Ron
    And Thank You for the comments on a Mother to Her Child
    I very much appreciate what you said
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      How sad this is, but happens much too often. They get cold feet. These are the guys that stay bachlors
    forever. The idea of commitment frightens them so much they run.
    Personally, I can't stand a runner. Stay and say what you have to say, then if it is necessary; turn and go.
    This would make all said and done, with no one missing out on "WHAT HAPPENED?" Relationship is severed, and all loose lines are tied.
    I am quite impressed by your exact meter and syllable count in each stanza, each line counted five syllables each stanza totaled 20 syllables. Three stanzas with a total of four lines in each stanza.
    Great job, T, you did well. I would love to see some added on to this, perhaps you will after you think about it for a while, then test.
    Outstanding job on not using I, me, he, she, you or we. It easier said than done isn't it T?
    God bless,
    Yvonne
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by dycrain | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really simple and straightforward... it sort of portrays a person that has seemingly just broken up with someone beloved. It kind of conveys loneliness in a very banal way. The most effective stanza in my opinion is the last one that in a way happens to be the least pedestrian. I suggest adding more elements to this poem so as to make it a tad more complex... Maybe sharper vocabulary may help you to accomplish that. Likewise I'd recommend you to hide some features of the poem in order to let the readers discover things by themselves instead of providing all the information all at once, so to speak. Nice attempt, take care and keep writing.
    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


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