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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sea of Despairdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Senna27NZ
    ASL Info:    33/m/New Zealand-UK
    Elite Ratio:    5.42 - 251/184/26
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1570
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 348



    Description:
       I feel quite strongly about keeping this one short, but any comments would be appreciated! thanks for your time.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSea of Despairdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Drift all your life from year to year
    For a love to call your own
    You found a girl that was never there
    And like none you'll ever know

    Her words sang you to shipwreck
    Her heart was made of stone
    So write your poems of pure despair
    But they’ll make you more alone






    Submitted on 2005-12-20 08:24:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      <3 Loved it. Short, simple, and sweet! Favorites for sure, I think the rhyming is what got me.
    But, I have noticed... you write a lot about love, so are you madly in love with someone and cant get over the idea of it, or longing for love?

    I am neither, which may not make sense knowing me and my passion for love and what comes along with it, but I am stuck in life and very exhausted and confused.

    I guess whatever happens... happens.

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-04-17 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello. I know that this was written long ago but the title captured my attention so I thought I should read it. I am glad that I did. I loved it and it was almost as if the poem were a siren song, warning a lost sailor that the path he was about to embark upon would be full of loneliness, despair and that tempests would challenge his way. I like that it is short because it is short but to the point.

    Drift all your life, from sea to sea
    For a girl as pure as snow
    You found a love that was never there
    And like none you’ll ever know

    How many times have we found love and thought that it was true love? How many times have we searched for a mirage, something that was never love? The perfect person, companion, soul and heart. Love is something that can be found at every corner of the world. Just because you weren't love once doesn't mean that you won't be loved again.

    Her words sang you to shipwreck
    Her heart was made of stone
    So write your poems of pure despair
    But they’ll make you more alone

    I like this reference to the girl as a siren. It sets a nice imagery. Again I can imagine a lost soul looking for the tranquility that a wild storm left. For left is after all like a hurricane and it isn't until we find the sun that we learn that going through that tempest was well worth it.
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the shortness of this piece. Some of the greatest poems are those of few words.

    The title fits the write and is what drew me to this when I first read it a few weeks ago. And the poem itself held my attention as well. So I decided to come back and comment (took long enough, I know).

    I like the "drifting at sea for a girl as pure as snow" .. but I think the last word in that stanza would sound better as "know" instead of "own". But that's just my opinion. It's okay as is.

    "Her words sang you to shipwreck" is a pretty great line..and holds to the theme.

    Nice work! I enjoyed.
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jay,

    This is the first time i ever liked a piece as short as this. You made your point and you made it clear and you made it short. You've given so many images in one sentence alone. that's amazing. for the few minutes that i read this (i think a minute and a half), it drew me closer to something i have never realized before. Writing things does not make you feel any better, it just makes you realize things more clearly and you are not free from it as you think you are...it's always there with you.

    Anyhow, thanks for sharing this. It was wonderful in its own wonder.

    take care...Irina
    | Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem was so powerful. My girlfriend and I were sitting here and going through poems that we thought would be cool to make fun of and when we came to yours we had to stop. This poem has received my Highest Personal Approval "OD" which means Ocean Deep. This poem is very well written.

    Thank you for your time

    From
    Ghost Child
    and
    Sheri Stancil
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by Ghost Child | [ Reply to This ]
      Ohhh this is a sad but lovely poem. I like your style. This poem is very well written and expressed and I agree with you, I dont think it needs anymore than what you have here. It is short but says so much and the longing here is very good. Love can be a most painful experience and some people really seem as if their heart was made of stone...I have met a few myself. This is a very good write. Nice work. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      That was just, I dunno what to say. I say this alot, I like stuff that is short and sweet, and this, in my eyes (which i have been told lately are those of a 5 year olds) was no exception to the rule. I agree with you, this piece is short, and that how it should be. THe first stanza, it was well crafted and did its job. I uhh.. disagree with the comment on changing the wording in the second line, No offense Jeniffer, but I like it better the way it is.
    The second stanza is where the heart of the piece really comes through with shining colors, or flailing colors I dunno. But your message was strong and well, I was gonna say true but I don't agree, I see poetry as a good healing excercise. But this isn't mine its yours and that just really stiicks out to me the most.
    This was really good, don't change it is my advice. Uh...welcome to Elite Skills too, oh and watch yourself, there are some rhyming fascists on this website. take care.
    Metal Heart74
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Metal Heart74 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, I really like your sing-songy rhyme and rhythm, especially in the second stanza! That one was perfect, but the first one needs some work. I;d suggest giving the wording a more unique twist. "from ocean to ocean" could be changed to, " from sea to sea". It just seems to sound better. The last line of the first stanza get's the point across, but the middle line just seems a little ackward.
    Here's a totally randomly worded revise:

    "Drift all your life from sea to sea,
    for a girl who shines like snow;
    to find a love that was never there
    and like none you'll ever know"

    Better?
    :)
    ~jen~
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that the length of the poem was perfect. Strong words kept it very captivating. I read it twice to get the full effect.
    I really liked how decribed untrue love, it was simple. It was just raw feelings.
    Then you have the feelings of being alone, you left it on a very linguring note.
    Keeps you wondering.
    Really well done, again.
    Take care
    & keep writing, I'll keep reading.
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds as if you've heard the siren song of idealism (at least in regard to love) and managed to avoid the shipwreck so many have called a relationship. Frankly, I think every 'unrequited love' post on this site should consider the realities of life you've listed before spiraling downward into hopeless depression. Nicely done. Welcome aboard the good ship ES. Bill.
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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