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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Beware the Severnaya!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Senna27NZ
    ASL Info:    33/m/New Zealand-UK
    Elite Ratio:    5.42 - 251/184/26
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 2008
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 902



    Description:
       Any feedback is welcomed. Pretty new at this. I wrote this with a girl in mind, but it's meant to have like a Sleepy Hollow kind of feel to it. Creepy old fairy tale sorta thing.

    Thanks for your time, Jay.

    *** Thanks to Silverdog for pointing out how crap one of the stanzas was. I hope it's now changed for the better.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeware the Severnaya!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Beware the Severnaya my dear, when the moon is fat!

    When the moon is high and bright
    and snow adorns the ground
    There is a woman of the night
    When yonder moon is big and round

    With hair like summer sunshine
    and eyes like candle flame
    She hunts amidst the pines:
    Young hearts she seeks to claim

    Do not wander fields nor forest
    Trespass not through her domain
    Lest you fall victim to her charms
    and for curiosity be slain

    Pay no heed to windy whispers
    Do not gaze into her eyes!
    You'll taste this night your salty tears
    Your heart imprisoned by her lies

    Her sweet lips disguise her teeth
    and sharpish ones at that!

    My dear, beware the Severnaya, when the moon is bright and fat!








    Submitted on 2005-12-19 18:56:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this one. It reminds me of that song by Hall & Oats (remember them?) called "Man Eater". You know, "she only comes out at night", that sort of thing.
    I like the reference of the fat moon and I take it she's blonde? Beware of blondes. LOL
    This makes me think of a female werewolf. Maybe it's the mention of the forest, the night, the moon, the sharp teeth, etc?
    Good writing. Ive read this before and I still enjoy it.
    | Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, even though it seems kind of boring to me, probably because I'm tired, it is very very descriptive, and very well written. I mean perfect in everyway. It's like another write I've read before but not really... so yeah... awesome write. THNX

    - Nammy

    P.S. I'm faving it.
    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
      Great mystical atmosphere you write ...impressed with your rhyme scheme. And see the need to use "When the moon is bright and fat!" to begin and end this poem. `always write poetry, Cheryl.
    | Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]
      ok!
    sounds nice at the beginning. Then your last 2 stanzas are totally off. It is like you lost inpiration or something.

    I see that girl you have in mind is giving you a real hard time. 2 poems about a temptress!

    But back to the poem now.
    Sleepy hollow rings a bell but cannot exactly remember what! Is it the town of Icabod Crane or however u spell the name?

    Well the feel of the poem did not come out as creepy to me, but somehow as a mystic being representing all these women who take advantage of men.

    I'd remove the line with which you started the poem and go right with the 1st stanza.

    "Severnaya is a temptress
    Although a beautiful one for sure
    She seeks to feed on lovestruck boys
    and for her kiss you'll find no cure

    Her sweet lips disguise her teeth
    and sharpish ones at that!
    My dear, beware the Severnaya
    When the moon is bright and fat!"

    Saying that severnaya is a temptress is superfluous to me. Since you say she feeds on lovestruck boys, this allusion is enough.

    I also suggest you find a different description for the moon from fat. It sort of gives the images of layers of belly rather than round. Not to mention that the word is dry and lack rhythm which affects your verse.

    Y not combine those 2 stanzas actually?

    Here's an example:

    Her sweet lips disguise sharp teeth
    Severnaya is beautiful for sure
    She seeks to feed on lovestruck boys
    and for her kiss you'll find no cure

    just a suggestion though, but to me it feels that combining the 2 last stanzas keeps the focus and the strength of your message.

    Hoping that my comment would be of help!

    Peace
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sincere thanks for the time you put into reading this Viviane, but I prefer the poem how it is. I like the reference to the moon being fat, it's kind of like an old world way of thinking about things. like back when children thought the moon was made of cheese and people thought they could see a mans face in the moon.

    anyway, I appreciate your efforts.

