My sanity's finally fallen apart.
Inside my mind where I've been lost.
My breathing stopped and turned to frost.
Showered in lies,bathed in hate.
This bleeding metal has sealed my fate.
This battle I've lost.
Tears and sears.
Within my last breath.
Within my last beat.
Within this darkness.
Is where you are.
| this one caught me hard. i reread it over and over again...i wish i had the time to write back more and in detail but your writing stirs up the pain in me...it's difficult to read...please don't stop and let me know when you write more stuff...i'd love to read it|
|| Posted on 2005-12-26 00:00:00 | by Numb | [ Reply to This ] || Nice poem, and I can feel the emotion in the words - but it feels like you aren't being as passionate and expressive as you very well could be. I agree with what another user said, that rhyming may be the cause of that. I personally find that if you let the poetry write ITSELF (don't think about it, just put the pen to the paper and write), words will flow onto the page that you couldn't have found had you intentionally tried. That may sound odd, but it really helps - especially when you feel uninspired or like you've got nothing left to offer.||| Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by HopesAndDreams | [ Reply to This ] || I think your words and emotions are passionate. but rhyming is holding back the most you could do. i suggest you write your deepest and darkest thoughts into an unrhyming piece.. i would expect it to be more real and moving.||| Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by orderly conduct | [ Reply to This ] || i like it. it gave you a feel of what the person was feeling. i could see what was inside their head and what they were seeing. the picture might not of been pretty but it was good. keep up the good work||| Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by tomboy | [ Reply to This ] || i like it a lot and especially love the line 'My breathing stopped and turned to frost', i think thats beautiful. I cant see where you could improve it to be honest. Well done.||| Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by edwardgalaxy | [ Reply to This ] || [censored]ing awsome. The way you worded it i could see everything in my mind...which wasnt so pretty but seriously there is nothing i would change in this i loved it! :)|
|| Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by Star | [ Reply to This ] |