Something by Tarek Refaat

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Submission Name: Something dots

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Author:	Tarek Refaat
ASL Info:	24/m/Egypt
Elite Ratio:	2.66 - 370/508/212
Words:	179

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	201
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1125

Description:

Something dots

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Something

Something on my mind
Something in my heart
Something in my spirit
That floats in every breath I take
In every move I make
In every action I take

Some things
I will never be able to completely say
Debts I will never be able to pay
Because I know I’m not here to stay

To all of you I know
To all of you, you know
You have all affected my life
You have all walked in
You all shaped my past
Affected my present
And will reflect in my future

For all of you I say
Thank You
For all of you I say
Am Sorry
For all of you I say
If it weren’t for you
I wouldn’t be who I’m today

And I will never forget
Who you are
And what you did
You, the ones who walked into my life
For seconds
Or years
You, the ones who walked into my life
Yesterday,
Long time ago

You are there
Somewhere special
Because you all mean something.

Submitted on 2005-12-20 05:16:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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||| Comments |||
  This sounds like a pretty honest piece but it's far, far too literal. You don't need to lead me by the hand.
I think I'd really like to see you write something similar to this in the format of an actual letter instead of typical poetic structure....
At the same time, if these were lyrics to a song, then my critiques might be fewer.
I will say that the final line is really, really good ('Because you all mean something'). An extremely strong ending, I've read it several times since first typing out this feedback...
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Corvettlaufer | [ Reply to This ]
  This didn't flow as well as it should with the rhyming kind of faltering here and there but it was still pretty good. The piece was simple yet dealt with a real subject matter. People always affect even those who only spent a short time in your life have impacted on you as a person. You brought that out nicely. Good job.

Peace,
Jermaine.
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the repetitions of something...something, etc.
Perhaps you should carry it out throughout the poem. Three somethings, three "for all of you..."etc.

Even though it's a poem, pay attention to punctuation!

Pay attention to rythym so that the reader remembers the tune later on
...
"Because I know I’m not here to stay"

would flow off the tounge more smothly as...
"Because I am not here to stay"
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
  This is reall nice, though bumpy at the end. I really like the repetition in this, each stanza unique, and standing on its own. Not bad and keep up your good work. (Though I only read two. )
I've been pretty down, so my recent works would perhaps be pretty dark. If you wanna see the brighter side of my work, feel free to see the first few.
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by RyukiTZR | [ Reply to This ]

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