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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: All I've Learntdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DeepDreamer2008
    ASL Info:    17/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    6.89 - 714/497/55
    Words: 243
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1726
    Average Vote:    4.6667
    Bytes: 1694



    Description:
        This is a poem I put quite a lot into, so I really appreciate comments and suggestions. Criticise as much as you like but put in some advice as well. I want this piece to be good. Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAll I've Learntdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Iíve learnt the sky's never really blue
    And grass is not always green
    Visual perception is not enough
    There's always more behind the scene

    I have found out that bitter is sweet
    And war can sometimes end in peace
    And that the love bird may stay close
    Even once it has been released

    Iíve realised that I can travel for miles
    Without ever having to leave my own house
    And that size does not mean so much
    For an elephantís greatest fearís a mouse

    I know now that the blind can see
    Just as far and just as clear
    If not further and clearer than us
    Whom seeing has made our sight so near

    Iíve come to see that age doesnít matter
    For adults are childish and children grown
    And hate is as passionate a feeling as love
    But it is power that turns hearts to stone

    I've learnt that the dumb tongue speaks
    Words so deep and meanings kind
    Unlike our constant rambling on
    They come not from tongue, but mind

    I have realised the insane arenít mad
    They just see life through different eyes
    And arenít afraid to say their thoughts
    Do not care if people criticise

    But when I look back and contemplate
    Three words my mind comes upon
    Describing everything I have learnt
    About life: People, it goes onÖ



    23/03/06




    Submitted on 2005-12-19 14:23:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I have already read 5 of your works and commented 2.

    I like the idea behind this, since it is just simple things we see each day. Life. How amazingly it is the same everywhere in its core. Although it might appear different, but in the end life goes on with or without us.

    My nitpick is about this stanza:

    "I know now that the blind can see
    Just as far and just as clear
    If not further and clearer than us
    Whom seeing has made our sight so near"

    I suggest something like:

    I know now that the blind can see
    Beyond the firmament so clear,
    when the rest stare at the world with
    drowsy insight smothered by fear


    It is too repetitive, when your other stanzas convey many thoughts this one just struggles with one. It is your weak link really.

    "And hate is as passionate a feeling as love
    But it is power that turns hearts to stone"

    These verses seems a tad heavy my suggestion is:

    And hate, a raw feeling, passionate as love
    yet a power to mold hearts into stone

    The S alliteration in both verses gives it a very heavy whistling sound. I tried to remove some of them. My verses are just a suggestion, you don't really need to take them though.

    That is all I have to say really.
    It is relieving from the teen rant. Keep up the good outlook and the hope.

    Viviane
    | Posted on 2008-02-26 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really thought-provoking shot at a mystery that has fascinated me for so long ... I try to write about 'evolution', because of these provoked thoughts! Just meaning I love to read others' poems on this topic, and that I like this one.

    Just reading the other comments.

    Okay: is it interesting and unique? Well, how can any treatment of an interesting topic be unique? It would be a rare fluke. But people still want to find the words; and any poet is good for that!

    And then Azurewarrior reckons it is inspirational and original! Well there's no original thought there, but it is still a revelation to some folk (as it was to you) and the verse is finely made and fit to last: that's "original" every time!

    Rubymoon stumbled over 'learnt'. But why should you worry? You got your Poetic Licence first time you ever made a rhyme. I reckon this is important: if you like it and people can understand it somehow, then it is really absolutely is a word. That's how words started and that's how they get on! There is no Institution anywhere (except in France, which has language legislation!) that has the slightest authority over what is a word and what isn't! The whole idea is really funny.

    I agree with JimweiZERO.

    NamelessChild is clever: "it goes on, but it's always connected." I agree.

    BlueMonk is right too.

    Yeah - the big problem here (if you want one) is the last stanza. Nobody's going to comment that it supports the rest of the poem well enough! But you need your skilled readers to notice your finalizing lines and be forced to give a compliment!

