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Disjecta Membra


Author: darkness
ASL Info:    19/F/my own world
Elite Ratio:    1.84 - 524 /218 /40
Words: 112
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1645
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 878



Description:


many a thanks to Treybur for helping me fix this poem


Disjecta Membra



My eyes closed
I fall
floating through the clouds
r
e
l
a
x
i
n
g
in utter bliss

let life wither
slip through my fingers
fading.....

moving in slow motion
time stops.
never to return

Death awaits below patiantly
as i fall
in this moment of peace
thoughts stop
my problems are a blur
pause

I'm falling even faster now
subject to gravity
soul seperating from body
falling

I'm burning
a cannonball NOW
peacefully bursting to flames
I'm dieing
my blood and bones crying
wishing I was nothing
I fly to the ground
and I cr.....

my remains have been scattered.




Submitted on 2005-12-19 19:45:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like the "my remains have been scattered" line. It fits quite nicely with, well, "going splat".

There's a spelling error it's "patiently", but it's not a big deal.

I don't think "peacefully" fits very well with "bursting into flames". It seems rather odd.

I think my favorite part is "Let life wither / slip through my fingers / fading".

It's also kind of odd to have "NOW" capitalized like that. I'd try to work it into its own line if you want it to have some kind of special significance.
| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
  it's awesome, better each time i've read it. but, and i mean this only to help...you have got to get rid of "smack!". it is just way out of place and is a huge stain on an otherwise spotless piece of writing. i have an idea in mind, and if you're interested let me know and i'll p.m. you, otay?
| Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
  Cool title! Scattered remains... I'll have to remember that one. I think you corny poems are the ones that are G - O -R - G - E - O - U - S - ! h a h a h a h a h a... i think they're still hurrrr. I can hear their voices. hmmmm... did you know that your corny poems are the best. lol. whatev fooooooo...

omg... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

< Unperfect 3
| Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by UnPerfect | [ Reply to This ]
  i love how this poem gives you the feeling of falling. all the way through the poem it felt as if i was falling with you. great write.
-brandon
| Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by Leon Kennedy | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this poem because i think it has a lot of meaning and depth. i like the lines 'I'm dieing,
my blood and bones flying' especialy. you have a few spelling errors, but i always do to! the only thing that i didnt like about this poem is the '.....s' i HATE it when people put more than 3 full stops in a row, but thats just me. lol
---Elisa xoxo
| Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by prittee1 | [ Reply to This ]


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