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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Her smile gave way to laughter(one)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: spoken
    ASL Info:    24/m/Atl
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 158/198/57
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 955
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2073



    Description:
       to be continued...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHer smile gave way to laughter(one)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    From across the subway car
    I could barley make out the lyrics seeping through her earphones

    Perhaps "Wherever my eyes may be..."
    "Wherever your heart may wave you..."

    It took me a minute to get it right
    Then I had to grab my pen and write

    To the love of my life:

    I cant live without you
    I cant live without you
    I cant live without you
    I cant live without you
    I cant live without you

    Or do you just want to f...
    Sincerly




    Spoken


    Her smile gave way to laughter.




    Submitted on 2005-12-19 05:51:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      well this doesn't really tell me muchg of anything except that you are stealing a song for your gf=or love of your life--Now a couple of questions--who was the girl=?-the love of your life-just some chick?---//and why were you stealing lyrics to give them to your true babay-? hmmm--I am only pulling your leg with the stealing thing-I actually listen to songs and I am so bad at getting the correct lyrics all the time that I sometimes write down what I hear and interpret at full speed--for one: you are bound to come up with some really way out there stuff and I never get the words right so I come up with something new and fresh-or nothing-maybe just some ideas--well enuff ramble----------so who is this new fascination of yours--seems like
    Mr.Spoken's
    spoke is broke
    due to the lady's heart he has chosen
    LT
    | Posted on 2005-12-26 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      hey, i just realised that you are actually spoken. Hehehehe!!! Sincerely, spoken. Dumb me. But as I said... That spoken taken into the context in which I saw it, as the writer says that what he had on his heart has been said/shared/put into life/action has been taken/took the leap/been made vulnerable... I could go on. You see, you make the reader open to so many scenarios. Cool.
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm a bit lost to be honest. you have some spelling mistakes, I think. they might however just be typos. since this is a misc entry, I won't go into structure.

    However, i did find this enjoyable. The intro is what I really like. You create this image of a stalker. Hehehe!!! then this is where I get confused. Is this written for someone in the writer's life or is it written about this stranger that the writer is infatuated with. Any way.

    Like the rhyme in the third verse. It is not forced and I find it quite witty. :)

    The letter comes across as some sort of lyrics to a song. A very depressing one, I might add. Hehehehe!!! Do you find depressing songs uplifting as I do??? When i listen to depressing songs, it makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone in feeling like this. Hope you understand.

    The part before sincerely... Our or or?? I'm lost here. if it is our, could you explain what it means. If it's or, then it all makes sense.

    Spoken... this is ingenious. Especially in this work as it is. It lets the readers mind go... great job.

    Like the ending. A bit short. I wouldn't change it though.

    In the words of Jimma, Thanx for your words.

    Lata
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it, it was short, though it was well written.
    I Agree that you could go back & add some depth.
    But, then again I like how it takes you to this place & ends with her smile.
    It really does take you to this cute moment while you were riding on the subway.

    Again, you could add more, but its all up to you.
    Either way I really enjoyed it.
    Take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      this was good but it sounded more like a short song to me. it doesn't really come together as i had hoped it would, but it was still good. but maybe you should think about going back redoing some of it and adding some depth?

    ~Zach~
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]


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