    You know exactly what you want to say there; so maybe reviewing it now and then, would be a fun challenge in finding a clear and hard-hitting pattern of sense and sound ... these ballad stanzas, and what you in particular do with them, are so complicated inside a simple frame ... I haven't even tried to second-guess you about what it could improve to.













    | Posted on 2008-02-24 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      i think that the wrods used were good and it had good meaning behind it...but it was a bit boring to me...and not writing this in spite or anything but actually with my true and honest opinion...it sound like all the other [censored] i've read...but it does have good meaning and it does touch ya...but i wouldn't say unique
    | Posted on 2008-02-11 00:00:00 | by taintedsmiles | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this poem. It seemed like something you might hear from a Chinese sage (Though in English and without the the characters).lol
    I really liked the lines"...And that size does not mean so much/For an elephant's greatest fear is a mouse.
    Next time I run into the Crips I will try to remember that. .Actually, they are probably more full of fears than I am, After all, they feel they need to carry a gun.
    That's how scared those elephants are.
    But by using extremes like that your point came across crystal clear.
    i can't think of anything to improve it. Or anything I would have done differently.
    This seems inspirational in nature.
    And it definitely seemed original.
    Good job!
    | Posted on 2008-02-10 00:00:00 | by azurwarrior | [ Reply to This ]
      mmm...reading thru the comments there is nothing more i can add that hasnt been said in one way or another...

    its a simple piece with a strong message, i got to admit that you picked the right way of delivering your message
    simple enough not to bore and simple enough so that even young ones can read and understand
    but each time you come back to this piece there is something new that comes to the mind

    and just because of this reason i would repeat what the other reviewers have said but for a different reason
    the word "learnt"...yes, again that word
    i wont say the word dont exist, but i want to point out that learnt denotes past tense...
    that you are done learning it, is that what you really want to say?
    that you finished learning all the world have to offer?

    just a thought... its a good piece as it is, i wont ask you to change anything
    | Posted on 2008-02-08 00:00:00 | by rubymoon | [ Reply to This ]
      I really love the content of this. It expresses so much truth. I have to agree with one of the previous comments... the sincerity is astonishing.

    There are only a few things that I would dare critique because I can tell what you've put into this...

    I think you should cut out the contraction of fear's and use...
    *For an elephant's greatest fear is a mess

    The 4th stanza is kinda confusing to me... It may be that I just don't get it, but rewording might help the simple-minded. However, this stanza has a perfect rythym and flow so use your own discretion.

    As another said, learnt is not a word... simple fix.

    All in all this is a great read.... Nice! :)
    | Posted on 2006-11-10 00:00:00 | by kiddo13 | [ Reply to This ]
      omg wow I'm SO happy I decided to read this, I'm very tired so I wasn't going to read anything else until later on today but your title made me decide I had to at least check it out, plus you're an awesome writer so I should have expected no less. I liked this a lot so I'll break it down stanza-to-stanza here we go::
    "Iíve learnt the sky's never really blue
    And grass is not always green
    Visual perception is not enough
    There's always more behind the scene"
    ~there wasn't anything "wrong" with this stanza I just thought it was a little surface levelish for how deep you go later. regardless of how surface it was though it was still true, almost nothing is as you first percieve it to be.

    "I have found out that bitter is sweet
    And war can sometimes end in peace
    And that the love bird may stay close
    Even once it has been released"
    ~this stanza held a lot of meaning for me because this lesson tends to be one of the harder ones for people to learn/accept...because to ever understand if something was meant to be, you have to at least be willing to let it go....in some cases anyway.

    "Iíve realised that I can travel for miles
    Without ever having to leave my own house
    And that size does not mean so much
    For an elephantís greatest fearís a mouse"
    ~in some respects size doesn't matter but *evil grin* if you're being literal, most men and women [in slightly different contexts ;)] will agree size does indeed matter...it isn't the MOST important thing, but it matters.

    "I know now that the blind can see
    Just as far and just as clear
    If not further and clearer than us
    Whom seeing has made our sight so near"
    ~this was beautiful because it's true, when you don't have the ability to do things one way, you improvise and learn how to see in other ways. just like people who can see take advantage of that and ignore their hearts and intuitiion.

