I really like this one. It reminds me of that song by Hall & Oats (remember them?) called "Man Eater". You know, "she only comes out at night", that sort of thing. I like the reference of the fat moon and I take it she's blonde? Beware of blondes. LOL This makes me think of a female werewolf. Maybe it's the mention of the forest, the night, the moon, the sharp teeth, etc? Good writing. Ive read this before and I still enjoy it.
Wow, even though it seems kind of boring to me, probably because I'm tired, it is very very descriptive, and very well written. I mean perfect in everyway. It's like another write I've read before but not really... so yeah... awesome write. THNX
ok! sounds nice at the beginning. Then your last 2 stanzas are totally off. It is like you lost inpiration or something.
I see that girl you have in mind is giving you a real hard time. 2 poems about a temptress!
But back to the poem now. Sleepy hollow rings a bell but cannot exactly remember what! Is it the town of Icabod Crane or however u spell the name?
Well the feel of the poem did not come out as creepy to me, but somehow as a mystic being representing all these women who take advantage of men.
I'd remove the line with which you started the poem and go right with the 1st stanza.
"Severnaya is a temptress Although a beautiful one for sure She seeks to feed on lovestruck boys and for her kiss you'll find no cure
Her sweet lips disguise her teeth and sharpish ones at that! My dear, beware the Severnaya When the moon is bright and fat!"
Saying that severnaya is a temptress is superfluous to me. Since you say she feeds on lovestruck boys, this allusion is enough.
I also suggest you find a different description for the moon from fat. It sort of gives the images of layers of belly rather than round. Not to mention that the word is dry and lack rhythm which affects your verse.
Y not combine those 2 stanzas actually?
Here's an example:
Her sweet lips disguise sharp teeth Severnaya is beautiful for sure She seeks to feed on lovestruck boys and for her kiss you'll find no cure
just a suggestion though, but to me it feels that combining the 2 last stanzas keeps the focus and the strength of your message.
Sincere thanks for the time you put into reading this Viviane, but I prefer the poem how it is. I like the reference to the moon being fat, it's kind of like an old world way of thinking about things. like back when children thought the moon was made of cheese and people thought they could see a mans face in the moon.
Very nice, kind of reminds me of a Brothers Grimm style fairy tale where there's always a message and a hidden beast. The flow of this was very smooth and I like the descriptives you used. I think I would've gone just a touch more into the eerie feel of the woods, but to each their own, right? lol Very nice write, Traci :)
i like the story in this poem. the best line in it was the skin like crisp champagne, that was definitely the high point of the poem. the only suggestion i have is maybe work the rhyme a little more, some parts it feels really forced and i think takes away from the poem a little, but it wasn't too distracting, because really the images are overwhleming.
First, may I thank you for your rendering of 'Another Christmas', you were right on, the 'Ya know' was right out of the picture and how people react when standing around talking over even a tradgic event. Then to this piece; I do believe every young girl/lady on the site who has had a crush on anyone is related to this Severnaya. And it appears that most of the younger boys just may be a brother, such as it be. LOVE is merely a word than has replaced passion or lust in todays world. This reminds me of what we used to call 'old wives tales' to scare the youth to deeply consider the acts that form the rest of a lifetime. Maybe she is real, maybe she is in everybody and them maybe- its just a story that has a teaching behind it. Either way, very interesting, and good reading. LATER.
I quite enjoyed that. I have a very photographic mind, well, it's probably more like a television. Anyway. The images were very strong, and the rhyme was good as well. And the story... very unique. I love the parts about the moon, and the repetition of the beginning and end. Well done!
I quite like this for its simple charm, the rhymes and the descriptive imagery. (I especially liked "Her hair like summer sunshine Her skin like crisp champagne"
The story itself is reminiscent of several ancient myths, but is rendered convincingly and with a light-hearted tone that will appeal to readers of all ages. (I tested it on my 12 year old granddaughter,-so I know whereof I speak)
Only one wee suggestion,-I didnt like the last line of this stanza-(the one with my favorite images) "Her hair like summer sunshine Her skin like crisp champagne But beware her heart is black! Steer away from this evil dame"
I thought the word "dame" wasn't in the right mood- and it sounded forced for the sake of the rhyme-I think you could improve the whole of the piece by building a line anew from another rhyming word== perhaps
Her hair like summer sunshine Her skin like crisp champagne But beware, —her heart is black! Seduction is her evil game! or Your heart and soul as hers she'll claim.
or something else-anything but "dame"
I liked a little break/rest also in the line "But beware, —her heart is black!", but that is just my preference. All in all, this was a quick moving delightful read, with an ominous dark overtone. Well Done Silver
Allright, this is probably pointless advice but, I would avoid telling people it is like the Brother Grimm, in fact I almost turned away from this after seeing that, but I gave it a chance, I thought I should say that. Just, don't take it too seriously, but noone I talked to liked it. BUT, that being said I am glad I didn't, cause I actually liked this piece. This was an older concept, I think-I dunno it reminds me of sirens, i think the sirens in the odyssey, which I never read, but weren't they temptresses who would crash ships. I dunno but it reminded me of that. But it felt original at the same time. Who was the girl, you know for future reference. Yeah, you nailed the fairy tale feel of this piece, and the first stanza set the background appropriately as well. I wouldn't change anything about this. It was really good. Metal Heart74
This was really good. You did a good job with the creepy effect. I liked the rhyming here, I am not a real big fan of it, but you did a good job. I like how you decribed the moon, very cool. The deception was also well done.
You wrote this really well, you are a very accomplished writer from what I have seen. Creative & has a great way of capturing the reader. Well done, take care ~jennifer
Holy cow dude. I love this poem. *Adds to favorites* I haven't really been reading poetry for a while now, and this is a great way to get me to read more, and practically welcome me back to eliteskills. I encourage you to keep writing. You totally nailed the rhyming, and actually came back to the first line in that last stanza, which rocked my world. I like this genre of poetry, all dark and mysterious, and I usually write when I have a girl in mind too. Anyway, I should probably go comment some more people, so I can post some new stuff, because yours kicks the crap out of my poetry and you've just started. Way to go! -Xochitle15
Awesome poem. I loved the whole dark and dreary tone to it. Also how you compare all the features through nature. I like poems that rhyme and yours did a good job at it. Seriously awesome poem, I really enjoyed it. Keep em coming. :)
This is another good poem by you! I am getting the feeling that this woman is the same one I have been reading about in your other poems. Geez, she sounds evil! So sorry you were hurt this way. Some people are just simply not kind and so self consumed that they fail to learn how to respect others. Fortunately when this happens, you learn valuable things that you can apply to the rest of your life. You have a good talent for writing! This is very well written and expressed. A spooky little tale you have told, almost humorous in some spots. Nothing here I can criticize. A really good poem. Take care.