I have already read 5 of your works and commented 2.
I like the idea behind this, since it is just simple things we see each day. Life. How amazingly it is the same everywhere in its core. Although it might appear different, but in the end life goes on with or without us.
My nitpick is about this stanza:
"I know now that the blind can see
Just as far and just as clear
If not further and clearer than us
Whom seeing has made our sight so near"
I suggest something like:
I know now that the blind can see
Beyond the firmament so clear,
when the rest stare at the world with
drowsy insight smothered by fear
It is too repetitive, when your other stanzas convey many thoughts this one just struggles with one. It is your weak link really.
"And hate is as passionate a feeling as love
But it is power that turns hearts to stone"
These verses seems a tad heavy my suggestion is:
And hate, a raw feeling, passionate as love
yet a power to mold hearts into stone
The S alliteration in both verses gives it a very heavy whistling sound. I tried to remove some of them. My verses are just a suggestion, you don't really need to take them though.
That is all I have to say really.
It is relieving from the teen rant. Keep up the good outlook and the hope.
This is a really thought-provoking shot at a mystery that has fascinated me for so long ... I try to write about 'evolution', because of these provoked thoughts! Just meaning I love to read others' poems on this topic, and that I like this one.
Just reading the other comments.
Okay: is it interesting and unique? Well, how can any treatment of an interesting topic be unique? It would be a rare fluke. But people still want to find the words; and any poet is good for that!
And then Azurewarrior reckons it is inspirational and original! Well there's no original thought there, but it is still a revelation to some folk (as it was to you) and the verse is finely made and fit to last: that's "original" every time!
Rubymoon stumbled over 'learnt'. But why should you worry? You got your Poetic Licence first time you ever made a rhyme. I reckon this is important: if you like it and people can understand it somehow, then it is really absolutely is a word. That's how words started and that's how they get on! There is no Institution anywhere (except in France, which has language legislation!) that has the slightest authority over what is a word and what isn't! The whole idea is really funny.
I agree with JimweiZERO.
NamelessChild is clever: "it goes on, but it's always connected." I agree.
BlueMonk is right too.
Yeah - the big problem here (if you want one) is the last stanza. Nobody's going to comment that it supports the rest of the poem well enough! But you need your skilled readers to notice your finalizing lines and be forced to give a compliment!
You know exactly what you want to say there; so maybe reviewing it now and then, would be a fun challenge in finding a clear and hard-hitting pattern of sense and sound ... these ballad stanzas, and what you in particular do with them, are so complicated inside a simple frame ... I haven't even tried to second-guess you about what it could improve to.
i think that the wrods used were good and it had good meaning behind it...but it was a bit boring to me...and not writing this in spite or anything but actually with my true and honest opinion...it sound like all the other [censored] i've read...but it does have good meaning and it does touch ya...but i wouldn't say unique
I really liked this poem. It seemed like something you might hear from a Chinese sage (Though in English and without the the characters).lol
I really liked the lines"...And that size does not mean so much/For an elephant's greatest fear is a mouse.
Next time I run into the Crips I will try to remember that. .Actually, they are probably more full of fears than I am, After all, they feel they need to carry a gun.
That's how scared those elephants are.
But by using extremes like that your point came across crystal clear.
i can't think of anything to improve it. Or anything I would have done differently.
This seems inspirational in nature.
And it definitely seemed original.
mmm...reading thru the comments there is nothing more i can add that hasnt been said in one way or another...
its a simple piece with a strong message, i got to admit that you picked the right way of delivering your message
simple enough not to bore and simple enough so that even young ones can read and understand
but each time you come back to this piece there is something new that comes to the mind
and just because of this reason i would repeat what the other reviewers have said but for a different reason
the word "learnt"...yes, again that word
i wont say the word dont exist, but i want to point out that learnt denotes past tense...
that you are done learning it, is that what you really want to say?
that you finished learning all the world have to offer?
just a thought... its a good piece as it is, i wont ask you to change anything
I really love the content of this. It expresses so much truth. I have to agree with one of the previous comments... the sincerity is astonishing.
There are only a few things that I would dare critique because I can tell what you've put into this...
I think you should cut out the contraction of fear's and use... *For an elephant's greatest fear is a mess
The 4th stanza is kinda confusing to me... It may be that I just don't get it, but rewording might help the simple-minded. However, this stanza has a perfect rythym and flow so use your own discretion.
As another said, learnt is not a word... simple fix.
omg wow I'm SO happy I decided to read this, I'm very tired so I wasn't going to read anything else until later on today but your title made me decide I had to at least check it out, plus you're an awesome writer so I should have expected no less. I liked this a lot so I'll break it down stanza-to-stanza here we go:: "Iíve learnt the sky's never really blue And grass is not always green Visual perception is not enough There's always more behind the scene" ~there wasn't anything "wrong" with this stanza I just thought it was a little surface levelish for how deep you go later. regardless of how surface it was though it was still true, almost nothing is as you first percieve it to be.
"I have found out that bitter is sweet And war can sometimes end in peace And that the love bird may stay close Even once it has been released" ~this stanza held a lot of meaning for me because this lesson tends to be one of the harder ones for people to learn/accept...because to ever understand if something was meant to be, you have to at least be willing to let it go....in some cases anyway.