    "Iíve come to see that age doesnít matter
    For adults are childish and children grown
    And hate is as passionate a feeling as love
    But it is power that turns hearts to stone"
    ~equally good, it seems like you've spent about as much (if not more) time as me finding reasons to break society's stereotypes. honestly I think labeling and catogorizing things is just a vain attempt to try to understand something....and it usually creates more bias and misjudgements.

    " have realised the insane arenít mad
    They just see life through different eyes
    And arenít afraid to say their thoughts
    Do not care if people criticise"
    this was my absolute favorite part of your entire write because I had never thought of it exactly like that before, that's so deep. and I think criticize has a 'z' in it but I could be wrong.

    anyway overall i can tell that you took a lot of time on this write, it shows so much and you have a lot of talent, I'll definatly add this to my faves


    | Posted on 2006-10-28 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey...well this poem is really good.. but its like.. all so clear.. if it was a little more mysteriuos.. then it would be like WOW.. i really like some of ur words though.. they are really inspiring.. come chekc out some of mine and tell me what you think.. Peace
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by krazyhwitebtch | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,i believe this poem captures a very profound thought about life.And for somebody as young as you are,you are capturing tomorrow from the eyes of today.Tomorrow indeeed belong to those who sees not like other see for life comes in shade of greys most time and not in just black and white.
    Dele
    | Posted on 2006-05-23 00:00:00 | by Dele | [ Reply to This ]
      Of all the poems I've read, this one is more thought provoking. But I must say, there is plenty to learn! However, you scooped up the general thoughts of the average human.

    I didn't see much wrong in this piece. Infact, I'd like to read this alloud to my friends in the poetry club. It's a perfect example as to how to write a intriguing poem.

    I'll explain myself...

    You have a wonderful talent to capture broad thoughts into few words. Not only that, you support your ideas, or "findings" as I'd like to call them, with something equally meaninful. Instead of relating one thing to something completely unconnectable; it's relevant... It teaches the reader something, while keeping an open mind.

    This poem awakens thought - yet resticts your mind to stay on the "lesson."

    When I say this, I mean, you were able to keep my mind wondering, yet stay on the topic. It goes on, in a strait, consistant line.

    It goes on, but it's always connected.
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ]
      For 16 years old you have learned a lot and it is good that you are able to share with us everything that you have learned. It has been a long time since I have visited your site and I am sorry that I did not do it earlier because this is really good. Now that I think about it it has been a really long time. I think the last time that I talked to you you had won the competition. So right now I feel pretty bad because of having ignored your page. Believe me that was not my intention I just haven't found the time. This is really good. Don't worry this is not my whole comment its just that class is almost over and I have to go but I will come back to post my real comment.
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem right from the beginning is very pleasant to read and contains truths about life that I can really connect with. Your talent is quite obvious word for word and the tone combined with descriptive nature of the poem works brilliantly. This could read as a poem or just a code about life, either way it reads astoundingly. You have something great with this poem. Great Job..
    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by ERA | [ Reply to This ]
      Worthy of being published. An absolutely brilliant. I just love this. You made rhyming here seem so easy and free, something mind you that I am completely unable to do.

    I love the message of this poem. Truely brilliant... wait give me a sec I still haven't gotten over how good this is... okay I am good now, yeah like I said just brilliant.

    Right now thats the only thing I can say.

    I be back at a later to read more of your poety. Keep up the good work and have a blessed day.
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      I COMPLETELY AND UTTERABLE LOVE THIS PEOM OMG YOU ARE SO FREEKING GOOD AT THIS GOD IT WAS UNBELEVABLE! I WOULD CHANGE NOTHING WHAT SO EVER
    | Posted on 2006-03-16 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      That's very good. I know this is breaking all the feedback rules, but I have nothing intelligent to really say. I'm in a certain amount of awe though.
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Angel_of_Hate | [ Reply to This ]
      wow.. i have learned a lot of those things as well.. however, never been able to put them down in words.. i think this is a very good poem.. and soo true..

