Fake Smile by RyukiTZR

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Submission Name: Fake Smile dots

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Author:	RyukiTZR
ASL Info:	14/F/-
Elite Ratio:	3.94 - 133/130/44
Words:	102

Class/Type:	Poetry/Venting
Total Views:	331
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	665

Description:

Fake Smile dots

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Thanks to those taunts,
I get my faces muscles tense.
I know my fake smile haunts.
And you guys are really dense.

Pushing me around,
Well, that's really nice of you.
Cause when you see a fake smile,
Hope you get that clue.

How I get round things,
Is easy as one, two, three.
So once you wonder what my fake smile brings,
Will you get tied to the tree.

So if you sincerely want some trouble,
Push me now,
And I'll be there on the double.
Get my fake smile,
And trust me,

THE PAIN'S REALLY WORTHWHILE.

Submitted on 2005-12-20 07:59:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is a good topic to write about.Honestly I think it was a little forces,ryhme and flow were off,and it could be a bit better.Take my advice and keep on writing because you will get better.Just keep at it.

->CandacE<-
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by ArtichokeMosher | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a pretty good poem, i found the rhyming to be forced throughout the piece really and that was somewhat distracting and a little immature *reads your profile* hmm but considering your age range it's not bad at all., it's better than anything i ever wrote at your age.

Peace,
Jermaine.
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
  this is like a day in the park / just waiting for some1 to kill you with a feather / you loom around with a fake smile / and the trashing you get - in a fant way keeps you from flying away / it's almost like a riddle / like a game of try'n'true

all in all this is out of space with anything i've read so far / it really takes its own road / and has it's head up high as it does. my fav line is:

Pushing me around,
Well, that's really nice of you.

Janus
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by J W I | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is pretty good for your age category.
One thing I did notice is your 12th line- It's in question form but there's no question mark...was that intentional or was there a reason? This piece could use a little editing with some sentences such as:
Thanks to those taunts,
(My face starts to tense) &
Because when you see (my) fake smile
I hope you get a clue
How I get around things
It's as easy as one, two, three
Small incomplete words such as 'cause' instead of because & 'round' in place of around seem to make this piece feel incomplete. You have talent that will grow with your age & it shows. Please don't get me wrong on that. I just prefer a more polished piece. Thank you for sharing your poem:)
~Tonya
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
  OK. this is an ok poem, but some of the rhyming is forced and it doesn't really sound real. See if you were to fix the rhyme scheme a little it would be a very nice poem. You should also add in sensory detail like how you felt or rather how the character felt in these situations and why was there always a fake smile upon the persons face? There are many elements to a poem and you could certainly add in some metaphors to tell how that person felt and or even some silimies. I don't know if this information will help you but I hope that it does. Keep up the work.
~Krystina~
| Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by takenspiritwind | [ Reply to This ]

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