[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Sickness in the Raftersdots

    Author: Red_reaper
    ASL Info:    14/f/inside a blueberry
    Elite Ratio:    5.94 - 143/76/20
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Rant/Angry
    Total Views: 1089
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 413

       Very basic, something I never really liked.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSickness in the Raftersdots

    People murmer and whisper
    Spreading their thoughts
    She's doomed you know
    Won't live past twenty
    So she writes all over her arms
    Piercings cover her body
    Pulls out her hairs one bye one
    Won't live past twenty

    People all die eventually
    But they try to make bodies last
    But you never know
    They might not live past 10

    Submitted on 2005-12-19 19:08:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Please accept my apologies for my misinterpretation of this piece. When I read it, I dont see that she is ill or diseased... I imagine a girl who is not afraid of life, one who takes risks and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants too. And, its the cowardly people around her who say she wont live past 20, because they cant believe how unafraid of death she is... thats how I understood it, but I realise now that this was not your intention. I still think this is a great piece, but I think if you are tackling the idea of a girl who is terminally ill, it could do with a bit more detail, a bit more depth - just to even touch on the seriousness of the subject... just my opinion. Sugar xx
    | Posted on 2005-12-30 00:00:00 | by Sugar | [ Reply to This ]
      I love that. It's different (in a good way). My favorite part is:

    "So she writes all over her arms
    Piercings cover her body
    Pulls out her hairs one bye one
    Won't live past twenty"

    The title is awesome too. That's what made me want to read it. It sounded like it would be creative, and it is. Very nicely done

    | Posted on 2005-12-29 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this, and can also relate completely! I kinda connected this piece with my poem "That Girl" - its as though we are writing about the same little minx! Check it out if you get chance - this was a great read.
    | Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by Sugar | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it and it felt kinda original to me. Yeah, I agree that it was a little closed, but otherwise it was really awesome. I'm adding it to my favorite's list because I can relate to it A LOT!
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm it seemed a little.. closed. you know what i mean? like there was basically no room to expand on it at all. not that thats bad it just seemed...like there wasnt any need for opinion it just is what it is no more no less no imagination.
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    AI written by poetotoe
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    Summer written by layDsayD
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Push written by JanePlane
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Fasade written by jackz
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]