    And hate is as passionate a feeling as love
    But it is power that turns hearts to stone

    that being one of my fav lines.. when love and hate collide.. i am impressed by this write.. and will add it to my favs.. good job..
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by Justmenow14 | [ Reply to This ]
      I wanted to look back at this one again as this is one of my favorite writes I have ever read
    This write really moves me
    I am glad we have become good friends on this site
    You my friend are truly a great writer
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it much! It flows much better now, and I think it deserves a spot in my faves.
    -HaldirLives
    P.S. I agree with all that it says. Very good job!
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good write. Not terribly original, but it seems like you really believe what you wrote. There are times when you used contractions but shouldn't have, and times when you didn't use contractions but should have. It messed up the rhythm when I read it. Otherwise, good job!
    -HaldirLives
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, I would like to thank you for that kind comment that you gave me regarding my piece entitled Gone. I greatly appreciate it.
    Your sympathy means a great deal to me as well during my hard time.

    In reading this piece of yours, I have found that you are more talented as well as wise than I first mistook you for. When I first read some of your pieces I knew that you were a good writer, on many levels. However, now, I've realized that you are more than that.
    ...worldly and inspiring.
    In short, this piece is profound, yet simple.

    Nice piece.
    ...and thank you again.

    Crystal
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by purely_complex | [ Reply to This ]
      An exceptional piece! As i read through this piece i find you've captured so many things with so little words it's amazing. There isn't really a lot i can offer that hasn't already been said by the others, but all the metaphors used and the poetic rhythm you've created make this an awesome piece and well worthy of a favourites addition
    Thanks for such an insightful and thought provoking piece

    A Loving Hatred
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by ALovingHatred | [ Reply to This ]
      I think these are exceptional observations for someone of any age to come up with. I could see it improved not by any change in content, but only with some changes to build better rhythm and rhyme. The work is worthy of your continuing best effort to make it sing.

    Some conjunction work one way or the other could easily massage the flow, and sometimes less may be more, taking out some possibly unnecessary words which would not really change the line.

    By way of example, "Iíve learnt that the sky is never really blue" could just as easily say, "I've learnt the sky is never really blue".

    This looks like it could be done in the absence of "I" altogether (there is a lot used, and remember our challenge). A good title might then be "Things Learnt" since you're obviously learning more each day and the current title could convey a sense of finality or even disappointment to some readers.

    Thanks especially for "Iíve realised that the insane arenít mad
    They just see life through different eyes" That could be ambigious, I like that. Please note that in the U.S. we spell it "realized", and we've lost the usage of "learnt", but I still drink hot tea with sugar and (sadly) artificial creamer.
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      'hate is as passionate a feeling as love
    But it is power that turns hearts to stone'

    I like what you have said here. I think in two lines you have summed up human instinct.

    I think the last line:

    'About life: People, it goes onÖ'

    could be,

    About life, it goes onÖ

    It's good the way it is, but I think because it is quite a personal reflective poem. The last line as it is, preaches. Where as the suggestion I make is more reflective. I think it may just give it that personal edge.

    There are lovely ideas in here, about blind people seeing, and young being more grown up than adults sometimes. It was a bit of a shock for me when I realised that adults are just as screwed up, and talk just as much rubbish as kids. It all builds up very nicely to the last line. Nice job.
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel that the first stanza needs a little better rhyme to it. maybe something. along the line of..."I've learnt that the sky is never really blue
    And the grass isn't always green
    and visual perception is not enough
    There's always more behind the scene" Or something like that anyway.. rhymes much better with green then been did.. other then that first stanza I don't see anything else that I would change I love the last line "About Life: People it goes on." Excellent.
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by rosered | [ Reply to This ]
      You want it to be good you say? What if it already is good? Then what would you do?

    I hope you thought about that last question because thats the path you should be taking. This is a very good poem. No question. I couldn't possibly improve and I suppose now would be the time for me to return the favour of giving a favourites addition.

