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My eyes closed
floating through the clouds
in utter bliss
let life wither
slip through my fingers
moving in slow motion
never to return
Death awaits below patiantly
as i fall
in this moment of peace
my problems are a blur
I'm falling even faster now
subject to gravity
soul seperating from body
a cannonball NOW
peacefully bursting to flames
my blood and bones crying
wishing I was nothing
I fly to the ground
and I cr.....
my remains have been scattered.
| I like the "my remains have been scattered" line. It fits quite nicely with, well, "going splat".|
There's a spelling error it's "patiently", but it's not a big deal.
I don't think "peacefully" fits very well with "bursting into flames". It seems rather odd.
I think my favorite part is "Let life wither / slip through my fingers / fading".
It's also kind of odd to have "NOW" capitalized like that. I'd try to work it into its own line if you want it to have some kind of special significance.
|| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ] || it's awesome, better each time i've read it. but, and i mean this only to help...you have got to get rid of "smack!". it is just way out of place and is a huge stain on an otherwise spotless piece of writing. i have an idea in mind, and if you're interested let me know and i'll p.m. you, otay?||| Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ] || Cool title! Scattered remains... I'll have to remember that one. I think you corny poems are the ones that are G - O -R - G - E - O - U - S - ! h a h a h a h a h a... i think they're still hurrrr. I can hear their voices. hmmmm... did you know that your corny poems are the best. lol. whatev fooooooo...|
< Unperfect 3
|| Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by UnPerfect | [ Reply to This ] || i love how this poem gives you the feeling of falling. all the way through the poem it felt as if i was falling with you. great write.|
|| Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by Leon Kennedy | [ Reply to This ] || i like this poem because i think it has a lot of meaning and depth. i like the lines 'I'm dieing,|
my blood and bones flying' especialy. you have a few spelling errors, but i always do to! the only thing that i didnt like about this poem is the '.....s' i HATE it when people put more than 3 full stops in a row, but thats just me. lol
|| Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by prittee1 | [ Reply to This ] |