"Iíve realised that I can travel for miles Without ever having to leave my own house And that size does not mean so much For an elephantís greatest fearís a mouse" ~in some respects size doesn't matter but *evil grin* if you're being literal, most men and women [in slightly different contexts ;)] will agree size does indeed matter...it isn't the MOST important thing, but it matters.
"I know now that the blind can see Just as far and just as clear If not further and clearer than us Whom seeing has made our sight so near" ~this was beautiful because it's true, when you don't have the ability to do things one way, you improvise and learn how to see in other ways. just like people who can see take advantage of that and ignore their hearts and intuitiion.
"Iíve come to see that age doesnít matter For adults are childish and children grown And hate is as passionate a feeling as love But it is power that turns hearts to stone" ~equally good, it seems like you've spent about as much (if not more) time as me finding reasons to break society's stereotypes. honestly I think labeling and catogorizing things is just a vain attempt to try to understand something....and it usually creates more bias and misjudgements.
" have realised the insane arenít mad They just see life through different eyes And arenít afraid to say their thoughts Do not care if people criticise" this was my absolute favorite part of your entire write because I had never thought of it exactly like that before, that's so deep. and I think criticize has a 'z' in it but I could be wrong.
anyway overall i can tell that you took a lot of time on this write, it shows so much and you have a lot of talent, I'll definatly add this to my faves
Hey...well this poem is really good.. but its like.. all so clear.. if it was a little more mysteriuos.. then it would be like WOW.. i really like some of ur words though.. they are really inspiring.. come chekc out some of mine and tell me what you think.. Peace
Hi,i believe this poem captures a very profound thought about life.And for somebody as young as you are,you are capturing tomorrow from the eyes of today.Tomorrow indeeed belong to those who sees not like other see for life comes in shade of greys most time and not in just black and white. Dele
Of all the poems I've read, this one is more thought provoking. But I must say, there is plenty to learn! However, you scooped up the general thoughts of the average human.
I didn't see much wrong in this piece. Infact, I'd like to read this alloud to my friends in the poetry club. It's a perfect example as to how to write a intriguing poem.
I'll explain myself...
You have a wonderful talent to capture broad thoughts into few words. Not only that, you support your ideas, or "findings" as I'd like to call them, with something equally meaninful. Instead of relating one thing to something completely unconnectable; it's relevant... It teaches the reader something, while keeping an open mind.
This poem awakens thought - yet resticts your mind to stay on the "lesson."
When I say this, I mean, you were able to keep my mind wondering, yet stay on the topic. It goes on, in a strait, consistant line.
For 16 years old you have learned a lot and it is good that you are able to share with us everything that you have learned. It has been a long time since I have visited your site and I am sorry that I did not do it earlier because this is really good. Now that I think about it it has been a really long time. I think the last time that I talked to you you had won the competition. So right now I feel pretty bad because of having ignored your page. Believe me that was not my intention I just haven't found the time. This is really good. Don't worry this is not my whole comment its just that class is almost over and I have to go but I will come back to post my real comment.
This poem right from the beginning is very pleasant to read and contains truths about life that I can really connect with. Your talent is quite obvious word for word and the tone combined with descriptive nature of the poem works brilliantly. This could read as a poem or just a code about life, either way it reads astoundingly. You have something great with this poem. Great Job..
I wanted to look back at this one again as this is one of my favorite writes I have ever read This write really moves me I am glad we have become good friends on this site You my friend are truly a great writer God Bless Ron
This is a good write. Not terribly original, but it seems like you really believe what you wrote. There are times when you used contractions but shouldn't have, and times when you didn't use contractions but should have. It messed up the rhythm when I read it. Otherwise, good job! -HaldirLives
First of all, I would like to thank you for that kind comment that you gave me regarding my piece entitled Gone. I greatly appreciate it. Your sympathy means a great deal to me as well during my hard time.
In reading this piece of yours, I have found that you are more talented as well as wise than I first mistook you for. When I first read some of your pieces I knew that you were a good writer, on many levels. However, now, I've realized that you are more than that. ...worldly and inspiring. In short, this piece is profound, yet simple.
An exceptional piece! As i read through this piece i find you've captured so many things with so little words it's amazing. There isn't really a lot i can offer that hasn't already been said by the others, but all the metaphors used and the poetic rhythm you've created make this an awesome piece and well worthy of a favourites addition Thanks for such an insightful and thought provoking piece
I think these are exceptional observations for someone of any age to come up with. I could see it improved not by any change in content, but only with some changes to build better rhythm and rhyme. The work is worthy of your continuing best effort to make it sing.
Some conjunction work one way or the other could easily massage the flow, and sometimes less may be more, taking out some possibly unnecessary words which would not really change the line.
By way of example, "Iíve learnt that the sky is never really blue" could just as easily say, "I've learnt the sky is never really blue".
This looks like it could be done in the absence of "I" altogether (there is a lot used, and remember our challenge). A good title might then be "Things Learnt" since you're obviously learning more each day and the current title could convey a sense of finality or even disappointment to some readers.