    To me, this poem melts the world into something equal and special, where the insane and the same as the sane, where the big and small are the same size... It's a very interlectual idea, and was very well achieved by you in this write. You have yourself a wall of poetry to fall back on, should advance too far in any direction. Great work!
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      I was struck by the sincerity of this poem. The introspective tone to the whole piece is kinda negated by the quippy oneliner ending. for such deep and wonderfully phrased thoughts i would have expected a different type of ending. all in all i loved it, it is exactly the type of wring that i most often enjoy; the type that reminds you to evaluate and learn from your life.
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by hauntedrose | [ Reply to This ]
      well there's nothing to criticize in this one. it's excellent. I can tell you spent alot of time working on it and I can also see that you're very mature and thoughtful and beyond your years. I don't agree that this poem is clichť. and the learnt is okay by me--makes it unique. only one word correction that I can find:

    And that the love bird my stay close

    I think you meant may instead of my.

    other than that, no changes needed. excellent poem and very well done.
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this
    This is an incredibly well written write
    I saw a lot of my own life in this write
    A LOT!
    You captured a feeling that is very rarely captured in poetry
    That feeling is not being afraid of Change
    Excellent Write
    This one is a favorite
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't really think the flow is that great so maybe you should work a little on that. also some of the ways you word things are confusing. um learnt? yeah i'll leave that one to you. petty clichť' but still a good poem.
    Later Dayz.
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by MalikiDragon | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful. I really enjoyed this. You put alot into this. Though it was really simple. You really do think alot..
    If you compare you things to ones of others, you challenge your readers to think.
    To look through different eyes themselves.

    You take a different look at the world, you have such a happier outlook & you really do inspire me.
    Sorry there isnt more that I can say.
    I love your simplicity, your thought & everything else that you put into your poetry.
    It really does make all the difference.
    Take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, for all those across the pond, I have not learned a thing, well I guess I did find out that that french orientred words infiltrated into you speech patterns!
    Why the French, why not just pick up some Aussie words (they might sound funny but there is no french accent.
    No, really I love the frenchie back-stabbing-oil-for-food-money- grabbing-arms- selling-saddam loving [censored]s.
    That I 'learnT'
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      thats alot of insight for one so young. i wish i had that much ground under my feet at your age. i enjoyed the poem and all its points. and i cant critacize the poem how ever just remeber when you think you know so much...youll find you know so little. still great poem great insight. keep it goin strong.
    -jon
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by jbb360 | [ Reply to This ]
      Furst uv awl ma Deer! you may learn, you have learned, you will have learned, but you will never have LEARNT a thing! It ain;t a wurd!
    However, a bird in the hand is still worth TWO in the bush, but what has that really got to do with the price of tea in China? Who Knows!
    As I read, it really did go on and on and on, just like life. Just like life this also lacks a good catchy swing to the lines, a good rhythm.
    A memory sort of the keeps those lines repeating in your head.
    Stanza five has it going; but line three has too many sylables.
    And the other comment got to the critical mistake.
    PERFECTION, is just like beauty, its in the eyes of the beholder!
    Oh, and I'm not even going to mention what somebody surely will remind you of when they read this, but its too 'clichť' to say.
    They will want everthing translated into modern talk, you know everyday stuff-For every woman will remind you SIZE DOES MATTER!
    LATER
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i gotta say I love this poem soo very much. I think you spell it CRITICIZE, though you may want to check it up.. anyway, besides that, I like the numerous metaphors and wonderful similes, entwined with all the imagery, my favorite one was the elephant and the mouse.. so very true and amazing. Nice moral to the story, it deserves to be one of my favorites indeed!
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by margui | [ Reply to This ]
      wow it really goes for one of my favorites-.. i t really mput many things in my head and remembered who i am so thanks for sharing and keep writing and thanks for sharing and if you have time please take a look to my writing
    peace and love
    have a nice day
    take care
    Victor
    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    85005

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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