My eyes closed
I fall
floating through the clouds
r
e
l
a
x
i
n
g
in utter bliss
let life wither
slip through my fingers
fading.....
moving in slow motion
time stops.
never to return
Death awaits below patiantly
as i fall
in this moment of peace
thoughts stop
my problems are a blur
pause
I'm falling even faster now
subject to gravity
soul seperating from body
falling
I'm burning
a cannonball NOW
peacefully bursting to flames
I'm dieing
my blood and bones crying
wishing I was nothing
I fly to the ground
and I cr.....
I like the "my remains have been scattered" line. It fits quite nicely with, well, "going splat".
There's a spelling error it's "patiently", but it's not a big deal.
I don't think "peacefully" fits very well with "bursting into flames". It seems rather odd.
I think my favorite part is "Let life wither / slip through my fingers / fading".
It's also kind of odd to have "NOW" capitalized like that. I'd try to work it into its own line if you want it to have some kind of special significance.
it's awesome, better each time i've read it. but, and i mean this only to help...you have got to get rid of "smack!". it is just way out of place and is a huge stain on an otherwise spotless piece of writing. i have an idea in mind, and if you're interested let me know and i'll p.m. you, otay?
Cool title! Scattered remains... I'll have to remember that one. I think you corny poems are the ones that are G - O -R - G - E - O - U - S - ! h a h a h a h a h a... i think they're still hurrrr. I can hear their voices. hmmmm... did you know that your corny poems are the best. lol. whatev fooooooo...
i like this poem because i think it has a lot of meaning and depth. i like the lines 'I'm dieing, my blood and bones flying' especialy. you have a few spelling errors, but i always do to! the only thing that i didnt like about this poem is the '.....s' i HATE it when people put more than 3 full stops in a row, but thats just me. lol ---Elisa xoxo
Submission Name: Disjecta Membra