Thanks especially for "Iíve realised that the insane arenít mad They just see life through different eyes" That could be ambigious, I like that. Please note that in the U.S. we spell it "realized", and we've lost the usage of "learnt", but I still drink hot tea with sugar and (sadly) artificial creamer.
'hate is as passionate a feeling as love But it is power that turns hearts to stone'
I like what you have said here. I think in two lines you have summed up human instinct.
I think the last line:
'About life: People, it goes onÖ'
About life, it goes onÖ
It's good the way it is, but I think because it is quite a personal reflective poem. The last line as it is, preaches. Where as the suggestion I make is more reflective. I think it may just give it that personal edge.
There are lovely ideas in here, about blind people seeing, and young being more grown up than adults sometimes. It was a bit of a shock for me when I realised that adults are just as screwed up, and talk just as much rubbish as kids. It all builds up very nicely to the last line. Nice job.
I feel that the first stanza needs a little better rhyme to it. maybe something. along the line of..."I've learnt that the sky is never really blue And the grass isn't always green and visual perception is not enough There's always more behind the scene" Or something like that anyway.. rhymes much better with green then been did.. other then that first stanza I don't see anything else that I would change I love the last line "About Life: People it goes on." Excellent.
You want it to be good you say? What if it already is good? Then what would you do?
I hope you thought about that last question because thats the path you should be taking. This is a very good poem. No question. I couldn't possibly improve and I suppose now would be the time for me to return the favour of giving a favourites addition.
To me, this poem melts the world into something equal and special, where the insane and the same as the sane, where the big and small are the same size... It's a very interlectual idea, and was very well achieved by you in this write. You have yourself a wall of poetry to fall back on, should advance too far in any direction. Great work!
I was struck by the sincerity of this poem. The introspective tone to the whole piece is kinda negated by the quippy oneliner ending. for such deep and wonderfully phrased thoughts i would have expected a different type of ending. all in all i loved it, it is exactly the type of wring that i most often enjoy; the type that reminds you to evaluate and learn from your life.
well there's nothing to criticize in this one. it's excellent. I can tell you spent alot of time working on it and I can also see that you're very mature and thoughtful and beyond your years. I don't agree that this poem is clichť. and the learnt is okay by me--makes it unique. only one word correction that I can find:
And that the love bird my stay close
I think you meant may instead of my.
other than that, no changes needed. excellent poem and very well done.
I loved this This is an incredibly well written write I saw a lot of my own life in this write A LOT! You captured a feeling that is very rarely captured in poetry That feeling is not being afraid of Change Excellent Write This one is a favorite God Bless Ron
I don't really think the flow is that great so maybe you should work a little on that. also some of the ways you word things are confusing. um learnt? yeah i'll leave that one to you. petty clichť' but still a good poem. Later Dayz.
Beautiful. I really enjoyed this. You put alot into this. Though it was really simple. You really do think alot.. If you compare you things to ones of others, you challenge your readers to think. To look through different eyes themselves.
You take a different look at the world, you have such a happier outlook & you really do inspire me. Sorry there isnt more that I can say. I love your simplicity, your thought & everything else that you put into your poetry. It really does make all the difference. Take care ~jennifer
Oh, for all those across the pond, I have not learned a thing, well I guess I did find out that that french orientred words infiltrated into you speech patterns! Why the French, why not just pick up some Aussie words (they might sound funny but there is no french accent. No, really I love the frenchie back-stabbing-oil-for-food-money- grabbing-arms- selling-saddam loving [censored]s. That I 'learnT'
thats alot of insight for one so young. i wish i had that much ground under my feet at your age. i enjoyed the poem and all its points. and i cant critacize the poem how ever just remeber when you think you know so much...youll find you know so little. still great poem great insight. keep it goin strong. -jon
Furst uv awl ma Deer! you may learn, you have learned, you will have learned, but you will never have LEARNT a thing! It ain;t a wurd! However, a bird in the hand is still worth TWO in the bush, but what has that really got to do with the price of tea in China? Who Knows! As I read, it really did go on and on and on, just like life. Just like life this also lacks a good catchy swing to the lines, a good rhythm. A memory sort of the keeps those lines repeating in your head. Stanza five has it going; but line three has too many sylables. And the other comment got to the critical mistake. PERFECTION, is just like beauty, its in the eyes of the beholder! Oh, and I'm not even going to mention what somebody surely will remind you of when they read this, but its too 'clichť' to say. They will want everthing translated into modern talk, you know everyday stuff-For every woman will remind you SIZE DOES MATTER! LATER
wow i gotta say I love this poem soo very much. I think you spell it CRITICIZE, though you may want to check it up.. anyway, besides that, I like the numerous metaphors and wonderful similes, entwined with all the imagery, my favorite one was the elephant and the mouse.. so very true and amazing. Nice moral to the story, it deserves to be one of my favorites indeed!
wow it really goes for one of my favorites-.. i t really mput many things in my head and remembered who i am so thanks for sharing and keep writing and thanks for sharing and if you have time please take a look to my writing peace and love have a nice day take care Victor