Description: Very basic, something I never really liked.
Sickness in the Rafters -------------------------------------------
People murmer and whisper
Spreading their thoughts
She's doomed you know
Won't live past twenty
So she writes all over her arms
Piercings cover her body
Pulls out her hairs one bye one
Won't live past twenty
People all die eventually
But they try to make bodies last
But you never know
They might not live past 10
Please accept my apologies for my misinterpretation of this piece. When I read it, I dont see that she is ill or diseased... I imagine a girl who is not afraid of life, one who takes risks and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants too. And, its the cowardly people around her who say she wont live past 20, because they cant believe how unafraid of death she is... thats how I understood it, but I realise now that this was not your intention. I still think this is a great piece, but I think if you are tackling the idea of a girl who is terminally ill, it could do with a bit more detail, a bit more depth - just to even touch on the seriousness of the subject... just my opinion. Sugar xx
I enjoyed this, and can also relate completely! I kinda connected this piece with my poem "That Girl" - its as though we are writing about the same little minx! Check it out if you get chance - this was a great read.
I liked it and it felt kinda original to me. Yeah, I agree that it was a little closed, but otherwise it was really awesome. I'm adding it to my favorite's list because I can relate to it A LOT!
hmm it seemed a little.. closed. you know what i mean? like there was basically no room to expand on it at all. not that thats bad it just seemed...like there wasnt any need for opinion it just is what it is no more no less no imagination.
Submission Name: Sickness in the Rafters
