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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I've Died Insidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Metal Heart74
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 72/61/17
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 591
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 842



    Description:
       This should be a really slow song, but I can't write music, just imagine it. I have this shitty cold, I hate colds, when i get them I feel emotionless, I just stop caring. Suck so much. Anyway I plan to return to this, tune it up occasionally.


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    dotsI've Died Insidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Inside...
    I want to cry...
    but tears are nothing to me
    just my lies
    spilling out
    from inside
    Emotion...
    lost all meaning
    I feel no more pain
    nothing to gain
    I...
    don't exist now
    I've died inside
    my blood is dry
    why?
    why?
    I...wish you could see
    something wrong with me
    every night
    full of lies
    all I can say
    I've died inside
    I...want to cry
    Its hard when you feel no sadness
    Just...go away
    fly on by
    I have nothing to say
    Carpe Dium
    I've lost the day
    Why?
    Is it so hard to understand?
    I've traveled the land and now
    I live my life
    in this hide
    still alive
    yet dead inside.




    Submitted on 2005-12-19 17:30:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good poem. You have expressed your feelings well here. Perhaps a tad repetitious but overall I think you did a good job with this. I think lots of people can relate to this feeling. It is certainly not an easy one. I must admit, I got a bit of a smile with your description...the cold and all...hee hee! I feel blah when I get a cold and reading how you feel all emotionless was kinda funny to me...not sure why...maybe cause I picture this sick person, with Vicks vaporub on their chest, and a big red nose, talking funny cause they are all stuffed up and just being miserable to everyone. Hahaha! Anyway, I should be more serious, this is a serious poem, but I guess I am just in a good mood this morning. Overall, a good expression of emotions. And I like the format you have used with the short lines, it adds to the effect. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      this was really good actually the title was a bit abvius lol naw im kidding any way this was a great write its amazing how a little cold could bring this out. it was ab fab

    kbye
    that girl
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by sweet sorenity | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, this was good. i like how the lines were short and pretty much to the point. I like how you described tears as your lies...b/c that has so much strength behind it...and it is almost true...b/c tears come from pain...and if you feel dead, how can there be pain..
    ..so yea. this works well. i like this. there are a few changes i would make...such as very few repetitions...but it doesn't much matter. it all works out. Great work.

    -Nathan
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
      beautiful work Metal Heart74. i hate colds too. your poem-song thing is very good. i like how the lines are short to slow it down and remind people it's to be read slowly. somehting tells me it's not just the cold talking though. it sounds like you don't usualy have that much going on inside. i couldnt find any spelling mistakes in this. its a very interesting poem.
    keep on the keepin' on,
    mheracai
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by Saphire Twiligh | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this piece. I feel that this expresses more than the typical "woe is me" many people write (and that's their thing, I'm probably guilty of it too). This is truly expressing what you can't feel but want to. I think this relates to so many people. And I can definitely see this set to music. Good form, spelling and wording. I particularly loved the lines "Carpe Dium I've lost the day". Perhaps it's just the cold speaking, but this is an awesome piece. ~SirensSong~
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by SirensSong | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this song/poem because its something i would totally write. Honestly i can imagine this being a song as well as a poem it has a nice flow and i can just imagine someone sitting in a corner of a dark room with a guitar in hand blind and yet wide eyes open to the world as they sing this song to everything going wrong in their life. Beautiful piece

    andrea
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]


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