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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Suicidal Tendancies [1]dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BrokenAngel
    ASL Info:    21/F/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 179/157/47
    Words: 178
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1064
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1163



    Description:
       This is...Kinda random...I'm writing this during a class, and as kind of a note to self it's 10am 12/20/05...Anyways any thoughts are welcome!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSuicidal Tendancies [1]dots
    -------------------------------------------


    When I said I love the dark
    You laughed at my dreams
    You never understood when I
    Told you everything's as it seems
    Not looking closely at the shadows
    You missed the deepest part of me
    Underneath this happy face
    It's something you will not see

    When love is torn asunder
    And darkness creeps on in
    You learn to cry yourself to sleep
    In this world of sin

    Holding close my memories
    Of everything I love
    I welcome here this sweet disgrace
    Of a fallen dove
    No longer trying to stay myself
    And to hide from the world
    I start to show my true beliefs
    And so I am unfurled

    When love is torn asunder
    And darkness creeps on in
    You learn to cry yourself to sleep
    In this world of sin

    Learning now to love myself
    And how to stay so true
    To everything that I hold dear
    Working through this taboo
    I'm understanding everyday
    A new reason for life
    It doesn't matter where I'm at
    I can always find a knife...




    Submitted on 2005-12-20 09:06:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      First of all - awesome title! Though I'm not a big fan of your numerous 1, 2, 3...etc... poems...

    But anyway:

    I don’t understand why you said “When I said I love the dark/You laughed at my dreams.” I know what you’re saying and I think it sounds cool, but why would whoever you were speaking to laugh at your dreams when you said you love the dark? Do your dreams involve darkness? Are you planning on spending your life in some dark place?

    In the same stanza, you say “You never understood when I/Told you everything is as it seems,” as if you were telling this other person (I’m just gonna say “him”) that all that is happening within you is what he can see. Then you go on to say “Not looking closely at the shadows/You missed the deepest part of me,” and I’m like wha..? I thought your feelings were on the surface, now you say they are missed so deep inside. Perhaps you mean that he didn’t believe your lie that you were fine, but he didn’t look inside to see that you weren’t either.

    The repetition of:

    When love is torn asunder
    And darkness creeps on in
    You learn to cry yourself to sleep
    In this world of sin

    is great. For some reason that I can’t say or maybe no reason at all. I like it.

    The line “Of a fallen dove”... are you saying that you were once so lovely and sure, but now you are “falling” into...badness?

    Ok, I really don’t get how you said “No longer trying to stay myself/And to hide from the world” because if you were “hiding from the world” you would not be being yourself. LoL. I think you could change it to “No longer hiding who I am/Hiding from the world.”

    Taboo: a social or religious custom prohibiting or restricting a particular practice or forbidding association with a particular person, place or thing. It also means things like “limitation, restriction, prohibition...” anyway, I’m sure you get the point. I don’t think it’s quite the right word to use here. Besides, “through, taboo” sounds like kinda funky.

    As for the ending, it totally sucks and I just can’t think of a way to fix it. JUST KIDDING! I like it, and I think that maybe you’re realizing that life is worth living “a new reason for life” then you say “I can always find a knife...” WOW, you crazy person. But it’s goooood.

    So there we go. Thanks for coming back so I can comment!

    -Cari
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
      Most emo poem ever. Well, not quite, but close. I've been down a lot of the same roads that you have. I know the feelings, and I really felt you here. But you know, you always have a choice, in everything you do.

    Like they say, it's always darkest just before the dawn. Perservere, and things will start to look up for you.

    Grow strong Raven,
    Vanessa
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Zabriel | [ Reply to This ]
      hey this was great i enjoyed it word for word
    a perfect explanation to end ones life or why someone feels lost as the person you write about i think we have all had these times so people go thru with their intentionof ending and others find the strength from within to carry on i am glad i did
    the ones that hurt you you leave behind and the ones that help you you keep at arms distance
    great write and great post
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this was a great read. The flow was amazing and the format I think really complimented the piece. I could see you are very passionate through your writing but i donnt think cutting yourself or attempting suicide is the way to go instead of letting the situation get the best of you try attacking it head on.

    Hopeful,
    Jermaine.
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      good write / good write/ this poem for me is a trainreck in slow motion / you see yourself falling but you can't stay up / this poem / has a light of gray that stands out amoung the blue that we all want to swim in . i love the line :

    And darkness creeps on in

    keep writing / and dont drink !

    Janus
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by J W I | [ Reply to This ]


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