    Jay
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice, kind of reminds me of a Brothers Grimm style fairy tale where there's always a message and a hidden beast.
    The flow of this was very smooth and I like the descriptives you used. I think I would've gone just a touch more into the eerie feel of the woods, but to each their own, right? lol Very nice write,
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the story in this poem. the best line in it was the skin like crisp champagne, that was definitely the high point of the poem. the only suggestion i have is maybe work the rhyme a little more, some parts it feels really forced and i think takes away from the poem a little, but it wasn't too distracting, because really the images are overwhleming.
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by colerinja | [ Reply to This ]
      First, may I thank you for your rendering of 'Another Christmas', you were right on, the 'Ya know' was right out of the picture and how people react when standing around talking over even a tradgic event.
    Then to this piece;
    I do believe every young girl/lady on the site who has had a crush on anyone is related to this Severnaya. And it appears that most of the younger boys just may be a brother, such as it be.
    LOVE is merely a word than has replaced passion or lust in todays world.
    This reminds me of what we used to call 'old wives tales' to scare the youth to deeply consider the acts that form the rest of a lifetime.
    Maybe she is real, maybe she is in everybody and them maybe- its just a story that has a teaching behind it.
    Either way, very interesting, and good reading.
    LATER.
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      I quite enjoyed that. I have a very photographic mind, well, it's probably more like a television. Anyway. The images were very strong, and the rhyme was good as well. And the story... very unique. I love the parts about the moon, and the repetition of the beginning and end. Well done!

    {Kate}
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
      I quite like this for its simple charm, the rhymes and the descriptive imagery. (I especially liked "Her hair like summer sunshine
    Her skin like crisp champagne
    "

    The story itself is reminiscent of several ancient myths, but is rendered convincingly and with a light-hearted tone that will appeal to readers of all ages. (I tested it on my 12 year old granddaughter,-so I know whereof I speak)

    Only one wee suggestion,-I didnt like the last line of this stanza-(the one with my favorite images)
    "Her hair like summer sunshine
    Her skin like crisp champagne
    But beware her heart is black!
    Steer away from this evil dame"

    I thought the word "dame" wasn't in the right mood- and it sounded forced for the sake of the rhyme-I think you could improve the whole of the piece by building a line anew from another rhyming word== perhaps

    Her hair like summer sunshine
    Her skin like crisp champagne
    But beware, —her heart is black!
    Seduction is her evil game!
    or
    Your heart and soul as hers she'll claim.

    or something else-anything but "dame"

    I liked a little break/rest also in the line "But beware, —her heart is black!", but that is just my preference. All in all, this was a quick moving delightful read, with an ominous dark overtone. Well Done
    Silver
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Allright, this is probably pointless advice but, I would avoid telling people it is like the Brother Grimm, in fact I almost turned away from this after seeing that, but I gave it a chance, I thought I should say that. Just, don't take it too seriously, but noone I talked to liked it.
    BUT, that being said I am glad I didn't, cause I actually liked this piece. This was an older concept, I think-I dunno it reminds me of sirens, i think the sirens in the odyssey, which I never read, but weren't they temptresses who would crash ships. I dunno but it reminded me of that. But it felt original at the same time. Who was the girl, you know for future reference. Yeah, you nailed the fairy tale feel of this piece, and the first stanza set the background appropriately as well. I wouldn't change anything about this. It was really good.
    Metal Heart74
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Metal Heart74 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really good. You did a good job with the creepy effect.
    I liked the rhyming here, I am not a real big fan of it, but you did a good job.
    I like how you decribed the moon, very cool.
    The deception was also well done.

    You wrote this really well, you are a very accomplished writer from what I have seen.
    Creative & has a great way of capturing the reader.
    Well done,
    take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Holy cow dude. I love this poem. *Adds to favorites* I haven't really been reading poetry for a while now, and this is a great way to get me to read more, and practically welcome me back to eliteskills. I encourage you to keep writing. You totally nailed the rhyming, and actually came back to the first line in that last stanza, which rocked my world. I like this genre of poetry, all dark and mysterious, and I usually write when I have a girl in mind too. Anyway, I should probably go comment some more people, so I can post some new stuff, because yours kicks the crap out of my poetry and you've just started. Way to go!
    -Xochitle15
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by Xochitle15 | [ Reply to This ]
      Awesome poem. I loved the whole dark and dreary tone to it. Also how you compare all the features through nature. I like poems that rhyme and yours did a good job at it. Seriously awesome poem, I really enjoyed it. Keep em coming. :)

    Meg
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is another good poem by you! I am getting the feeling that this woman is the same one I have been reading about in your other poems. Geez, she sounds evil! So sorry you were hurt this way. Some people are just simply not kind and so self consumed that they fail to learn how to respect others. Fortunately when this happens, you learn valuable things that you can apply to the rest of your life. You have a good talent for writing! This is very well written and expressed. A spooky little tale you have told, almost humorous in some spots. Nothing here I can criticize. A really good poem. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]


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