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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Cheatdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Senna27NZ
    ASL Info:    33/m/New Zealand-UK
    Elite Ratio:    5.42 - 251/184/26
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1399
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 904



    Description:
       Any feedback appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Cheatdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She lies through her teeth, yet she stands tall
    A deaf ear she turns to Truth’s clarion call
    He offered to share, his heart and his bed
    Only to find that he shares her instead

    She schemed up the lies, to hold it together
    Then realised those she lied to were clever
    Now truth is out and the hurt will not heal
    He finds second best is so far from ideal

    Her lies have all failed and left her distraught
    Too late to play innocent; now she’s been caught
    Her mind takes pictures of todays bitter view;
    Frozen reminders of truth overdue

    As she stands by the door, no longer Miss Clever
    One evening of lust will now haunt her forever
    She begs forgiveness and speaks of her soul that is sighing
    But he could never forget; there’s no point in her trying







    Submitted on 2005-12-20 18:49:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a really good poem, for those who have been cheated on they can relate to the hint of frustration revealed in the first line “She lies through her teeth, yet she stands tall”. It’s telling the reader that she doesn’t feel ashamed or guilty for what she’s doing, and doesn’t really care what she’s putting someone else through.

    “She dreamed up the lies, to hold it together
    Then realised those she lied to were clever”

    This gives the reader an image of a big web of lies, you tell one lie and you have to keep telling more and more to cover it. The use of the word “dreamed” makes her appear devious and cunning as if she’s kind of enjoying the whole thing.

    “Her lies have all failed and left her distraught
    Too late to play innocent; now she’s been caught
    Her mind takes pictures of todays bitter view
    Like a frozen reminder of truth overdue”

    I like this verse, it pleases the reader to know that justice has been served and a lesson has possibly been taught. She now knows what it feels like to be hurt, and then the line “one evening of lust will now haunt her forever” sums it up perfectly.

    I’ve read this over trying to look for something to critique but I can’t find anything. If I were you I wouldn’t change anything, it’s perfect like it is. Good write!

    Linzi xx
    | Posted on 2007-01-06 00:00:00 | by Linzi | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done, it gets its message across quite well, starting from his perspective, and then telling her sordid and tragic story.

    The rhyme seems s teensy bit forced now and then (polaroid too fo one) but overall, I rather fancied this.

    Excellent, I'll read more

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      "A frozen reminder of what deceit can do" This is outstanding. I hope you've never been cheated on, as I have. It hurts, and the lies are true up until the second they get caught. The only critques I can offer is word flow. The words syllabically don't match, however, this may have been you intention. Good luck, good poem.

    Twila
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Twila | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good! Really very good! You have expressed this one so very well and your words just add so much power and emphasis to the point here. Some people really suck, I have learned that one myself, and trusting is very hard for this very reason. So many people have no problem being dishonest. I take pride in being honest, as I always want to be treated the way I treat others...although that doesnt always happen. At least in this one, she was caught for the liar that she is and he is free to live his life and find someone who would be more worthy of his love. I really like your style. I think I have read all you have posted now so ya better hurry up and write some more! haha! Another really good poem by you! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Wonderful poem, I loved it to the end. You have great rhymes and it all just flows together so well.
    I like poems like this, were they're deep and true, cuz so many people go through problems like these and understand them so well. I definetly agree that liars and cheaters should get the worst end of the deal for they pain/hurt they've caused.
    Really great write, I enjoyed it so much.

    Meg
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an excellent poem, It's powerful, really punchy! It makes the mind tick and emotions run high when you read it. Really good job. The only thing I would say is the rhyming falls down a little in the last stanza, I think there are a few unnecessary words in it, but because the poem itself is so good, I don't think it matters that too much. Great job!
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
      what a tangled web we models weve when at first we start to decieve! sorry that saying goes well - i think this is a great peice that brings up some serious subject matter - i think you did a lovely job at keeping it flowing with the write word choice - good job!
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Thirst4Serenity | [ Reply to This ]
      Actually this was a very concise view of an age old problem from the perspective of an unrepentant liar who knows it's probably too late to change not only the story, but the outcome. I'd consider exploring more forms of poetry (different styles, subject matter, rhyme schemes, unrhymed verse, etc.) and pushing the envelope with every write. A nice beginning to what is hoped to be a long career. Best wishes. Bill.
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! Yes! Ahh! Well I am only a teen so-well lets just say it would be unlikely this would happen to me. But in any case, if it did. Well first that is the punishment I would wich upoin her. I know it seems cruel, but so is what I would wich upon her. "One evening of lust will now haunt her forever" THat was just, such great poetry right there. Seriously this is just so well written. My advice, as crappy as it is, don't change a thing. THis piece makes a statement and changing it would change the statement. I'm sorry I can't give any more advoce, but that is one thing I suck at. Awesome write!
    Metal Heart74
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Metal Heart74 | [ Reply to This ]


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